Only child of an only child

Sheilab01 · June 5

Hi! I’m new to this and initially resisted a support group. I think because I’ve just been overwhelmed. My dad lived in Florida and I seen him a few times a year, a week at a time. He would say to me “I’m sure you can see the old man’s mind is starting to fail”. I wasn’t with him enough to realize this was more than normal aging. Dec 19 he called to tell me he had gotten a dementia diagnosis and he was NOW telling me because he lost his car in the Publix parking lot. Then Dec 22 I get a call from one of his friends saying he’s hallucinating. I have his friends trying to get him to stop driving one friend brought him to the dr to be checked for a UTI (negative) as I’m trying to arrange travel on the busiest holiday dad finally calls the sheriff to get the people out of his house(hallucinations). He went willingly to the hospital. Turns out he DID have a UTI! Ended up with sepsis. Didn’t think he’d make it. Spent the month of January in Florida getting everything in order (medical, house, paperwork ect) finally Feb 1 he was able to fly home with me. First to a PT facility until I could find a bed for him in memory care closer to me. He spent all of this time with a Foley catheter. Finally this may he had TURP procedure done. He’s in a great facility and I visit generally every other day. This seems to have happened and is progressing fast. I don’t know if I’m doing this caregiving this right or not? I second guess myself all the time! His primary Dr and director of the facility keep telling me I’m doing it right and I’m doing a great job advocating for him. I’ve started therapy for my own peace of mind. It’s been A LOT!
I wonder if anyone else feels that uncertainty? Do you worry that you may end up with the disease too? How do you juggle everything?
Thank you in advance for any words of wisdom. I tried to condense this as much as I felt I could.

Jeanne C. · June 5

Hi Sheila - welcome to the group. I think you'll find the people here are kind and experienced. The first thing I want to tell you is that you care and are trying your best. That's more than half the battle. I doubt my decisions every day, but try to remember that I'm always looking for the best option for my loved one. I truly think you're doing well. You have him somewhere safe (safety is often our key driver). You're getting him appropriate care. I will strongly encourage you to make sure you take care of yourself - it's like putting on your oxygen mask first before you help others on the plane. You're doing great.

Don't get overwhelmed by all the information, but we've been collecting helpful information and posts into a group on this site. Honestly the search tool for the site kind of sucks, so I find it easier to use the group. Go to the page navigation (3 horizontal bars to the top left of the page for me, but it could be the top right depending on your device). Go to groups and then look for new caregivers. And don't hesitate to ask questions on the discussion boards. I recommend using the general caregiver one as it gets a lot of traffic.

mabelgirl · June 5

The fact that you seek out information says you are doing an excellent job at caregiving. I second everything that Jeanne C commented and want to underscore to be sure to take care of yourself. You’ve did right by your dad and have him well taken care of and safe.
I moved my mom in with me nearly a year ago. I have used this board and all other avenues to gain knowledge on how to care for her. One thing for certain although the behaviors are very similar the solutions are not. Just a testament to the uniqueness in all of us. This helped me to understand there is no single right way to do this. As long as she is safe, healthy and clean means I’m doing ok.
I also, not only worry that I myself will develop dementia but I seem to see signs in my older siblings as well. I can’t say I’ve shaken those thoughts though. For my mom I do believe her ALZ was due to an abusive husband when she was young and many falls causing head injury. This helps me think it’s not genetics. I play lots of brain games to help me confirm it’s still intact!
In time you will have learned a lot and it does become a little less overwhelming as you do.

M1 · June 5

Hi Shelia and welcoime. i would second what you're being told: you've done a FANTASTIC job getting on top of a lot of things in a very short period of time. This is very, very difficult stuff. i think you will appreciate the support of this group—-it has kept me afloat through four very tough years. Sounds like your dad is in a great place and is doing as well as you can expect. It's tough, with a fatal illness, to accept the concept that you will lose him, regardless, but our objective is to provide safe passage for our loved ones. You are doing that, no question.

harshedbuzz · June 5

@Sheilab01

It sounds like you've done everything as well as anyone could so far. Assuming responsibility and managing a move to another state is not easy. Ask me how I know. Ugh getting flights in and out of FL over a holiday on the fly is not for the faint of heart.

Take this time to recharge your own batteries and process the impact of what you've been through. Let the staff do the hands-on and be a daughter. Dad's fortunate to have so stella a daughter.

HB

Sheilab01 · June 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211755#Comment_211755

thank you💖 I do one thing every day for me.

psg712 · June 5

For sure, you have done a great job handling your dad's crisis in so short a time and providing ongoing care close to you. As others have said, he is truly blessed to have you by his side. I've done the out of state move too for my mom and remember the challenges!

I've found that it's hard to process the effects of all you and your LO have been through while still in the midst of the crisis. You did what you had to do on short notice. As the dust settles and your dad is in a steady care routine, the feelings will surface for you. You did right to connect with a therapist. This group is wonderful for support too. Glad you are here!

Sheilab01 · June 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211774#Comment_211774

thank you💖

Sheilab01 · June 5

Thank you💖

Sheilab01 · June 5

Thank you💖 yes I have said since day one that I will mourn him twice. First his slow fade and then his passing. Sucks! There’s no other way to say it.

Sheilab01 · June 5

Thanks I just found the other group😁

Sheilab01 · June 5

Thank you💖 I don’t know how you do this 24/7, I k ow my limits and I could not take dad home with me.

Only child of an only child

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