Mourning my mom

Jadmyfav06 · July 19

Hi everyone.

My mom has been diagnosed with alzheimer's disease for about 10 years now. Last year, had to place her in a memory care facility(the hardest thing ever). She has been doing well there and they are taking great care of her. She is still declining tho. She is in the the final stage of alzheimer's. So she can't do anything for herself other than walk around very slowly. She can't communicate anymore. It is so hard visiting her(which I do 2/3 times a week). It's like it's bittersweet. I feel like I have been mourning her for the last year or longer even though she is still here. I feel guilty for that. I miss my mom of years past. Just really wish I could have MY mom again.

1andonlydaughter · July 19

God bless...I know exactly how you feel. It is grieving for the loss of a loved one while they are still such a part of our lives. I just placed my mom in memory care 3 days ago and am just so very sad. Trusting others to love and care for a loved family member is difficult for both the caregiver and the loved one who suffers with such a terrible disease. My mom started showing signs about 10 years ago and has slowly progressed up until the last year and the dementia seems to be progressing faster now. She has lived with us for the past 8 years...placing her in a facility is the hardest decision. The grief we experience is an extension of the love we share with our loved one. It is a deep sadness of the separation of who we know them as and how the disease has taken them little by little. I believe it is a way of preparing us to release them to a place where they will be made perfect and whole again, where they will no longer have to suffer. Even though she cannot communicate verbally with you anymore just keep talking to her, hugging her and reassuring her that you love her. Spend those times with her and imagine how she would have responded...what she would have said. Please don't feel guilty for grieving your mom...your grief is as deep as your love.

Jadmyfav06 · July 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216309#Comment_216309

Thank you. And you do the same. Talking to someone who understands is sooo helpful.

SusanB-dil · July 19

A lot of us are grieving the LO we 'used to know'. It isn't the same person any longer, and yet, it is still our person that we have known for so long.

This is why 'this' is called 'the long good-bye'.

and it bites.

M1 · July 19

The other term you might want to look up is ambiguous loss. In dementia you lose the person before you lose the body, and it's not acknowledged in society the way a physical death is, yet the caregiver is still responsible for the upkeep of this demented person for sometimes years and years before the final release of death. That's part of why we caregivers feel so alone.

Mourning my mom

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