Funeral planning - How does one go about doing this?

elhijo · May 22

Hello,

I'm doing some form of funeral planning and I've never done this before, for anyone.

Where I live I've been quoted 20k for just a full-body crypt about a year ago. And in 2018 it was 6k, at another cemetery. The 6k price was from 2018 before Covid hit and made everything crazy and real expensive.

My question is, how does one go about this? What call a funeral home first and make arrangements? Shop around? But shop around for what? What does one ask exactly? And how do you get them to honor what they told you over the phone?

What if I decide I want a simple cremation and take the loved one's ashes home and then once I can afford a full body crypt, then put the ashes inside the crypt. Not sure if they even allow that but burials and funerals are very expensive.

Any advice or mistakes one made that is willing to share appreciated.

Thanks

M1 · May 22

Eliho i recently arranged simple cremation just by calling a local funeral home. I did call several and prices did vary, so it is definitely worth calling around. No trouble with any bait and switch tactics, they honored what they told me over the phone.

II read your post last night before you edited. While i understand wanting to honor your traditions and your mother's wishes, i would not go into debt for this. I would do what her estate can afford and have her funds cover it.

H1235 · May 22

I assume this is a pre arrangement? When we did my moms everything was was payed for and the funeral home put the money in (I think) a trust.The advantage of this is that money in a funeral trust would not count when Medicaid looks at financials. This is often used as a way to spend down before applying for Medicaid. I would just make appointments at a few different funeral homes and ask a bunch of questions. They should have some information on cemetery costs also. If money is a concern you might try a google search that might show which places run less expensive. The funeral home will have displays and cost options for you. If all money is used for care of a person with dementia, a prearrangement is not made and the pwd is accepted by Medicaid. Then when the person passes funeral expenses would need to be covered by family. So it often makes sense to do a prearrangement. You asked how to get the funeral home to honor what they told you over the phone. I don’t think you can do that without prepayment. At least that’s my understanding of all this. Hope you are able to sort this out without too much trouble.

Quilting brings calm · May 22

My step-father’s cremation in February was $4200. We used the funeral home my parents wanted. We had no visitation or service. That did not include anything at the cemetary because he will be buried in a veteran’s cemetary at no cost. His ashes are currently at the funeral home until my mom dies.
There is a budget crematory about 30 miles from us that offers cremation for $1000. No idea what that covers - but the cremation cost at the funeral home we used was listed at $3700. I might have used them if I’d had a chance to contact them ahead of time and find out what that included. My guess is it didn’t include items that the funeral home did include on their cremation cost.

I would suggest going as minimal as you feel ok with Really consider who would be available to attend anything you might have or who would visit the grave later. Maybe you just want a family gathering in someone’s back yard at a later date and to scatter the ashes privately.

Check out area funeral home’s websites. Some list costs on them. Look at obits in the paper. Especially the ones with just the bare minimum listed- and which refer you to a funeral home website for details. Those are families that have decided to to keep the funeral down to what they can afford. They are cutting out the several hundred dollar cost of a newspaper obit. Those funeral homes might be best to work with.

concerned_sister · May 22

If you are considering cremation, I'll mention a service recommended by my dad's cousin: Science Care. They will retrieve the body after passing, handle donation of organs as wished, cremate the remains, and return them to the family. All at no cost.

mabelgirl · May 22

Keep in my mind funerals are for the living.

My mom wants us to place her ashes in with my grandparents crypts. That is going to cost close to 10k as they’ll have to make her a niche spot in their crypts. She doesn’t have anything saved for this. We can get her a niche just for cremations at half the cost. So I ask myself will visiting her site be any more comforting to us one way or another?

For my dad he was cremated. We had a funeral at church nearby. My brothers and I spread his ashes on our grandfathers land. I have not visited that site since. He does have a marker there.

For my son, I had full funeral with casket and burial. I visit that site regularly and maintain the flowers. When I’m gone I doubt anyone will take that over.

I give you these examples just to underscore that funerals and the departed one’s resting spot is really for those still living. What do you need to feel you’ve honored your loved one? Do you need to have a place to commune to the departed? I would let those thoughts guide you and then call a couple funeral homes. I found there was not much difference and I had no issues with scams. I dealt with 3 different states in each of these instances.

Prayers for guidance and wisdom in your decision making.

harshedbuzz · May 23

I've planned/helped plan a few funerals. I agree that you should make whatever decision suits you. Don't spend money you don't have and feel free to skip any part of the rituals that don't bring comfort to those closest to her.

If you are doing pre-arrangement and pre-payment, you select the services you want, a contract is signed, and money paid goes is escrowed for the future. Sometimes people refer to this arrangement as "burial insurance".

