Taking a car away

Adresch · August 3

My mother, 89 yo was dx 1 1/2 years ago and progressing to moderate has not had a valid DL for 10 months -suspended not revoked. CA leaves people in limbo- but her insurance was still covering her until this month. We have been working on trying to get her to understand and be open… well we took the car away and left her with a list of resources. She lives out of state has become very hostile to us and in denial.

We have engaged her neighbor who has been helpful and trying to engage her friends but they also think we are evil. This process is so lonely and heartbreaking and so hard. In my gut I know this was the right thing and only option but wish for her to be different. She’s always been a really tough person but now it’s so much worse.
how have others felt taking this step? And dealt with the “what now” issues?

M1 · August 3

Welcome to the forum. Wishing for her to be different isn't going to help. Educate yourself about anosognosia: she's not in denial, the truly cannot perceive that anything is wrong, and you are not going to convince her otherwise, but you are going to have to take further steps to keep her safe. This is not a static disease. I would worry very much that her days of being able to live independently are long over, and you need to get ready for that. Do you hold power of attorney for her? If not, you need to try to get it asap—talk to a certified elder law attorney in her state—and you need to be thinking about next steps to get her to a safe and sustainable living situation. It's only going to get worse from here.

H1235 · August 3

You are not going to be able to reason with her. She is not capable! It will not work! Her brain is not working properly. It is very hard to accept, but her safety has to come before her happiness. For many with dementia at this stage even giving them what they want will not make them happy. It sound like she needs much more help than you are able to provide from a distance. I have attached a staging tool. Notice that at the end of each stage it give a rough age equivalent. I would recommend using this as your guide. Would a child with at her age equivalence be safe to live alone, fix their own meals, maintain a house, and handle money. There are a lot of scammers out there. She is very vulnerable and could loose everything. If you have DPOA it’s probably time to take the actions needed to keep her safe. You can not wait until you can convince her because it will never happen. As M1 said her ability to manage things is only going to get worse. Good luck

https://us.v-cdn.net/6037576/uploads/P65AY7V6EJWC/tam-cummings-llc-handouts-282-29.pdf

If you can’t get this to work it can be found is groups under new caregivers.

Adresch · August 3

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/217894#Comment_217894

I do have dopa/poa/ and I’ve taken over her finances . We are aware the time is coming for further care. It’s hard not having anyone as an ally nearby her. Im doung the best I can at the pace I think I can manage and she can manage.my hope is to get care in her home a couple days per week to start and I’ve given her a driver to contact. Her neighbor keeps an eye on her and helps with some updates.

psg712 · August 4

My mom was still living alone when we sold her car. She hadn't driven it in at least a year, when an ankle fracture gave her doctor a reason to tell her not to drive anymore. She was angry but complied. Even so, she kept the keys close by. I did not live nearby at that time and had to rely on others to keep an eye on her.

When we went to sell the car, we found it was barely driveable. Her dealer gave her $500 for it and basically sent it to the chop shop. She reacted worse to the disappearance of the car than to being told not to drive! She had good friends who took her where she needed to go, but she made a point of telling me each time that "Susie took me to the store BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CAR ANYMORE." I just said things like "I'm glad that Susie could take you" and didn't give a response to the statement about her car. Eventually she stopped talking about it.

She's in MC now. Owning and driving a car is a non issue. The progression of dementia is sad and hard, but for battles like this one, progression gives some relief. You and your mom will get there.

Taking a car away

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