Memory care question

Nowhere · May 14

I’m wondering for those of you with loved ones in a memory care facility. Do you write a message saying,” ‘Name’ will visit you tomorrow? “ I see my husband every day, but as soon as I’m out of sight he forgets I was ever there. When I see him the following day, he seems so relieved and asks, “How’d you find me”? This breaks my heart.

M1 · May 14

This happens to me all the time too Nowhere, and I have found no solution. For a while we had a whiteboard up and it would say, "M will be here tomorrow." She would read it, look at me, and ask "who is M?" She eventually pulled it down. My only solace is that she doesn't seem to have any sense of time. Right now she is always delighted when i walk in the room.

fmb · May 14

I think it depends on the ability of the PWD. I have a whiteboard in DH's room and write: Wife's Next Visit:- (day of the week, time of day), and the calendar date. DH has a clock that tells the day of the week, date, and time in his room and can still sometimes comprehend when I am coming versus what today is. Lately, though, he just asks the aides who get him up in the morning whether The Wife is coming to visit, and they can reference the whiteboard and tell him.

sandwichone123 · May 14

For a while my dh knew when I would be coming, but he's having more trouble keeping track of time now. Mostly I'm working on training the staff to know when I'm coming now. I don't know if he would ask them, or if they would understand if he did, but at least hopefully they would be able to provide that information if it seemed to be needed.

SSHarkey · May 14

I’m going to make a comment that is on my mind as I read these replies. I had some bad experiences when my father was in a care facility. And I learned to never keep to a regular schedule. That way they never knew when I would walk in the door. I’ve always stuck to that practice, making sure to keep them on their A game. My desire to trust the caregivers is outweighed by past experiences. Just something to consider.

fmb · May 14

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/209069#Comment_209069

I have found that DH usually receives a little better care when the aides know I'm coming, but I also make unscheduled 'bonus' visits at times, too. DH having the peace of mind knowing that I will be visiting makes up for the usually minor care issues that happen. The facility director and I have a good working relationship, and I don't hesitate to bring up truly important issues, which are dealt with immediately.

harshedbuzz · May 14

Does your DH have enough executive function to work through having a question about when you're coming, and problem solve sufficiently to figure out where to find that answer? Can your husband read? Does he have the cognition to decode the letters and comprehend what the words mean in context? Is he oriented to time to the degree that he can make sense of what the message means?

GothicGremlin · May 14

@Nowhere I never solved this issue. It was like you said, I could have seen my sister even that same day, and she'd still think I hadn't been by in years (yes, years).

The closest I came to solving it was to let the staff know when I'd be there (and yes, I know exactly what @SSHarkey means). Peggy's friend M also came by every other day like clockwork, and he'd stay with her for hours. Then I'd rotate in an outside caregiver along with a couple of Peggy's friends who would occasionally come by. On the days when I wasn't there, I'd call her on the phone. Peggy's friend D would also call every day too. Essentially I just tried to keep Peggy busy with other people. It was a lot of work - worth it though.

Nowhere · May 15

What a joy to log in tonight and read everyone’s thoughts and ideas. I do like to pop in at different times. I need to know what’s happening in his world. I know that in the morning he’s involved with activities and so kept busy, but on weekend and after lunch it seems it usually just television, which he doesn’t really engage. He can read and I think process a very short sentence, until a new thought pops into his mind and wipes away the previous one. Every time he’d see my sign: “Wife’s visiting here tomorrow” he’d forget he saw it before, and so when seeing it he’ll think I am coming the next day. At least he would know I knew where he was IF he can at all reason. Sigh. And that would only be in the present moment. But maybe he’d hold onto the emotion. I really don’t know how he might react. I might as well post the sign and hope it’s reassuring and not reminding him I’m away. My daughter thinks he doesn’t remember me when I’m not there. She says that because he doesn’t mention me, but then he is quiet most of the time. And when I’m with him, he doesn’t ask about our daughter. The other day we both visited together he was so surprised he said, “There’s two of you”! Sometimes when I arrive he’s pacing and the relief that washes over his face tells me he had been feeling lost. I’ll report back here to let you know the efficacy of the sign. Thank you!

ghphotog · May 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69205/memory-care-question

That's exactly how my DW reacts when I visit! She gets emotional when I'm there which is usually every day or every other day. She asked the exact same question "how did you know I was here?" She's sad when I leave but forgets I was there before I get out the door. She doesn't know I was there from one day to the next.

clarinetist · May 15

I have the same issue with my DH in memory care. He asks all day, every day, when I’m coming. He is so relieved to see me he practically runs across the room to give me a hug. But soon after I leave, he starts asking again when I’m coming. He unfortunately has no sense of time.

When he was home with me, he had a similar reaction every time I left the room and returned, and in fact, was actively searching for me if I was gone longer than a minute.

For him it’s not so much a memory care issue as a being-separated-from-me issue. He’s on meds to relieve anxiety, sadness and agitation, but they only seem to help so much.

Nowhere · June 5

Clarinetist- yes, that’s it, separation anxiety. So hard!
…. So, reporting back, a few weeks ago I posted a sign on his bulletin board that says, “ ‘Name’ will return again tomorrow”, along with my photo. I pointed it out to him, and he said , “I’ve not seen her”. Sigh. I’m not certain it provides any comfort at all, but I left it posted in his room anyway.

Memory care question

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