Early Dementia

mzimm · June 6

My mom has early dementia. She still drives and she still lives alone, which I hate but she refuses to move and stop driving. She has no problem getting back home during the day. I have 3 sisters and she doesn't trust either of us because she thinks we talk about her / and conspiring against her. I'm the one that deals with her, and I try to take care of her, but she fights my help. She is mad at me because I told her doctor symptoms we see, like not being able to count money. She saw it as a betrayal. My dad made me the beneficiary for her insurance before he died. She has been asking for paperwork and I think she wants to make my niece or nephew her beneficiary. They have talked to my mom on the phone over the years, but everyone lives in different states, and she hasn't seen them as adults, so they are not close to her. One is 30 and one is 27. Is my mom capable to making this decision on her own? Should I give her the paperwork. My mom has a home she is paying for but the military is going to take the home if she passes, it can't go to us because she won't do a will or living will because she thinks I'm trying to control her. She doesn't have a lot of money. The only thing being the beneficiary will do is pay off bills and funeral cost with some money left over. I don't want to lie and say I don't have the insurance. If she is able to understand what she is doing, I don't mind giving it to her so she can make her own decision. I can tell her to call the insurance company and have them send her a copy.

The reason we want to keep the insurance paperwork is because it has my dad's handwriting on it. She went on a rampage and shredded everything we were trying to save that he wrote on, and this is all we have left. Shes been so angry with him she hates when we talk about him in front of her. I just don't know if giving her the insurance is the right thing to do.

M1 · June 6

welcome to the forum. Under no circumstances would I give her any paperwork or let her make financial decisions. You need to talk to a certified elder law attorney as soon as possible about getting Durable power of attorney for her or if she won’t agree, pursuing emergency guardianship. Look at nelf.org.

The paranoia you’re describing is not consistent with early dementia, she is likely more advanced than you realize and should very likely not be living alone or driving. But all of these are hard battles to fight. I’m sorry it’s so difficult, but you have come to a good place for advice and support.

RoyalBlue · June 6

Please reach out for help in the safety of your mother. I have a step dad that has a form of dementia that has increased in severity since he has had several falls and brain bleeds. It is so very hard to be the so called bad guy and caregiver. My Mom lives with him and has her own health issues herself. We had a drivers test done to see if my step dad could drive after having a seizure and placed on medication for seizures. The doctor was the bad guy in telling him that he could not safely drive. He is 86 years old now and says he is going to drive and we are to the point of hiding keys and do the safe thing! Do you have POA for medical and financial? Does your mother have a will in place?
The insurance paper issue needs to be talked over with a lawyer to see where the rights fall. It sounds like this is the beginning of many days like this in the future. Remember that dementia is a horrible disease that takes the love one and turns them into a different person. Hope this helps. SAFETY first always!!

H1235 · June 6

Anosognosia is a symptom of dementia. People with this are not able to understand their own limitations. This makes everything very difficult. You can not trust her judgment! When we think of dementia people often think of is as memory loss. There is so much more to it. Poor judgment and lack of executive functioning are also big problems. Since she doesn’t recognize her limitations or lack of good decision making skills she is upset with you for even suggesting there might be problems. This sounds so much like my mom.
I hope you have a POA. This is important! At moms first appointment for dementia I pointed out things I felt the doctor needed to know. She was so mad. Now I usually send a note to the doctor through the healthcare portal. Way better. I understand how difficult it is to not do what she asks and to take her independence away. But you have to keep her safe physically and financially. If you lie to her about the paper work so that you can have money for her final expense that makes way more sense than giving her the paperwork and be left with no way to cover those final costs. There is something called a therapeutic fib. Some people have a very hard time with it. I think if a fib will save her anger, confusion or frustration it’s worth it. It’s my opinion that you should not give her the paperwork and it’s perfectly acceptable to come up with a fib that might help.
Because of the anosognosia she will probably never understand that she needs to quit driving. That decision is for you and her doctors to make, not her. She will also probably never recognize she as not able to live alone. Again this is up to you or the person who hold the DPOA. Nothing you say will convince her you are right on any of these things. We just move my mom to AL. She did not want to go, saw no reason for it and was very upset about it. She went days without speaking to me. It was difficult, but I know we did what was best for her even if she doesn’t realize it.
This is all very tough. This group is here for you, reach out as more questions come up.

mzimm · June 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/211919#Comment_211919

Thank you so much. I needed that advice.

mzimm · June 7

Yes, it certainly helped. I thank you so much. No POA and no will. We were trying to get a POA a couple of months ago, but she wouldn't do it.

mzimm · June 7

Ok I will reach out. I really appreciate your help.

Early Dementia

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