what dementia has taken from us
This is really a follow-on to the Angry discussion. On top of losing the PWD, we lose the joy of some of the activities we shared. In our case it's gardening. I'm not angry, but I am very sad.
DW and I have been gardening since we met and had a place to do it. She usually took care of the flowers, and I usually took care of the veggies. She used to start literally hundreds of seedlings under lights in the basement during the winter and then planted them out when the weather got warm. She knew the names of everything, and sometimes she put out labels that passers-by could read. By starting seeds, we could grow some things that many nurseries don't carry. Lots of people used to stop when they walked by to admire our garden. We had an abundance of annuals to cut and bring inside.
One of my greatest losses due to DW's dementia is that most of that is now gone. I started some plants from seeds last year, but it didn't work out all that well, and I haven't done so this year. I won't be planting a veggie garden.
What happens now is pretty sad. We buy plants at nurseries. In the past, DW would spend the rest of an afternoon deciding where to put them and then planting them. Now DW seems unsure what to do, and she wants me to hang around to supervise and help. Planting used to be an activity she looked forward to, but now she seems to find it a burden. I thought maybe by setting her up with things to plant, I could get a little respite time, but that only worked a little bit.
DW's dementia has robbed us both of something we used to love to do.
Comments
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Innocence!
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I am sorry you are going through this. I have found that the things that brought my mother (PWD) joy, she is no longer interested in doing. She no longer reads, gardens, etc. Even her beloved Hallmark movies are difficult as she often believes they are real….the Africa Safari themed movie turned into I own a house with wild animals and she is scared to go back to that house. She mainly wants to sit and fret. Watching the news is hit or miss as sometimes she thinks what she sees on TV is right outside our door. If she wasn't reading or gardening, she would listen to books on CD or go thrift shopping. She is no longer interested in either and quite frankly when I take her on outings, she often says highly inappropriate things and even explaining to a stranger that mom has dementia, in these times, does not always smooth things over. She will look right at someone and tell them that they stink or their perfume is disgusting or they should do something different with their hair, etc.
This afternoon I am planting to some annuals in the shade and offered to bring her out. She most likely say she doesn't want to do it but at least I offered, right? I have tried puzzles, painting, making cards, games, etc. and she is not interested at all. Gone are the days when we would take a weekend trip or a day out at antique stores. She is either disinterested or behaves so inappropriately that I am miserable or afraid! The one thing I can get her to do a few times a month is take a ride to get a milkshake. But that is about it.
One other thing, most of the things (activities, fidget items, etc) I see online for PWD look like they are for children. If I offer mom anything in primary colors, she says "I am not a baby" and refuses to try it.
One day I got her to listen to music and she enjoyed it. The next time, I stepped out of the room for a minute and she started yelling for someone to turn off the horrible music. It was the same music she just enjoyed a few days before that.
I try not to take it in deep but sometimes it is so difficult to not be able to even enjoy each other's company like we used to let alone not engage in the things we both liked to do. I feel for you!
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Yes, dementia has robbed me of everything I loved.
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The loss of things we did together with our loved ones…hits my heart. Thank you for sharing .
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Yes, so true. It has robbed me of the ability to speak. I like to talk to my DH. I keep forgetting I can’t do that anymore with ease.
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So interesting what you pointed out, @wose. This demon disease takes our voices as well. At least for a time.
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it breaks my heart to see m DW , who ran a business for 30 yrs look at a clock , where time is 9.40 and wife looks at clock and says “ 4 more times till 10”. I guess each movement from 9.40 to 9.45 is one time and rest till 10. Very heart breaking to see and I know she’s confused.
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So true. How many times a day do I think of a remark I would have made in the before-times, only to stop myself when I realize DW won't understand, or it will lead to a looping conversation? Silence is not always golden.
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I have lost a partner. I no longer have love. I can't talk to my once vibrant DW because her aphasia leaves her with one or two word sentences most of the time. I don't have anyone to share my hurts, and joys and loss with.
But hey…I've gained a person constantly disappointed in me and what I'm not doing right for her, so look at me go! /insert sarcasm icon here.
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I am losing the only two people in the world who love me: my DH and my mother. Both are in Stage 7 ALZ. It is a rather sobering thought to realize that I will soon become both an orphan and a widow.
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@CindyBum ..."a person constantly disappointed in me and what I'm not doing right". There was a point in my teenage son's life I realized nothing I do would ever be right (one week the burgers are under cooked, the next over cooked). For me, that realization was freeing. From there forward there was no agonizing, I just accepted that outcome before I started. I hope you come to that acceptance…and know that it's really not you, it's them.
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Oh that is a hard one isn't it? Any conversation can set my DH off into either anxiety, crankiness, or feeling like he needs to take action. It makes the isolation of caregiving even more isolating.
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Breaks my heart and so sorry this is your reality! It is so hard to deal with lost traditions and everyday “normal “ life with our loved ones with dementia. Still trying to accept 🤷🏻♀️We are here for you!
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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