Can't go on like this

Buggytoo · July 20

So today my husband said "f you" to me while we were in the check out line at the grocery. Everyone in earshot heard. How humiliating. I can add grocery shopping to the list of activities we can no longer do together. And he can't be left alone, so. . .

Caro_Lynne · July 20

Sorry that happened to you Buggy; I haven't been able to go to any stores with my LO for a while now. Not because he uses abusive language but because of his unsteady gait and he tires easily; what would take me 20 minutes takes almost an hour.

I only do curbside pickup at the grocery stores, and Instacart and Doordash are my best friends. He's sleeping more lately so when I get up early enough, I can make a quick trip to the grocery store. I have cameras throughout the house including his room so I can watch him on my phone. It's difficult not being able to leave them alone so we find ways to adjust xo

Lorita · July 20

caro Lynn and Buggy, the time came when Charles and I couldn't go to restaurants but drive thrus worked for us. He loved to go shopping with me. He read labels so left the cart with him and brought things back to it. When we went through the check out he would take things out of the sack and put them either in the cart or back on the conveyer belt. No problem, we dealt with it. I did go into town a couple of Times early in the morning while he slept but decided I might not be able to get back in time so stopped that. All of this was before shipping and grocery pickup.

ghphotog · July 20

I understand, my DW started acting out from time to time in public but the last time I knew for sure we could never going out again. We were trying to eat at our favorite place and I could tell she was getting agitated. Well she started yelling at me, hitting me and screaming "I hate you!, I hate you!!" Trying to change our order to a takeout and get out the door with her while everyone in restaurant was looking at us. Some men were glaring at me like I was some sort of huge a-hole so I know.

SDianeL · July 20

my sweet husband called me a b**ch. I cried. It’s the disease. We stopped going to the store because he kept wandering off. We stopped going out to eat because he couldn’t read the menu or decide what he wanted to eat. I called the new behaviors “gut punches” as they came along. So sorry.

Crkddy · July 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69952/cant-go-on-like-this

I'm so sorry Buggytoo. It seems that we all go thru this at some point. I recall my DW yelling and cursing at me for trying to pick out new clothes for her at a department store. Everyone was staring and I just wanted to get out of there. The grocery store trips ended when it just became too much for her physically. Now I steal trips in the morning while she is in bed, or go when our private care CNA is here. You will get through this and find a routine that works for you. We all have to.

tigersmom · July 21

@Buggytoo , I am so sorry this happened to you. Is your DH on medications for his aggressive speech? Mine was already on citalopram, an antidepressant. But in May we had to add an antipsychotic to the mix to tamp down his anger and aggressive speech. Probably worth a call to his doctor if he is not. It has helped us. I can’t say the anger has disappeared, it it is definitely more manageable.

LaneyG · July 22

so sorry this has happened to you all. I fear my turn is coming not too far down the road. Hang in there.

Anicholson 85 · July 22

This resonates with me so much. My dad is only 66 and has moderate -severe ALZ. He officially lost his license 2 months ago and over the last month has become super mean. My husband, 13 y/o son, and I moved in to help and spend time with him a year ago. He has changed so much. Yesterday was a complete nightmare. We drove 3 hrs away yesterday to see my cousin who is in the ICU and he was so mean about not being able to drive and just cutting me down every chance he could even though I wasn't doing anything wrong. He was telling everyone that I made the Dr take his license away (not true at all) My cousin is dying and his focus was that. I know it's the disease but my 96 y/o grandma is about to lose a grandchild and the last thing she's interested in is his license. I feel like I can't take him anywhere. He berated me all the way home about everything he hates about his life. I wanted to pull over and walk away. Thankfully my son had on noise cancelling headphones and was sleeping. I am his emotional punching bag. We used to be really close up until now. I feel like I can't handle the emotional abuse. My tolerance for this is less and less each day he treats me like this. Sorry for the long post. I am just really struggling.

DTSbuddy · July 22

My DH is losing his inhibitions. He will unzip his pants, with underwear in full view, to tuck in his shirt and then zip up. Today in the parking lot, a lady saw him and looked shocked. I rolled my eyes, and she laughed. People in stores have been really nice when I explain he has dementia, as he tries to load someone elses' groceries into our cart. Amazing how many people share with me that they have a relative with memory issues, and they understand.

ghostkasper · July 22

Buggytoo, I feel your pain. My DW, stage six, gets agitated and sometimes combative. Includes name calling and punching. We live in Arizona. I use marijuana gummies to control the vocal and physical anger. They are legal here without a prescription. We go to the dispensary and get very low dose gummies. I give them to her three times a day. She is mellow and pleasant to be with if she has her gummy. If you live in a state where you can buy gummies, give them a try. They work for us.

Buggytoo · July 23

Thanks to all of you for sharing your kindness and experiences. This is the place where you learn you aren't the only one facing the unthinkable!

Bailey's Mom · July 24

Buggytoo,

I can totally relate to being berated constantly…My DH, who has early stage alzheimer's…does it non stop. Come to think of it, he always has only to a lesser degreee. I feel like one of those blow up clowns we used to have where you would stand on their feet and punch them! I am about at my breaking point as well.

I am an artist, and have just about had to give up painting…unless I paint in the middle of the night when I'm totally exhausted. He sees it as completely selfish because I close myself in my studio (which I only do for about an hour now) and do it alone and resents that I have something that fulfills me and he has nothing. I used to be a musician, but had to give that up because he couldn't tolerate the time I spent on it. On & on.

I just wonder if I like him enough anymore to sacrifice the remainder of life to care for him. I doubt that he would do it for me.

We have no children and no close family or friends (I have some but am not able to spend time with them), so I am it for him.

Sorry for the rant…just wanted you to know that you are not alone.

Buggytoo · July 24

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216817#Comment_216817

So very hard! I am sorry you are facing such difficulties. I hate this for all of us!

CindyBum · July 26

I haven't done it, because my DW has never enjoyed gummies, but like ghostkasper, we have a friend whose DW with dementia responds well to CBD gummies. They mellow her out considerably. I'm not sure how to find out which type of CBD might work the best.

Can't go on like this

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