Mom finally placed in home for wellbeing and safety. Sister not supportive

kss · June 12

Recently placed my 93 y/o mom in a home care setting with 9 other ladies, as she is on hospice with moderate to advanced dementia and very frail. I did this as POA after 2 years and 4 doctors saying mom needed 24/7 care. My sister insists on taking her out of the home for prolonged stays (10-15 days/mo) either at my sister's cabin or home in the suburbs. My sister says we can visit Mom at her house, but quite frankly, my brother and myself would rather not have anything to do with my sister. She is toxic and a narcissist per the therapist I have worked with for years. My mom gets disoriented and confused when returned, maybe a bit agitated. My sister is a physician as am I, but feels that my mom should stay at her house as much as possible. When my mom is not there, it is because my sister is either traveling or working. My sister refuses to use a calendar, saying mom is not an appointment, changes plans without considering others and if we don't fall in line, my sister gets mean and aggressive. I have POA, but my sister couldn't care less. I with one of my sibling's support have retained a lawyer. I am ok with disengaging from my sister although we are identical twins, except when it comes to my mom's well-being and safety, and making sure that at least I and my sibling have adequate opportunity to visit with mom. I don't see my sister changing. Help, this has taken over my life.

H1235 · June 12

Welcome. Unfortunately family can add a whole new ugly twist to dementia. Can you tell the home she is in that as her DPOA you do not want her to be taken out? Will they support you on this? Even if they get on board it sounds like you’re probably still going to need a lawyer(your sister will fight you on it). Did I understand correctly that she is receiving hospice care? How does that work if she is not in the home? Is your sister providing proper care for her? How does the hospice team feel about these extended outings? I would think these outing would go against best practices and what would typically be recommended. I would also worry that if you are able to stop her, your sister might bring your mom into it saying you won’t let her take her anymore ( making you out to be the bad guy). Not that you need more to worry about. I think meeting with a lawyer is a good idea. I would make note of all these visits (dates etc.) and document everything you can to bring to the lawyer. I do not think you are being unreasonable at all. So sorry you are going through this.

Quilting brings calm · June 12

As POA you should be able to deny visitation and removal rights to people that you feel a need to do so. Ask the lawyer - this should be a question they can answer now even before a face to face appointment. Some states have ‘ask a lawyer’ lists where you can get a reasonable first short consult.

There is also the fact that as POA you are supposed to be making sure your mom’s finances are appropriately handled. Paying for 10-15 days a month that your mom isn’t in the building may not be that- and you should be able to use that as another reason for your mom not to be removed by your sister.
You may need to request a restraining order. Again something within your rights as POA.

kss · June 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212610#Comment_212610

Great question about hospice care when my mom is staying with my sister. I will have to ask hospice. Yes, I think my sister will oppose anything I try to do. The home is willing to limit my sister from visiting, however, I think that my sister's response will be defiance, and complicate the situation. I am hoping to get the lawyer's input soon. Thank you for your support and recs.

kss · June 13

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212620#Comment_212620

Thank you for your suggestions. POA was appointed when my mom had the capacity. Unfortunately, my sister contacted the elder law list and believe it or not had a POA drawn up and signed by Mom even though Mom did not have decisional capacity. I spoke to the lawyer who did this, as my sister provided his information when she told me if I didn't like it I should litigate it. He said my sister did not reveal the dementia diagnosis, he had no documentation of any capacity determination and only recalled that my mom knew her BD and SS#. I contacted a few different free lawyers and was told 3 times that there was a conflict of interest. The last told me the conflict was easy to figure out. Two doctors confirmed that Mom was not decisional close to the time of the POA my sister had her sign. The hospice social worker suggested I attempt to get guardianship, but my lawyer was concerned that my sister would sabotage that (based on our disagreeing) and the court would appoint a professional guardian. I really like the idea of the finances and will discuss that with the lawyer.

towhee · June 13

So your sister has a POA that she says supersedes yours? Does she have a medical POA as well as the financial POA? This is really not good. It might put the facility and hospice in the position of not knowing who has legal control, and they are not going to want to be in the middle of this. It will be expensive to go for guardianship if your sister wants to contest it, there is no guarantee you will win and a private guardian is a possibility. If this is solely about your mothers care and not about her financial assets maybe some type of mediation would be possible. The amount of time you get with a free consultation is probably not going to be enough to sort this out. I would choose the most qualified lawyer, write down ahead of time the existing situation, your specific concerns about your moms care, and what you hope to accomplish. It would be good to have your siblings all read it and be in agreement with the goals before you meet with the lawyer.

Unfortunately, the decision to place a loved one can lead to a great deal of family strife. I hope your family can heal.

Quilting brings calm · June 13

Havong read your additional conflict about the superseding POA, here’s my thoughts.

What are you hoping that a new lawyer or additional input from an existing lawyer will tell you?
Three lawyers have basically told you they can’t help you( their conflict discussion). Your lawyer doesn’t want to challenge it in court or sue for guardianship.

Guardianship is the only thing that’s going to get you legal control of your mom back. If your sister challenges it and wins- what makes the legal result any different than what’s happening in real life right now? She’s taking physical control of your mom half the time as it is. Who’s actually writing the checks to oay for your mom’s needs? Because it legally should be her since she has the not yet legally challenged latest POA.
I think you either sue for guardianship or you cede all control to your sister and you become a daughter that visits your mom when she’s at the facility but doesn’t interfere. Because right now she could take that POA of hers into court and sue you for making decisions she doesn’t agree with. You’d have to countersue for guardianship at that point.

I’m very surprised hospice, the facility, and financial institutions are continuing to work with you since they now know she has the most recent POA.

I’m so sorry your sister has put you in this situation.

kss · June 13

Ah, thank you. The POA that my sister generated as I understand it reviewing state law and confirmed by my lawyer is not valid as my Mom was assessed by two different physisicians as not having decisional capacity. One assessment was in April, about 3 weeks before, and the second was 8 days after the POA my sister generated. Great suggestions about having goals. I am currently trying to identify a mediator with an understanding of dementia. I am Going to call the local chapter today to see if they have someone they can recommend. Hope to be able to heal at some point.

jfkoc · June 13

The point at which your mother lacks decisional capacity is also the point at which a POA is no longer valid. Please review the original document to see if it is a Durable Power of Attorney.

You can find a lot of info re this online.

H1235 · June 13

And I thought my brother was difficult. Wow! I hope you are able to get things resolved without things getting too ugly.

kss · June 15

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/212690#Comment_212690

Good morning. Just to let everyone know, the disagreements in my family do not involve finances or money. I feel I am in a good space. I have not been able to identify any elder mediators in my area. I was hoping that once the POA is clarified, mediation focused on mom's care and visitations could resolve some of the differences. I will let everyone know how things go in hopes of helping others in difficult sibling situations.

Mom finally placed in home for wellbeing and safety. Sister not supportive

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