Confused and Stressed

@momislife welcome to “here” but I am so sorry for the reason.

Moving from AL to MC is such a tough transition for everyone, even when absolutely necessary. Many of the behaviors you describe are very, very typical: packing and unpacking belongings, refusal to shower, won’t do activities. I read this and was like “check, check, check” about my mom in memory care. Like yours, my mom is very talkative but it’s been really hard for her. My point is that you may find she displays the same behavior wherever she goes. Also, since my mom went to MC last year I have been more than willing to take her out - sometimes too much - and I no longer can or do as frequently because it’s too hard for her.

So…some questions for you:

• do you think you will feel less guilty with her closer to you? My mom is 10 minutes away and I’m her primary caregiver (only daughter as wlel) and was racked with irrational guilt for a long time. I think it comes with the territory.
• Can you make the visits really count? Rather than trying to save her - which you can’t - could you find ways to really connect with her?
• Is her facility safe, is she being cared for?
• Is she really in a position to go with you to activities, and are you really in a position to visit 3-4 times a week?

My point is that being the caregiver with your siblings is so much more than physical proximity. In my mom’s place, one of her good friends has two daughters. One is close by, the other far away. But she sees both for different reasons. One provides regular check ins, but the other provides a week or 2 of undistracted, deep, quality, meaningful connection once or twice a year. When she speaks of her daughters she speaks of them the same.

Anyway I hope this helps. This board has been a lifesaver for me, I hope you find support and good advice here as well.

Agree with Anonymous and M1. Similar experience with my mom, who moved to AL two years ago and to MC this past January. It's becoming more difficult for her to leave the facility - seems to confuse and tire her. I take her to church on occasion but it is way overstimulating for her and she just kind of shuts down. The only place she seems to enjoy is my house, where she enjoys my DH's cooking, watches birds and squirrels in our yard, and pets my dog. But she is ready to go back to her place after a short time.

She's been rearranging stuff in her room a lot. Last week I came in to find her lamp and digital clock unplugged, several pictures taken down from the walls and set on the floor, books removed from their shelves and stacked in unsteady piles on top of pencils. I didn't ask. She won't have an explanation. She participates less in activities than she used to and also dislikes showering. She lives 10 minutes from me, but I still don't get in to see her as often as I think I should. Full time job and a family at home need attention too!

I think that the others have good points about your mom - it sounds like your thoughts about moving her have more to do with your guilt feelings and less to do with actual care needs for her. If she is safe and well in her current place, a move may cause unwarranted distress for her. There is nothing comfortable about watching someone you love unravel with this disease, whether you are nearby or at a distance.