Moving In

NUMber2 · April 23

My brother wants to move my mom from her home into AL, gradually. He wants me to take her there one day for a meal, the next day for an activity etc...

My mom doesn't want to move from her home and he thought maybe by moving her slowly into the facility, it might help with her anxiety and sadness.

She did visit this lovely place 3 times already. She loved it the first 2 times and then was filled with anxiety and depression the 3rd time.

Not that my brother is uncaring, but he hasn't accompanied her once. And he isn't the one who has sacrificed his life to live with her for the past month. (Nor would he ever do that)

I told him that I don't think it's a wise decision but I said his ideas and concerns were valid. I suggested he reach out to the nurse and discuss it with her.

I'll be here in her state for 1 week after she moves in and then I'm going home.

I do not want to take her back and forth and be the bad guy each time I do that. If he could guarantee that wouldn't happen, I'd consider it.

Nor do I want to listen to her cry each time she has to leave. She does that already each time she remembers she has to leave her home . That's gut- wrenching and I don't want to live with that any longer than I have to.

What does this wise community think?

harshedbuzz · April 23

@NUMber2

Team you on this.

Your brother's plan speaks to a blissful ignorance around the impact of dementia on your mom's emotional resilience. Given your mom's reaction to leaving home, it seems like ripping the Band-Aid would be kinder than trying to tease at it terrifying your mom each time you leave. She's not a preschooler who has the bandwidth to learn and grow in the situation in a week. It would also be prudent for you to be able to be "on hand" to be available if they need you because she's adjusting poorly and also to relieve yourself that she's starting to settle in before you have to leave the area.

I would stop mentioning the move or why it's necessary and just come up with a plan to take her there. The lunch date or a doctor's appointment fiblet would be useful, but I would telegraph it until the last minute.

My aunt's MCF ran a day program out of there unit where the day people were fully integrated into the routine of the day with those who lived there. This functioned as a kind of "babysitting" for PWD who lived with a spouse or children who worked. For most, fulltime placement was planned on at a certain point— usually around incontinence or disordered sleep issues that impacted the entire household. I wondered if those who'd been introduced through the day program adjusted more easily and the aides on the unit said it didn't seem to make any difference.

HB

Quilting brings calm · April 23

ignore your brother. You are the one doing it, so you do it the way you feel it needs done. I actually think it’s harder on the PWD to do it the way he suggested. Tell him he can make the decisions after you leave

Also tell him it will take a few months for her to adjust no matter what you do. So he’d better expect to hear the same things you heard when she was in an AL near you.

M1 · April 23

you are in a terrible position being asked to do the work without having the authority. I know you are concerned about your mom—your actions have certainly shown that—but I am with HB, I think you need to put your foot down, at this point it seems to me like you are enabling your brother. If you can, I would truly consider going home and staying there and forcing a crisis: either he gives you POA, or he does the work. Easier said than done, I'm sure. But it seems to me that's the only way you're going to get yourself out of this awful position.

psg712 · April 23

If your brother is the one local to your mom, it makes sense that he has POA ... BUT he needs to step up into that role. Be the one to take her to appointments, show up at the facility regularly to help plan her care, manage the finances, handle the crises in person. That stuff is much harder to do from a distance.

Agree with those who said to rip the bandaid. The short visits will just ramp up the anxiety and prolong the adjustment for all of you. Sorry you are going through all of this, most of us understand how stressful it is.

NUMber2 · April 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/206825#Comment_206825

Thanks! ❤️

NUMber2 · April 23

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/206821#Comment_206821

Thank you!

H1235 · April 23

It is no doubt going to be very difficult and heartbreaking for you to do it this way. The bigger issue it that it is going to be torture for her. I think it would be cruel. I have a difficult brother also. I feel for you. Good luck.

Anonymousjpl123 · April 24

@NUMber2 Ive been following your situation and your mom is very lucky to have you. I’m glad your brother has taken responsibility for having her near him (much easier if he is POA). But just chiming in with the others that your instincts are spot on. Nowhere have I heard that gradually moving someone with dementia is a good idea. Literally nowhere. I think your brother may mean well, but seems he hasn’t really done the work to learn about what caring for someone with dementia means.

Do what you feel you must to leave with a clear conscience, then go home and focus on YOU: making sure you are in a place to step in when the sh#t hits the fan (which I think it will). I found that with my mom, the first six months before she move near me and I got POA (when I thought she was staying where she was) were enormously helpful because I had planned on helping remotely. That meant finances, taxes, health insurance, condo, etc. Those months gave me a chance to feel what it would be like to help out from afar. I quite liked it. When we all decided she would move close to me, having had that distance gave me much needed perspective. Maybe take some time, once youre back home, to plan and focus on getting things in order. You’re doing a lot.

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