Taking away her car - Mother with early onset Alzheimer’s

baileyrhodes · August 2023

My mother has been diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer’s and within the last 5 months we have seen it get significantly worse. Her mind struggles and she has gotten lost while driving probably 30 times now. Two weeks ago she popped two tires while out and we knew her time was coming to get her off the road. Then these past two weeks have been her worst, she has had 3 separate days where she hears voices in her head and became completely delusional/not herself and ran away from us many times. Since then she has gone on an antipsychotic and has been doing pretty great but our family obviously agrees she should not be driving. When we told her she could no longer drive she took it extremely hard - I don’t blame her. She doesn’t recall her bad days, so if I was feeling totally fine but was told I could no longer drive, I’d be upset too. Does anyone have any tips on how to go about this extremely tough convo? Especially because it has already happened twice due to her forgetting.

M1 · August 2023

Bailey, you have done exactly the right thing, and no, is isn't easy. My partner went to memory care 18 months ago after threatening me when I wouldn't let her drive, and it continues to come up even though she is now in stage 5-6.

Because she can't remember what you've said, you need to do more than just talk about it. Optimally you need to remove the car(s) if you can--out of sight, out of mind--and short of that, unhook the battery, hide the keys, and make sure she doesn't have an extra set stashed away. In some states you can also report her anonymously to the DMV, and if you have power of attorney, cancel her insurance (not that that would deter her necessarily).

Sorry you are facing this but it's a hot-button topic in almost every family.

snicholson · June 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/180423#Comment_180423

Hi M1,

I have read several of your responses to different posts, including my own, and you seem very knowledgeable on all of the different difficulties of this disease. I am still very new to this group, so been trying to navigate through older threads for advice. While reading this thread I was hoping that you might have some advice on how you have gone about addressing your loved one when she continues to ask about driving and becomes upset. My husband and I are going today to pick up my dad's daily driver "to get it fixed" where he had backed into someone. We obviously don't plan to return the vehicle, and are truly using the need for repairs as a good reason to get the vehicle out of there. We are also disabling his truck, that is unsafe to drive under the best conditions, while we're there this evening.

Dad has already made comments about "they better not have it long," and "when will I get it back," etc. I have tried on multiple occasions to help him understand why it is no longer safe for him to drive, and that we will all do our best to get him to and from places, but he is still very angry when the topic comes up. Dad has always had a short fuse and I know this is going to be a constant source of his anger/frustration towards me, and the frequent calls to question me on it will start. Any suggestions on the best way to redirect, or deal with the topic when it continues to come up? And is it ok, to tell him that they continue to have it, long after they finish with the vehicle? Not sure if there is a line that we should draw when using "therapeutic" lies…

I should also mention that I am not entirely sure what stage he is in with his alzheimer's (doctors didn't really give much in the way of specifics). He can still do basic ADLs, and mows his grass, does little tasks around the house. However, he does not eat well or adequately at all, I pay his bills, make and take him to doctor's appointments and deal with all major responsibilities. Neurologists just said no driving, no guns, and 24/7 supervision (which I am still also trying to figure out the logistics of, as they said cameras could work for now).

Sorry for such a long post, but just really seeking any advice at this stage. Thanks!

M1 · June 12

hi snicholson. Good for you for getting this done for both vehicles. I think you continue to tell him that it’s being repaired, indefinitely. The success of this strategy partly depends on whether he has any sense of time, and on how much executive function he has. You need to anticipate whether he would actually try to call the repair place (I wouldn’t tell him where you’re taking it), or whether he would actually try to call a dealer or a car rental or even Uber to get access to another vehicle. One recent poster told the story of her mother who called a dealer from assisted living, the dealer picked her up , sold her a car and let her drive it off the lot.

You probably need to find out if your state has a mechanism for reporting him to the DMV to get his license revoked. I would also cancel his insurance.

As to what I told my partner-none of it was very successful. She ultimately threatened to come after me with a knife, and although she didn’t actually do it, this was what landed her in the hospital and then into memory care.

snicholson · June 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212574#Comment_212574

M1, thank you so much for your response. Luckily dad has not been successful in finding contact information for anyone or any place for a while, so I don't think him calling anyone is too likely. He even calls me for help on how to call other people who are in his saved contacts. I think the only reason that he can still call me is because I saved myself and a few other numbers on the home screen of his phone. I will definitely try sticking with the car being repaired as to why he hasn't gotten it back. The neurologist did mention that he would contact the DMV if dad does not stop driving voluntarily, so maybe I should reach out and have him go ahead and do that? I can message him on the online medical chart app, but follow up appt isn't until Aug.

Also, I am sorry to hear about some of what you have gone through with your partner. This is such a devastating disease! I am so thankful to have found this community and supportive people like yourself! I hope you know how much you are appreciated!

M1 · June 12

it’s mutual dear, this forum has kept me afloat through four tough years. I think it’s a good idea to go ahead and contact the neurologist. Do you get your father’s mail? Because I would definitely try to intercept any communication to him from the DMV. Hopefully it will be out of sight, out of mind. Keep us posted.

snicholson · June 12

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212597#Comment_212597

I will reach out to the doctor to start the DMV process. I don't currently get his mail sent to my address, so I will take action on getting important things switched to be mailed to me. Thanks again for all of the support! I will definitely be checking back in!

Taking away her car - Mother with early onset Alzheimer’s

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