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Unknown road

LynnBonser
LynnBonser Member Posts: 5
5 Care Reactions First Comment
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

I'm not sure where to start. I'm not used to having to ask for support.

My hubby was diagnosed a year ago w/short term memory loss. They wanted to do more tests, but he's refused. He states there is nothing wrong w/his memory.

He's 68 & we've been married 23 yrs. His father & grandfather passed away w/dementia. Out of his six siblings he has one sister who has been put in a home w/dementia.

Today is one of his bad days. I'm basically the devil incarnate & don't care about him or our vehicle. (I've been forbidden to drive our pickup because I'm going to either blow up the engine or wreck it.)

Because he's believing I don't care about him, he's telling me he doesn't want to eat or drink anything. He just wants to die. Right now he's just lying in bed. I at least have the room temperature cool enough.

What would you do?

Comments

  • LynnBonser
    LynnBonser Member Posts: 5
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214146#Comment_214146

    Legal & financial? I'm not sure where to start.

    I've been handling our finances for a while. I'm on everything except one credit card & I've taken that away from him.

    I also have the challenge of our residency being in South Dakota, but live in our 5th wheel in California.

    All that I can probably figure out. What I'm not sure of is the "if he'll cooperate" part. What if he won't?

  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,711
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    You will need durable power of attorney for finances and healthcare. You should talk to a certified elder law attorney in whatever state you think will be your permanent residence: this matters, because you should investigate how to get him qualified for Medicaid for long-term institutional care, and the rules vary by state. You can find lists of these attorneys by location at nelf.org. A good attorney will know what to say to win his cooperation, and you can say that you are updating your papers too ( as you should, since he should not serve as your executor or POA ).

  • Ed1937
    Ed1937 Member Posts: 5,084
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    edited June 29

    Not only would I agree with everything M1 said, but do it ASAP. Waiting to do this could cost you thousands of dollars. And for the first meeting, you can go by yourself or take someone else besides him with you. That way someone else might remember what was said about something if you have questions.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 878
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214151#Comment_214151

    I got my husband to go to an attorney by telling him we both needed powers of attorney in case something happened to one of us. I did also get a DPOA for me naming my daughter. He thought nothing of it. Within 6 months he could no longer read and understand documents or sign his name. You need a DPOA (Durable Power of Attorney at least. Call an Elder Care Attorney.

  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 878
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69717/unknown-road

    also read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which helped me a lot after my husbands diagnosis. It was recommended by a nurse.

  • charley0419
    charley0419 Member Posts: 354
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214173#Comment_214173

    great book must read

  • Denise1847
    Denise1847 Member Posts: 835
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    edited June 29

    Just to add to the wisdom of this wonderful group - contact the doctor re his behaviors and ask for meds for him. My DH is on antidepressant and anti-anxiety med and it keeps him mellow most of the time. PWD can become violent and the meds may help to prevent that. My doctors have warned me to stay safe because if this possibility. If the doctor is not willing to do this, then I would find another doctor. Get in a support group if you can. Please keep in touch with this group as you will find it a lifeline.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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