Tips for What To Say

Daisie · July 5

So…..my mom has failed to recognize me as her daughter. She refers to me in the third person, "Daisy," does this or "Daisy," does that. When she asks me what "my" name is, I say, "Daisy." When I give her my last name, of course, it's the same as "her daughter's." When she asks me about my birthday, I say the same one as "her daughter's." Yet she can't put two and two together and realize I'm me, her daughter.

I hope that makes sense!LOL

Do I just keep honestly answering the question or make stuff up? I feel utterly helpless and at a loss.

I am looking into memory care to get her in sooner rather than later, Medicaid or not! I can't cope anymore. It's taking a toll on me and my friends tell me I look terrible lately, just stressed and exhausted!

Thank you!

SusanB-dil · July 5

Hi Daisie - the first time my mom referred to me as her sister, it really threw me for a loop.

Yes, what you've said makes sense to those of us dealing with it. I'm sure it stings for you. Sorry you are dealing with that.

I just go with the flow. her: "Hi T, good to see you (or talk, if on phone) me: "Hi, are you having a good day today?"

Yes - all of 'this' will take its toll. You do need to be careful and take care of yourself. dementia Rule #1: Don't argue with a PWD. Rule #1: Take care of yourself Rule #2: see rule #1, both of them.

DementiaDIL · July 5

I am interested in these tips, too. My FIL often doesn’t recognize his wife of 65 years and thinks she is another (nameless) woman. She goes with the flow and follows the standard advice, but it seems unkind. He doesn’t know or understand what is happening to him. Should we tell him he has a disease that makes him confused?

fmb · July 5

@DementiaDIL

Do not tell him he has dementia. He is no longer capable of understanding what to you is a rational explanation for his problems, and it very well may upset him. Basically, the rational part of his brain is no longer working. Going with the flow is the kind thing to do. My DH no longer knows my name, sometimes doesn't even know I'm his wife, and when he does know I'm his wife, it is his late wife who died 25 years ago. I just go with the flow and meet him in his reality regarding this. He seems to know that I'm a nice lady who kisses him on the forehead and calls him Sweetheart, and that's good enough for me.

psg712 · July 5

Same with my mom. She wouldn't be able to say my name to save her life, but she (usually) smiles when she sees me. That has to be enough.

Anonymousjpl123 · July 8

I think PWD often come and go in terms of recognizing loved ones. One resident in my mom’s MC talked to me constantly about his two brothers, who it turns out are his two sons. My mom mostly knows me but occasionally thinks there’s two of me - also an older or younger sister with my same name. However, a while ago she stayed with me and later thought I was an imposter not really her daughter. Very jarring. I just tried to reassure her it was me, and let her know I would take care of “the imposter.” It passed eventually.

My sense is that the path of least resistance is usually best. Just try to reassure her. Hang in there. Memory care was a game changer for me.

Smilinpj · July 10

i understand. My mom (Alzheimer's) doesn't know I'm her daughter. I actually change depending on what we've just done.

We got home from a dinner out a while ago and when in the house she demanded I go get 'the other one' so she could say thank you. It took me a minute to figure out, but she wanted to talk to the 'driver', which was me - standing right in front of her that just helped her into the house! i just told her they already left. She was okay with that.

It does no good to argue, remind, correct - but it is hard not to sometimes. I still find myself telling mom not to do something (she tries to move her dinner chair back by pushing with her legs and it going to go right over one of these days!) but she just keeps right on doing it. And Dad keeps getting on her about things because he has dementia, and doesn't remember that she can't remember. Sometimes it's comical, some days it's just hard.

(((hugs))) and know you can always vent or ask for advice here.

Judi

Daisie · July 10

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/215448#Comment_215448

Yes! I go through those same things! We'll be sitting on the couch watching TV, I'll leave the room for a sec, come back, and she'll wonder what happened to my friend who was watching TV with us! OMG, that makes sense now, reading what you just said (thank you!). It IS a struggle to bite my tongue. Every day is a process. I'm getting better at it, but it's hard. I also have to do a LOT of fact-checking for my job in healthcare, so I'm very logical and linear-focused, which makes it harder for me NOT to correct her. I've noticed if I can distract or just nod in agreement, the moment sometimes passes quickly. You are right; sometimes it IS comical, and I can laugh later!

I watch my mom do "physically" incorrect things all the time, too. And she HAS toppled over numerous times (black eye, split upper lip, cracked teeth, bloody nose). She won't use walking assistance, so I just figure that if she falls, she falls. It's awful, but there's not much else I can do!

I'm so sorry that BOTH your parents and you are dealing with this!

Mlewis501 · July 16

Just go with the flow…. you will only get upset/frustrated and so will your loved one. My mom didn't know who I was for the last 2/3 years of her life, but she always knew I was her person:) and that would make us both smile.

H1235 · July 16

I think you say what ever is going to cause her the lest amount of upset. If she is getting angry and bothered that you have the same name as her daughter then maybe go by a different name. If it’s not bothering her I wouldn’t worry about it. I know easier said than done. I’m not sure my mil knew who I was or who my grandkids were when we came to visit, but she always had a good time. That in my opinion is what matters is that our lo are content or hopefully even happy. My mom on the other hand still has her memory. She knows who I am, but conversation are very difficult, because everything I do makes her angry. I think I would rather she not know me and enjoy our time together than to know me and despise me. I don’t know? I guess it’s awful no matter what. I hope you are able to find some peace.

terei · July 16

Chug, have you tried introducing yourself as a new friend? An acquaintance of mine used to go to the facility with a wig + a scarf on it + tell her mother ‘hi, my name is Joan. i’m here visiting. what’s your name?’. Her mother was very pleasant to her when she was a ‘friend’ but if she came in as ‘daughter’ her mother was mean as a snake. I’m not sure whether this could work but it might be worth a try

Daisie · July 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216040#Comment_216040

I really like that, and it makes perfect sense, especially when things often don't. Thank you!

Daisie · July 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216044#Comment_216044

I hope you can find some peace, too! There are days when I can't seem to make my LO happy, either, so I can understand how difficult it can be!

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