One was to contain costs is to do a direct cremation. My friend's husband was cremated this way last fall for just about $1000. She went through this facility which was quite helpful to her. I'm sharing their website as it explains the process pretty well.

https://www.cremationsocietyofphiladelphia.com/?AdGroup=Cremation%20%7C%20Society&AdGroupId=2732173720&AdId=81501381724030&Campaign=Pennsylvania%20%7C%20Philadelphia%20%7C%20Local%20%7C%20Exact&CampaignId=131972569&Network=o&adgroup=2732173720&adid=81501381724030&campaign=131972569&identifiers=kwd-38972025427:loc-71262&keyword=cremations%20society&matchtype=e&medium=IBSEM&network=o&source=bing&term=kwd-38972025427:loc-71262&utm_term=cremations%20society&msclkid=f225566ea5e21b9a4a66302184eb57a7&utm_source=bing&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=Pennsylvania%20%7C%20Philadelphia%20%7C%20Local%20%7C%20Exact&utm_content=Cremation%20%7C%20Society

You can go to this site to find providers near you.

https://www.after.com/

HB

elhijo · May 23

Thanks everyone. I still have a lot of thinking to do. I called a funeral home I know about since I was a little kid and my gut tells me they are legit. For the whole lot, they want around $10.3K (Hertz limo, DVD remembrance, pretty color casket, chapel use). Honestly this seems like a fair price given today's market and the newly overpriced area we live in.

The cemetery piece I have yet to call today but I wouldn't be surprised if they want $7 to $10K for a space. This would bring me to the average cost of a burial of 20k (funeral + cemetery). I read somewhere the average cost of a burial was somewhere between 15K to 20K. This sucks. I still have to do a lot of thinking. Thank you for your suggestions.

elhijo · May 23

Well, I called the local Catholic cemetery today and I can't believe they wanted $5,111 for just an outdoor niche (for cremation remains). If you want the indoor niche, it would be $7,333. And in either case, you must purchase the flower vase from them at $390. Again, this is just for a niche to hold the urn that holds your loved ones remains when you went the cremation route.

If you want a full-body crypt to go in the mausoleum, they want $12,581 for something at eye-level. But if you're willing to have your loved one go high up, like 6 feet or higher, the price drops down by about $1500.

I can understand why something at eye-level would be more expensive since everyone wants that and there are only so many spots the cemetery can build at any one time (plus Covid happened) but I had no idea even a niche to hold cremation remains would be $5K. It's just a little glass cube that holds an urn basically. And it's not even the indoor one.

If anyone reading this knows of a much more affordable Catholic cemetery anywhere in the country, please let me know. Given the sticker shock of all of this I think I may just go the cremation route and just keep my mom's ashes with me in a nice urn until I can find a decent and affordable Catholic cemetery to bury her in.

My mom hasn't passed but she's not doing that well and is now with at-home hospice. I'm just doing some pre-planning now, so I don't have to make all these decisions at the last minute and get taken advantage of.

Thanks for reading the post.

fmb · May 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/210215#Comment_210215

My father is buried in a non-religious cemetery in the small town where he grew up. The Catholic priest consecrated the ground prior to internment. This may give you more options to find a more affordable burial place.

harshedbuzz · May 24

@fmb A few of my friends and relatives have done that as well. My grandfather had a massive plot in his town's new cemetery bought when his infant son died. Grandpa did not approve of certain husbands/wife chosen by some of his children and gifted them plots on their marriages. He did become fond of a number of them over time, and 2 of them along with some of my cousins who died young and were Roman Catholic are buried there. The plot was consecrated in the 1960s when my mom's half-sister was buried. I'm not sure if this was done again for my uncles and cousins.

elhijo I wonder if the costs are higher than comparable secular ones. I know in my archdiocese (Philadelphia), a decision was made to partner with Everstory (formerly StoneMor) to aggressively market their cemeteries to raise funds for legal settlements related clergy sex abuse trials. Our community has a lovely National Cemetery and the recently opened Catholic one has become a hard sell with many families already having a plot in the town's cemetery and the National Cemetery being beautifully serene and free. Dad ended up there rather than mom's hometown.

HB

terei · May 24

I was quoted anywhere from $1200 to $9000 for the SAME services for ‘simple direct cremation’. Google ‘low cost cremation’ for your geographical area. I have had to have 4 people cremated in the past 2 years. The ones that actually put their prices on line are usually cheaper, and no, dont do a prepaid service. It is completely unnecessary. I ended up using a family owned company that was specifically trying to do the services as inexpensively as possible. They were not set up to do big elaborate funerals. I was 100% satisfied. The funeral industry is a racket + you are gong to have to just do your research.

I did a month of research six months before my mom died + knew which company I was going to use. If you question whether the prices will be honored, ask for a written list of prices/services be emailed or mailed to you. I ended up paying a fee that was about $1300 for a direct cremation where we picked up the ashes when they called us.

Funeral planning - How does one go about doing this?

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