Do I visit my mom in memory care even though she's angry?

Msturiale · July 2023

My parents are both in memory care and my mom is in the mid stages of Alzheimers. She has had a sudden shift in personality and is now convinced that I've taken her money and won't see her. I visit her weekly but she thinks I've moved to Russia, divorced my husband and am being beaten. She is angry with me every time I call her. The nurses will call me to calm her down, but I don't know what to say except that I'm safe and that she is safe.

Should I visit her in person when she is agitated or does it makes things worse for the both of us? Are these temporary shifts or permanent? I knew the the next stage was coming but I was not prepared for a complete change in personality.

Thanks for any insight!

jfkoc · July 2023

Sometimes everything is a gamble and the game changes daily. We works one day does not the next. Just know you are doing a great job and continue to trust your gut and to roll with the punches.

We, all too well, know how rock bottom hard it is day after day. Hug sent!

-Judith

harbene · July 2023

I struggle with this too. Sometimes mom gets very angry with me for leaving her in her MC to die. She accuses me of not loving her and wanting her house. Visits get very unpleasant, and I wonder if I am doing more harm than good. Then I feel guilty if I don’t go!

sunshineShoulders · April 14

I know this is a very old post but I am dealing with the exact same issue. Mom is accusing me of stealing her money and when I showed up yesterday for our weekly visit to take her to lunch she would barely open her door and quickly told me she wasn't interested in anything like lunch or talking. What do I do? Keep visiting her and making her angry and hope she lets this pass or give her time? The guilt is heavy if I don't call or visit. Did you find anything helpful?

M1 · April 14

welcome to the forum. You may get more responses if you start a new discussion. Have you discussed this paranoia with her doctors? Antipsychotics like Seroquel or Risperdal may help.

BassetHoundAnn · April 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/205732#Comment_205732

As M1 suggested, talk to her doctor about medication for her anger and paranoia. That helped my mom a lot through this faze.

She's probably dumping on you and reacting so strongly because you're "her person," the person she actually trusts the most, the one she thinks can solve her problems. Many people warned me about this phenomenon when I started caring for my mom. That she would be dumping on me, even raging at times, such as during sundowning at the end of the day. This was a phase of Alzheimer's that she eventually outgrew. But don't get me wrong, it was horrible while it lasted. My husband took to accompanying me when I visited her, because she was a happy lark around him. When we were alone she was horrible with me.

Time of day can also be a big factor. You're familiar with the concept of sundowning? For my mom it would start about 3pm and quickly accelerate as the sun went down. So morning and early afternoon visits were better anger-wise.

Good luck! This is a horrible stage to endure.

Anonymousjpl123 · April 15

Hi and I am so sorry you are finding yourself here. I would say keep visiting, even if the visits are very short. That’s what I had to do. It was awful but I still went. Eventually it changed, and I do think she has a sense (though who knows?) that I stuck with her through it. Don’t argue, reassure her you love her, and one other suggestion: bring treats. Things she loves. A special meal, a sweater, whatever it is. This will pass, but it’s a really tough phase.

M1 · April 15

pretty much the whole first year my partner was in MC, i couldn't visit alone because she was so angry and just wanted to leave. Try taking someone else with you if you can. It damped it down.

Do I visit my mom in memory care even though she's angry?

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