Scared and tired

DlWest · July 23

Hi all. I'm new here. Just a quick background… I was the primary caregiver for my exes mom for 6 years. I loved her dearly and she did not have dementia, but when she passed, I found there was nothing left of her son and my relationship. I moved away and married a wonderful man. Now, his mother has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. My brother in law lives with her during the week (although he works during the day). We recently put cameras in her house so we could "check in" while he was at work. I have seen them yelling at each other many times. He just doesn't get her disease. My dilemma… we need to send my brother in law home. He's not good for her. But I don't want to be a full time caregiver again, and I don't want to lose my husband. I'm now 62 years old and I don't think I can do it again. Help?

mabelgirl · July 23

My brother in VA would call one of us in FL yelling and cussing at my mom because she was accusing them of stealing and taking her stuff. His house was very chaotic. We tried to no avail to get him to understand but he didn’t. It wasn’t until a crisis did all of us force the issue and moved mom out of his house. He was not happy about it as he was losing access to her SS as little as it is. The spouses of the siblings really didn’t have a say in the decision but realistically there were personal discussions beforehand. My own viewpoint is unless your husband is looking to bring her in your home it’s really between him and his siblings. If he wants to bring her into your home you must be clear with him that you are spent and cannot take it on.
Can home care be brought in? That may deflect some of the tension between them. Can an ALF of MC be considered?
Prayers for peace of mind.

Quilting brings calm · July 23

is there a reason that she couldn’t go into an AL/MC? I suggest that you be honest with your spouse about being unable to be the caregiver again. If he questions it…. Just have him post the question over on the spouse forum ( it’s the most active) and see what responses he gets. People here are very honest about the fact that caregiving isn’t for everyone and that it can be extremely rough on marriages. They will explain it to him in no uncertain terms.

SusanB-dil · July 23

I agree with QBC - I would not be able to handle MIL without DH. Not only for the caregiving itself, but since she cannot figure out where I fit in the picture, she can be rather nasty sometimes. DH can calm her down and I just try to stay under the radar. She will need to be in MC eventually, but for now, things are just staying rather static and we are managing. But full time caregiving - definitely not for everyone.

psg712 · July 23

Would your DH have a frank talk with his brother, acknowledging how stressful it is to be a caregiver for someone with dementia, how scary and sad to see their mom changing from the person they knew ... and opening a discussion about placement as possibly safer for her and saner for the family? Placement isn't best for everyone, but there should at least be open discussion of all the options and clarity on which will NOT work for you.

M1 · July 23

sounds like you should definitely investigate assisted living or memory care, if finances allow. Does anyone hold her powers of attorney for healthcare and finances? These will likely be needed to place her in a facility. If not already in place, a certified elder law attorney can help with these as well as with getting her qualified for Medicaid, if she can’t afford placement with private pay. Look at belt.org for a list of these attorneys by location.

DlWest · July 23

Thank you for all of your feedback. I'm not sure what DH is. My husband does have power of attorney. He was going to put me on it, too, but hasn't yet. I've tried to stay out of the "BIG" decisions, but I'm concerned about her. My husband and I have talked about her coming to live with us or moving into her home, but I would still be her caregiver. I'm not saying I can't do it, but I've spent my whole life taking care of others and I'd like to just have a life for a change. I think my husband has pretty much decided that I'm going to be her caregiver. I'm afraid it would push me over the edge and make me resentful. The problem with MC or other facility… they always promised her they wouldn't put her in a "home". And she has a little dog she would never ever give up. Ugh.

DlWest · July 23

Oh! Haha. I just saw what DH means. Yes, he has talked frankly to his brother and it still continues. The service we use "Seniors helping Seniors" have even mentioned elder abuse and reporting him.

M1 · July 23

DIWest, it sounds like you need to have this conversation specifically with your husband. He doesn't get to assume that you'll do this: it reminds me of a recent, serious issue between daughter and her husband in which they were in disagreement about whether to have a third child. Hands-on caretaking inevitably falls to the woman when one is available. This is a very valid issue to take tea marriage counselor, even.

DlWest · July 23

M1, I've told him that I can't do it again and why. I guess I need to make it perfectly clear. I still take her shopping, doctor visits and stay with her every other weekend so brother in law can go to his house and chill. I'll talk to him again when the time is right. Thank you. 🤗

DlWest · July 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/216707#Comment_216707

@QBC, I can't find the spouse forum you suggested. Can you direct me? Thanks.

Quilting brings calm · July 27

go up the home menu here. Select caring for someone with dementia. Then you get to select general caregivers, spouse or partner, or caring for a parent - which you are currently in

DlWest · July 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217209#Comment_217209

Thank you! 🤗

Scared and tired

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