Therapy maybe?

ghphotog · July 21

My DW has been in MC for 4-5 months now and I still can't get over the guilt I feel for not visiting on some days and for having to leave her looking sad and dejected when I do leave after a visit.
She is always looking for me and when I visit she starts crying saying she's been looking everywhere for me and couldn't find me. God that breaks my heart.
I know I need to think about myself, at least that whay they say, but I can't get over the guilt that always plagues me. I don't really think therapy will help much it's just how I'm wired I guess.

terei · July 21

Some people have luck with excusing themselves to the bathroom or whatever + leaving without saying goodbye. You should try to give the staff the heads up so they can distract her afterwards

harshedbuzz · July 21

@ghphotog

Do staff also report that she is always looking for you or is this a self-reported behavior? It's likely that out-of-sight is out-of-mind by the time a PWD is in a MCF. To that end, ghosting her at a mealtime or to use the restroom spares the pair of you the pain of leave-taking.

That said if she's hyper-vigilant about where you are, medication could be used to relieve the anxiety the is driving the behavior.

HB

M1 · July 21

This used to be the case for us too, ghphotog. But now that my partner is sleeping most of the time, I can usually just slip out while she's asleep. She'll be glad to see me the next day and will ask me where I've been, but there are no more difficult goodbyes. One possible suggestion: she used to be much more accepting of my leaving if I told her I had a specific task to leave for, like picking up a grandchild or going to a doctor's appointment. I would usually tell her I would be back, but she would never know the difference.

ghphotog · July 21

Thanks everyone. I do try to find a time to slip away. I've used the bathroom excuse, have to go to work excuse, gotta meet my buddy for golf, but I find it difficult to just disappear on her. The staff are great and can tell I'm leaving and open the door for me. It's just as I look back I see her looking around for me. The staff does say she asks where I am a lot. She calls everyone by my name so there's that but I think she can still tell the difference but my name is first and foremost in her mind. Just hard but I'll be fine.

White Crane · July 21

Leaving is hard for me, too. I usually tell him I have to pick up my sister for her doctor appointment or that I have to pick up a prescription and will be back soon. That is getting harder though as he wants to go with me. His eyes plead with me to take him with me. Yes, leaving is hard.

SDianeL · July 21

I know how you feel. I feel guilty that I can't visit more often. I no longer tell him goodbye. I just leave. I wait until he's eating his lunch or dinner and just leave. He is so focused on eating he doesn't see me leave. I go cry in the car.

clarinetist · July 22

My DH usually gets sad when I leave him at memory care, and sometimes asks to come with me. I too feel some regret when I have to go, but I tell myself that his disease is the reason he’s there. When he was at home he had severe separation anxiety whenever I wasn’t in sight. The constant need to reassure him wore me down. I knew I would burn out if I didn’t get a break. With him in memory care, I get those breaks and the time I spend with him is more enjoyable for us both. Though it’s hard to see him miss me I know I made the right decision for us.

Currently he’s in the hospital awaiting a transfer to a Geri-psych unit because of his agitation/aggression. However they have upped his Risperidone quite a bit and I notice that he’s a lot more even-keeled when I leave. So perhaps a med adjustment might help, ghphotog?

ghphotog · July 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216593#Comment_216593

You described everything to a T! She's on mementine and Zoloft but the minimum dose. Possibly a revaluation?

Jazzma · July 22

I have experienced this with my DH too. I was reluctant to just leave, or to lie to him about why I was going — so we always had a painful talk about why he had to stay there and I was going home without him.

Recently I've been telling him that I have to to work, or to attend a conference call, or something else that he could not reasonably participate in. I also use M1's comment that 'I'll be back later' without specifying when. Staff says he has sometimes asked where I am, but it's less frequent now.

As far as guilt, I don't have the answer. I am seeing a therapist who has encouraged me to repeat to myself 'I deserve a life of my own' and 'I am not abandoning him.' Oddly, it does seem to help.

Hoping you are able to find some comfort and peace knowing that she is safe.

clarinetist · July 22

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216594#Comment_216594

It’s definitely something to consider with her doctor. Best of luck with this; we’re in a bad situation and all we can do is our best.

TyroneSlothrop · July 23

I know what you mean! When I visit her, it triggers her desire to leave; so I visit less often, and rely on the reports from staff and other visitors.
Why do we visit? Is it for her, or for myself? If it makes her unhappy, isn’t that a reason not to?

Tyrone

Dio · July 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216778#Comment_216778

I am so with you on this! I've decided that visiting may be a good idea if we are all normal, but we're in a very different lot. Each visit is traumatizing for both of us. So what's the point?? Missing him doesn't require seeing him physically. He's always on my mind and in my heart. People would say, "create good memories while you can." I say to them, good memories of us already exist. Seeing him in memory care does not create good memories for me. It breaks my heart each time seeing him there, that he needs to be there instead of living like normal healthy people.

Therapy maybe?

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