If I had only known
If I had only known when we went to bed on January 18th that that was the last night we would ever sleep in the same bed, I would have cuddled up as close to him as I could and held him close. Instead, I slept on my side of the bed and he slept on his. Oh we said , "I love you" like always but if I had known, I would have said so much more…at least I think I would have. Maybe I would have just laid there and cried. The next day he didn't feel well and ended up ln the hospital with pneumonia and never came back home. He was too weak and the doctor said I could no longer take care of him at home. He went straight to memory care from the hospital. It's been six months and you would think the grief and loneliness would have lessened by now but they seem to be getting worse. Maybe it's because I signed a contract to sell our home of 52 years. So much has happened in the last six months that at times I haven't had time to think. I downsized to a much smaller house and have been working on spending down our life savings so he can qualify for Medicaid. My new house has needed a lot of work…painting, new carpet, new plumbing, a bathroom remodel. Now it is finally finished and looks lovely but I feel so lonely inside. And the grief is so intense sometimes it is like a physical ache. I went to the grocery store today and felt close to tears as I picked out one of this and one of that. I used to buy things he liked. Now I just walk around looking for something to cook for myself. This is such a lonely time for me.
Brenda
