Resentful/Jealous of Friendships

Daisie · June 1

How do you get past feeling guilty about having friends and a social life when caregiving for someone with dementia?

My mom is 90 and is in the moderate stage. She doesn't have many friends; her two best friends live out of state. She has never understood the work it takes to make/maintain friendships. She resents that I have a small circle of friends and that I can get out once in a while. She lays a guilt trip. She also exaggerates the number of friends I have and how often I go out. She thinks we're a "girl gang" or something that travels around all the time in a pack. She thinks I'm gone all the time when it's only for about 4 or 5 hours once every couple of weeks with one person (my friends don't really know each other).

When I suggest things she could do to have more of a social life, she adamantly says no. She's always been very judgmental of others and has all these preconceived notions of how she thinks people are or should be. That's nothing new.

I know it's the dementia talking, and it's also an exacerbation of her feelings over the years, which is due to the dementia, I get it.

How do you come to grips with moving past it, having a life, and ignoring the snide comments?

Anonymousjpl123 · June 1

My therapist recommended putting post-its all around my house that say things like “you are not a bad daughter,” “your mom’s damaged brain is the problem, not you.” “You can’t fix this,” “ruining your life with not help your mom.”

Like that. I do the very best I can; like you, I have 4-5 really close friends and that’s it. I’m not out all the time but feel guilty that I am independent and my mom is not. She loves a guilt trip too.

Daisie, I truly believe this caregiving journey be very healing. Push forward. Don’t stop seeing your friends. Have a life. And you will be so much more valuable to your mom.

Lynn24 · June 1

it is a very difficult process to navigate the mean remarks. My mother was a good mother before dementia, but nowadays she can be very mean and nasty.

My therapist helped me to develop coping mechanisms and I am able to ignore the remarks most of the time, but iit us a grueling process. I encourage you to seek therapy if you haven’t already, because taking care of someone with this disease us a BEAST on you, both mentally and physically.

Daisie · June 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211304#Comment_211304

It truly is a journey in self-growth. I've learned so much already about myself and what I can and can't do. This is just another road to take. Thank you! I love that idea about the post its! I wish you the best!

Daisie · June 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211305#Comment_211305

Thank you! I am having a hard time finding a good therapist in my area. Even my PCP said it's going to be difficult. There are also not many convenient support groups in my area; in fact, hardly any at all. Would you mind sharing one of your coping mechanisms?

Lynn24 · June 1

There are many therapist sites to choose from, I used Sondermind and filled out a brief questionnaire to find my therapist.

One coping mechanism that I learned from therapist is breathing exercises to keep me from spiraling and reacting negatively to the mean remarks.

Also have learned that each day, I find something or some way to nutritionally myself, so that I have strength to breathe through the mean remarks, complete caregiving task, and just breathe through it, and leave the room that my mother is in for awhile to create space to tegroup and refresh.

Daisie · June 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211310#Comment_211310

Thank you! Unfortunately, Sondermind isn't available in my state. Boo!

mabelgirl · June 2

it’s difficult for sure. My mom was never a loving Mom and has alienated herself from just about all 7 of her children. She has only 1 friend that lives out of state only because I had to move her from my brothers to ensure her safety. She’s been very nasty and mean to me, even to go so far as to tell me she wished it had been me instead of the stillborn she had. Every morning she greets me with accusations of stealing her money.
She tells her one friend on the phone she’s in jail and I don’t take her anywheres. Yet she refuses to go to the senior center, tried day care once and wouldn’t go back, if I try to get her to go somewhere it takes constant reminders only to eventually get either I’m too tired or quit rushing me responses. It’s a no win situation.
I have not sought out therapy because I have hardened some at this point(she’s been with me nearly a year, but meanness/hibranation ramped up after about 3 months). I take lots of short mental breaks, quick walks outside. I smile and laugh to myself during her tirades , try to divert her attention and so forth. I live close to the beach and thus walking along the shoreline does wonders for me. I call my sisters frequently or just text them. These all help and make it a bit more bearable. However at this point I’m seeking AL for her needs (socialization & exercise) and mine (mental). I hope you find the coping mechanisms that work for you. I’ve heard of online therapy (video conference) and thought they may be helpful. Prayers for peace .

terei · June 2

You mother does not need to know where or with whom you are going. If the information causes conflict, I would simply tell her you are doing something else..night class, shopping, whatever. I would not be giving her any information about what you are doing away from home.

lyricazelea · June 3

My mom is similar, no friends, no activities, refuses help or suggestions. I don't have advice because I think it's very particular to each person, for example my mother has borderline personality disorder. But keeping your boundaries is important, and not taking on her emotions which can be very challenging especially with our mothers. Therapy has helped me more than anything.

Resentful/Jealous of Friendships

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