As caregivers what do we do with all those feelings.....

Belle60 · July 1

As I look forward to going to work this morning after a long weekend with DH, I feel guilty leaving him home. But at the same time relieved I am leaving to go to work. DH is still able to be by himself for periods of time and between a combination of home health and my ability to telework he is taken care of. I have to go into work some days. But I still feel guilty and relieved at the same time.

This weekend the driving issue came up again. After an all day temper tantrum, yelling, and throwing things and blaming me for his inability to drive he finally settled down and did not have any memory of it the next day. But I did! and it stuck with me for two days. I had a mixture of anger and sadness at him knowing full well he is not responsible for his behavior with this disease but the feelings are still there. This isn't a normal marital spat where you can kiss and makeup and feel ok about it. This is different. We have to stuff our feelings We have no outlet. No resolution. It is frustrating and incredibly sad.

I am not mad at him. I'm just mad.

Jeanne C. · July 1

Of course you're mad. You should be. You're being robbed of the life you planned. I talk it out with my support group (I found a great one where we're all women in our 50s dealing with dementia) and my sisters. I am very lucky to have made a friend with another member of the forum who lives close so we vent to each other. I work through it with my therapist. I take walks. I cry after he goes to sleep. Sometimes I jlet myself be mad. And sometimes I just give him a hug - kiss and make up can still work sometimes, even if it's one sided.

Can you find someone to talk to? A therapist is great because it's all about you. A friend is also great because you can be there for each other.

jsps139_ · July 1

I relate to everything you said Belle60. Yesterday we were ready for our walk and he was carrying his eye glasses, which he never takes on our walks. I asked him if he wanted to leave his glasses home while we walk. Well, he blew up … yelling and calling me names. He was furious most of the day. He got up this morning with no memory of it, but I had a sleepless night with the memories to go with it.
I agree that it is not a normal marital spat because there is NEVER a … I’m sorry … from them. (And I realize that is no longer possible for them) It is a roller coaster for sure.
Thank God for this support group!!!

Belle60 · July 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214453#Comment_214453

Thanks! I think a therapist is a good idea. I have thought about for a while just havent looked into it seriously.

Belle60 · July 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/214467#Comment_214467

We have to hang in there. They don't have anyone else.

Pat6177 · July 2

What I have read on this forum several times is that acceptance makes it easier to live with the PWD. It’s true. Now getting to acceptance is the tricky part. Knowing that the behavior is from the disease is part of it. Not taking the accusations/situaions personally is part of it. And remembering this little phrase also helps me - “My feelings are real but they might not be reality.” Yup, I feel like he is doing such and such to make me miserable. I validate my feelings and then ask myself if those feelings reflect reality. Sometimes they do but, with this disease, oftentimes my feelings don’t reflect reality. I feel he is walking slowly to make me have to wait for him. Nope, he just can’t walk well anymore. My personal bugaboo are my recurring feelings of “What about me?!?”. I think I will always struggle with that one. I don’t think it means I’m selfish or self-centered, just that things are so very out of balance with this disease.

Denise1847 · July 2

Hi Belle60, I am with you. I am pretty much raging inside most of the day. I am not mad at him but the disease. When someone figures out the magic way to get over the feelings of unfairness, loneliness, injustice of spending your days watching your DH sleep and taking care of his every need without any relief, I hope they tell us.

ImMaggieMae · July 2

Pat said, “Not taking the accusations/situaions personally is part of it. And remembering this little phrase also helps me - “My feelings are real but they might not be reality.” Yup, I feel like he is doing such and such to make me miserable. I validate my feelings and then ask myself if those feelings reflect reality. Sometimes they do but, with this disease, oftentimes my feelings don’t reflect reality. I feel he is walking slowly to make me have to wait for him. Nope, he just can’t walk well anymore.”

Boy, is that ever true! I often take some of the annoying things he does personally and become angry and exasperated. Like when he gets up and walks to the back door and unsets the door locks, only to stay outside for two minutes because it’s so hot out there. But he does it over and over again and I have to follow to make sure he doesn’t fall. He doesn’t remember that I told him 2 minutes ago not to do that. He is barely verbal anymore. But I know it’s good for him to get up and walk, even if that short distance. But it drives me crazy and I get mad because I’m tired and would like him to be able to just sit and talk to me. Or let me take him for a ride in the car like we used to. Or go for a walk somewhere else, but he’s too unsteady to go much further. Then, I’m so angry with myself for getting angry with him. Pat, you put it perfectly. Thank you.

As caregivers what do we do with all those feelings.....

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