Struggling with guilt/unhealthy relationship with parents
My mom is 70 and has dementia…my dad is her primary caregiver but he is also somewhat in denial about how rapidly her condition is progressing (initially she was diagnosed with MCI - Mild Cognitive Impairment - about three years ago, and they are reluctant to get a more current diagnosis). I'm in my early 40s, work full-time, and have two kids in elementary school. My relationship with my parents has been strained since before my mom's health started declining. From the outside, most people would assume I had a pretty ideal childhood and family (including my parents). Since becoming a parent myself, I've seen my parents through a new lens. My mom has a lot of narcissist tendencies, is a martyr, and extremely negative/critical/judgmental. Spending time with her before her dementia began was already unpleasant. My dad is a pushover and will do whatever it takes to keep her calm (somewhat understandably, as he bears the brunt of her frustrations) — but he also seems to have stopped caring about my feelings in order to appease whatever it is that she demands. My parents both have the mindset that I owe them for sending me to private school as a child and my dad has told me that my mom wishes they hadn't so they'd have more money now. Meanwhile, I also have a brother who lives out of state, probably makes 10 times my salary (nonprofit vs. finance industries) and is barely involved in our lives. He does not receive the constant guilt trips I am subject to about how I don't spend enough time with them. My dad texted me out of the blue yesterday morning that "the only thing your mother wants for Mother's Day is to spend time with you without your kids or anyone else around. I'm sure you can find a couple hours this weekend for her." I guess my question is — do I try to set aside years of unhealthy behavior and suck it up for Mother's Day, a weekend when I really would love a break from being in the trenches of parenting myself, or is it fair for me to set some boundaries? I have absolutely no desire to spend time alone with my mother. She typically uses any alone time to rant about how awful my sister-in-law is and tell me incessantly how I never spend time with her. Sorry for the long winded ramble, and thank you to anyone who has read this far!
Comments
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Hi ChinUp - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.
I also always had a strained relationship with mom. (she is nicer to me now that she thinks I'm her sister). So my personal response would be that I wouldn't do it. It sounds like it would just bring on stress and even resentment if you did. My mom is far enough along that she never knows if I visit or not, anyway. Not sure how far along your mom is, but would she really realize if you visit or not, or is that just your dad's opinion of what he thinks you 'should do'?
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I feel your pain. Our mothers sound similar. Before her dementia became more prominent I would fly my mother to my house for 1-2 weeks a year. I primarily did this because of my children hoping their relationship with her would be like mine to my grandmother. It never became that. I put up with her negativity and insensitive remarks out of sense of duty. Now that she’s into the later stages of dementia I have moved her in with me because she was not safe where she was and none of my other 6 siblings wanted the burden. Her narcissistic personality is soo much more evident than I had known. I am now in the process of getting her into assisted living. These last 10 months have painfully showed me how important our own self care is important. I feel you should not sacrifice your own well being for your mother. I think if you do the resentment you’ll feel towards her will far outweigh any benefit to your mom’s selfishness. I know I struggle every day to keep my compassion towards my mother and it makes me more critical of myself. I think she picks up on that but she can’t change. So if I do what’s best for me I think she’ll benefit from more positive vibes. Prayers for your selfcare .
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Same here - your parents seem very similar to mine. What I would do in this situation is to think forward to a time when she's gone. Will you regret not having spent any time with her this Mother's Day. If so, then set a boundary in time. For me, I used to set a low time expectation and if things were going well I would extend. If not, I would at least have fulfilled my desire for the time and been happy to leave. However, if you're being truthful and have no desire, then figure out how to address this with your parents. Perhaps letting them know your immediate family takes priority. It's really a shame she can't change. But that burden is not on your shoulders. You're correct to set boundaries. She's hurt you long enough, you need to be the best person you can be for your immediate family.
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Thanks so much for responding! I'm sorry we're both "here" but it is so helpful to have a community to talk through these issues with. My mom still knows who I am and will remember if I visited or not…but like you say, my dad also has a strong sense of what I "should" do. I told him I'm only available with my kids this weekend…his response was "she just wants a relationship with you" as if I'm so cruel. Sigh. Thanks for listening.
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You may be interested in going to YouTube and searching Dr Ramani and Narsassist. I found her insights to be very helpful. She is wonderful. Let me give you two big insights:
- It's not you - you did not cause or deserve any mistreatment
- They will not change - I found this very insightful when she discussed various personality types including introverts and extroverts. She has stories to illustrate that the narcissistic personality is no more likely to change in to an empathetic person than an introvert would be comfortable trying to exist as an outgoing party animal.
That said, there are strategies with "radical acceptance" of this is who they are and you can't change them to setting boundaries in your interactions. ( 3 insults and I'm out, 2 guilt trips and I'm gone.) Perhaps with your own internal ground rules you can take her to breakfast explaining the rest of the day is scheduled with your kids and their mother, and stick to your guns.
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Oh, your situation sounds so hard. I can't imagine living with my mom for a day, let alone months…I completely relate to your struggle with trying to be compassionate and feeling more critical of yourself because of how hard it is. I hope you're able to help her transition to assisted living smoothly and get some well-deserved self care for you. They come from such a different generation. Anytime my mom perceives that I'm doing something for my self-care (even if it's just buying prepared foods at the grocery store rather than cooking a meal from scratch) she tells me I'm selfish or lazy (and then "too sensitive" if I rebuke).
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This is really helpful - thank you!
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Dr Ramani’s book “It’s Not You” is outstanding. Worth its weight in gold. Hugs to you—-you’re not alone in having a parent with these traits.
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@ChinUp82
Two truths I discovered in dementia—Personality/mental health issues not only persist well into the later stages of the disease, but they also seem to be magnified as their social filter becomes less reliable. My Aunt C got sweeter, my Aunt N became even nastier and other folks got to witness his brand of psychopathy-lite I grew up with.
In some situations, the middle stages of dementia can be hardest on families because the PWD has lost empathy and filters but has enough wherewithal to be manipulative and unpleasant.
It's pretty telling that your mom has no interest in seeing your kids. My dad's MO was to get folks in private and excoriate them. I found it best not to negotiate, but to deal with him on my terms. When he first went into MC, he liked to try to get mom or me away to his room where he felt safe to unleash his venom. I didn't play along.
One strategy might be to take your mom for an activity in public where she might not be able to act out— a pedicure or lunch date could be an option.
In your shoes, I might tell dad "that's not possible, I'll be by with the kids Sunday at noon for an hour". If he gives you a hard time, bail.
HB1 -
Yes, I think you're 100% right. Awhile ago I heard someone say people become "more themselves" as they age (dementia or not). My grandmother had Alzheimers and continued to be her sweet self. I'm so sorry about your experience with your dad.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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