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GobDin · May 2024

I have a pwd that fell in February which caused an L1 compression fracture. She had surgery then went to a skilled nursing facility. When insurance stopped paying and the facility said it was not safe for her to be home alone, I moved her to assisted living. All she wants to do is to go home. The professionals at the assisted living facility say that she is not safe to be home alone mainly due to her dementia issues not the physical issues due to her back surgery . I know that she probably doesn’t need 24 x7 care at home but needs help with her meds and pills, meals and maybe showering due to her broken back.
I am at a loss on what to do with my mom with dementia that is begging to come home but needs more care than she thinks she does …mainly with pills and bills which I was doing. I was setting her pills up for the week but had to always call to remind her and then have found her pills in bags. Before her fall, I had also noticed that she was slowing down with heating up her frozen dinners ….so she wasn’t eating on a regular basis. It just seems like she is more with it. I am thinking it is because the AL makes sure she takes her meds . Basically I have a mom with dementia begging and packing to come home on a daily basis who probably should be home alone. What do I do?

Quilting brings calm · May 2024

You tell her that the doctor said she needs more time where she is because her back isn’t healed yet. Then redirect her by asking about something else. Maybe an activity that the AL is having in a day or two

M1 · May 2024

Exactly as qbc said, you say it's not time yet, blame it on the doctors. Ask the staff how she is when you're not there, you may be a trigger for this behavior and you may need to visit less. That's hard, i know. My partner has been in MC for two years and still does this.

terei · May 2024

Agree with M1. Just tell her the ‘doctor says you have to stay til your health is improved’ the end. My mom used to pack constantly. Just ignore it.

GobDin · May 2024

Thank you so much! That is exactly what I have been doing!! It’s just so heartbreaking! My mom just does t seem so bad sometimes. I keep beating myself up thinking how I can get her home. The problem is that the cost is over double what it is in assisted living. I need to make sure her money can take care of her for the rest of her life and I don’t have a crystal ball. I can’t even imagine this going on for two years.

GobDin · March 29

GobDin · March 29

It as been almost a year since my mom has been in assisted living. She still calls almost everyday asking me to come get her and bring her home. Most of those calls don’t end very well. I get a lot of “I would do it for you”. She says she is going to find a different doctor and she is going to get a lawyer. I know she can’t really execute those actions. I tell her all the time that the medical professionals say it is not safe to live alone.
She has a house that has been sitting. I see this as just eating into her money with maintenance, electricity, repairs, homeowners insurance, property tax, and lawn care. It is also not good to leave a house sitting. My mom loves her house soooooo much! She said she would rather be dead than not living in her house.

I am just struggling so much selling her house and belongings knowing she would not want me to. A small part of me worries that one day she will show up at her house with the sale sign on it or someone else living there.
Has anyone gone through something similar? Any advice?

Thanks so much!

harshedbuzz · March 29

@GobDin

Thanks for updating although I do wish your mom had settled into the AL for both your sakes.

You are absolutely making the best decision for her. In dementia care, safety is always the primary goal.

Are you her DPOA? If so, you have a fiduciary duty to manage her assets prudently. Maintaining a home that will never be lived in by its owner is not a prudent move. It may help you to reframe your thinking— this is something you are doing for her, not to her.

Since you know AL is her home now and that she's not capable of taking steps independently to go back to her former home, I'd sell the home without sharing that information as she doesn't have the cognition to process that information.

I'd validate assuring her you look forward to when doctors say she can return home. Rinse and repeat. If she normally content when you're not there, you may be a trigger for these feelings in which case you might want to visit less.

HB

GobDin · March 29

This has been so helpful! Especially reading that I am not being prudent by just letting it sit. It’s just so heart breaking to see all the things in her home that she loved and was her life then one day it’s not. There are so many questions I have that I cannot ask her because I don’t even want to bring the house up and I cannot take her there because I would never get her out of there. I cannot even take her to my house because it is 5 houses away from hers.

I do have power of attorney so I can legally sell her house.
I don’t think I’m a trigger. It seems to happen every night around 8 when mom goes to her apartment and everyone else has gone to their apartments. This is when the concierge leaves. I think Another part of the problem is that I thought this was going to be short term so I only got her a room instead of a one bedroom apartment. She calls it her hotel room. I get it. I don’t think I should try to move her to a one bedroom place because I think change is not good. Part of me is afraid she will keep going back to her hotel room. This is a woman that had a beautiful home that she has taken care of by herself since 1999. Now she is confined to a room with a bathroom.

Again, thanks so much ! I will be telling myself that I am doing this for her and that it is not helping her by not selling her home.

AmandaF · March 29

Hello - as someone who went through it, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. I was in this same position, and had to sell my mom’s house/dispose of most of her things without telling her. It was emotionally grueling but I knew it was the responsible move, and really it was causing me a lot of stress to worry about an empty house (as you say, repairs, neighbor stuff, insurance, etc.) Now that it’s sold, I actually like thinking that the house has a new owner who can live there peacefully. My parents loved it for years but towards the end, it became a bit haunted for them, full of weird dementia memories. Good luck and you’re doing the right thing, even if your mom can’t tell you that.

GobDin · March 29

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/239550#Comment_239550

Im crying sad / happy tears !

Makes me feel better in a very bad situation.
Thanks for sharing!

ARIL · March 30

Having cleared and sold my parents’ house last summer, I’ll chime in to say that it is a huge relief not to be arranging to pay all those bills for insurance, property tax, electricity, gas, mowing, etc. It is a huge relief not to be responsible for maintenance and upkeep.

The money from the sale is being plowed right into my father’s care, so in a way his house is continuing to help him rather than being a drain on him. I used to love the house (and long ago, I lived there). I find I don’t miss it even the tiniest little bit. It had become very dangerous to him, and my memories of it since 2020 are pretty awful.

It served its purpose for my family when it needed to; now it’s still helping out, but in the form of cash. Somebody else has it for a home. As my dad’s DPOA, I am fulfilling my duty of care. For a while I just had to say this to myself (selling the house was an enormous job), but now that it’s done I find myself unburdened. (Of that at least!)

I realize this has a “pep talk” feel. But please know all of us commenters do understand.

Good luck.

Anonymousjpl123 · March 30

You did the right thing by getting your mom somewhere safe, where she can be social, taken care of, and not alone. You did the right thing by sticking with her. Selling her house needs to happen. it will have zero impact on her disease or her progression or her quality of life.

For what it’s worth, I just posted about this - my mom moved near me 2.5 years ago and it was a solid 2 years before she settled in somewhere. I think moderate dementia - stages 5 or so, which it sounds like your mom is in - is the absolutely worst. My mom called all the time - up to 30 times a day - miserable, angry, raging, depressed. But she was safe. I had no choice when I placed her.

Ironically, she had pretty spacious rooms throughout until her most recent place. Where she is now is TINY, but the staff are amazing, place is incredibly well run, and other residents are really nice. But, could it also be that she’s drifted into stage 6 and less aware of what she’s missing? Absolutely.

Her house is rented. I can’t sell because I don’t want to deal: and we were able to rent it easily. It doesn’t matter. I never talk about it with her. She does seem to like the idea it’s rented. Maybe tell your mom you rented it. Or are getting stuff fixed. That’s what I would do. It really, truly won’t matter. My mom is so much happier and tells me that all the time - the stuff doesn’t matter. And there may just be no consoling her. Medication helps a lot with dementia.

Hang in there.

GobDin · March 30

I cannot express how much your words of wisdom and pep talks are helping. It is giving me the strength, fortitude and knowledge to get through this phase!

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