Just venting

Bebobra · July 31

I am just dumbfounded by what the CG is telling me about my MIL. We left her for two week as we have been trying to move out of State to be closer to our Grands and family since earlier this year. She was mad at us for disabling her stove. DH got hold of her next door neighbor and got the stove back on. The same day, within minutes of her call. Still mad!!! Also he got the CG to get the lawnmower going as he also had disabled that. She. Has. Been. Mad. About. This. For. Almost. 3. Weeks. She won’t let it go. She was very rude to me as I tried to help her with her birthday meal and her youngest son witnessed how mean she was to me on two separate occasions. I have decided to step back for my own sanity and health. She stresses me out. She claims when we left we left her without any food!!!! I give up!!!! Not true as I stopped by the morning we left with a bag of food from our house that would bless her.

Thankfully we returned with a whiteboard and decided to use it as a communication board for her. Appointments, family or friends visits to town, that type of thing so she doesn’t feel like she’s out of the loop, so she can see what to expect. She is now telling the CG that she wants to “go home” which is her language of saying she wants to die. She thinks we think we’re better than her and are supposed to be Christian yet we are treating her badly and that we think we are perfect because we go to church. No. We don’t. She hopes a heart attack takes her. Even at my Dr appointment this afternoon she told me to take care of myself. I just cannot be around her for now. It’s too draining. My DH understands and for that I am thankful.

End of vent😔

H1235 · July 31

At some point I realized that mom is just not going to be happy. It’s heartbreaking and sad. Safety needs to drive decisions! Disabling the stove and lawnmower were done to keep her safe. She is not thinking rationally so allowing her anger to convince you to get them working again is not in her best interest imho. She is not able to make sound logical decisions. My moms logic was if she could push her walker there was no reason she couldn’t push her lawnmower. In my opinion you need to make the decision to do what is best for her and not worry about her getting mad about it. Because to be honest she is always going to be mad about something, she is loosing all her independence. I’m sorry I know that sound harsh, but it’s what dementia is doing to her that is making her angry, you and your husband are just taking all the blame. I’ve attached a staging tool. If you look closely you will notice it gives a rough age equivalent at each stage. If she is receiving hospice I assume she is in a later stage.

https://static1.squarespace.com/static/6372d16ea4e02c7ce64425b7/t/63f7b80d80d8aa3e3aa4a47d/1677178894184/DBAT.pdf

If you think of things in terms of her mental capacity age maybe that would that help put things into perspective. You wouldn’t let a young child use the stove unsupervised… Even if they get angry and mad about it you have to do what is best for them.

As a side note we tried writing things on a whiteboard and on a calendar, neither worked. She didn’t know what day of the week it was so it did no good.

I hope there is something here you can find helpful.

psg712 · July 31

Agree with the above. Also concerned - who is checking on her to be sure she eats, takes meds correctly, isn't being scammed, hasn't left water running? Her angry attitude towards you is hurtful but I am thinking she is also scared as you move away. Who does she know how to call if she needs immediate help? I get it that you need some distance - caring for a PWD is indeed draining, as you describe - but she sounds unable to function safely alone.

Daisie · July 31

I agree with everything that's been said. Depending on what stage she's in, it may be hard to get her to remember to look at the whiteboard or read a calendar. I have THREE of each in a tiny apartment and she'll still call me when she can figure out how to use the phone and wonder where I am when I run to the store. She also has trouble with reading the clock and she doesn't know what year it is or who's president, let alone the day or month. She constantly thinks it's going on winter! Not trying to be Debbie Downer (wha whaaaa), but it's a reality in my world. I've done everything the speech therapist suggested and none of it works.

housefinch · July 31

sounds like she needs a higher level of supervision and everyone would benefit from some dementia education

Bebobra · August 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217583#Comment_217583

Thank you.

Just venting and appreciate your comments. Everything you stated I agree with. While we were out of State there were other close family friends along with neighbors who were checking in on her closely. You’ve nailed it with the whiteboard, she continues to ask questions that have been addressed already on it. Yes the DBAT is a great staging tool. She is still able to dress herself, toilet and shower. I think she is at mid stage 5-6. DH isn’t at the point of wanting to place her in a MCF so I go with the flow. If she was my mother she would already be in one as she cannot live alone. We along with the CG are scaffolding for sure.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217596#Comment_217596

Thank you.

Family friends were checking on her throughout the day with a close friend checking on her twice, after the CG left and again before the night pills were required. Then in between that time DH’s employee would swing by and spend time with her before her close friends came by and cooked and had dinner with her.

I totally agree with you about her function level alone, my DH is not on the same page so my hands are tied. She really needs to be in a MCF yesterday.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217633#Comment_217633

Thank you.

She never uses a calendar and the whiteboard has made no difference. Apparently it has to be pointed to even when it is in a place she cannot miss it.

It is a hard place to be knowing that she doesn’t know the day of the week, year or season. I know this too is true of my MIL.

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217645#Comment_217645

Thank you.

Yes. She does. I’m the only one who has researched and reached out even to Dr Tam Cummings as everyone else in the family isn’t interested. I want to know what she is going through and try to help. I truly want to be a blessing and not a hindrance to my MIL. You’re absolutely right. Education is key. I have read and listened to various webinars as well as read and re-read “The 36 hour day” and to me it’s incredible how you can see the decline of someone clearly, yet others don’t. So you’re left doing what you’re doing even when you’re not in agreement with what the plan is.

I appreciate your words.

housefinch · August 1

@Bebobra I hope I didn’t sound harsh! I have had to watch someone postpone appropriate supervision and insist a PWD had abilities he clearly no longer had. It is very difficult and made me question my own judgment often. It sounds like you know the reality even if others can’t or won’t see it. Hugs coming your way.

H1235 · August 1

It sounds like you are in a very difficult situation. I understand not wanting to cause problems with your DH by pushing too much. My DH family let my mil drive much longer than was safe. When his siblings wanted to take mil out of state for a funeral he did not stand up to them even believing it was not good for her. I bit my tongue and kept my mouth shut, it was hard. Now that I’m going through this with my mom and having to deal with my brother, I understand a bit more the need to maintain peace with siblings. Mom’s doctor was helpful in getting my brother to wake up. Maybe suggesting they seek the doctors opinion on some of this would be helpful(if she has the right doctor).

Bebobra · August 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217677#Comment_217677

Thank you. Not at all!!!! No way! You were not harsh! Your words were confirmation of what I already knew.

Thanks for the hugs🤓

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217699#Comment_217699

Thank you.

It is difficult. I am just going with the flow yet at times when I try to communicate certain things to my DH and BIL, it isn’t received well, so I choose to stay quiet mostly and let them decide. Being the one who is mostly with her I can see the need moreso than they can.

The next step I have researched and even called and spoken to, is an Adult Day Services director, one they both agree with. I think socializing with others will help her depression or perhaps it won’t. I know that when her dear friends were here before we left for out of State, she was so thrilled to see them and even had a pep in her step we hadn’t seen for a long time. All she does is stay home, watch telly, play her spider solitaire game on her laptop or lay on the couch.

Her being under hospice has effectively removed her from whom we deem an incompetent doctor, who kept prescribing her drugs she should have only been on for a short time and was on for years. Then to learn she has stage 3 kidney disease, was the last straw! We’re thankful she no longer sees him although the sun shines from his bottom as she sees it! So for now I don’t rock the boat.

Just venting

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