A life well lived

Crushed · July 18

DW is 72 and has been on this road for 14 years . 7 years with me as 24/7/365 caretaker. 7 in a memory care facility, It is more than five years since she had the slightest idea who I was and has had little or no cognitive functioning for 4 years. She will swallow food put in her mouth and that is it. She has no other illnesses or conditions . I know she is gone, long gone and not coming back. The facility and private caretaker are excellent but expensive . we have the resources . We are facing the end stages with no idea how long it can last

We had a wonderful marriage and my memories of shared work, travel ,children and romantic encounters is very strong. But I was recently reminded of her social impact. There is an award in her name in her medical field and and the annual meeting was near my home. My two wonderful daughters presented the award. The winner graciously said DW was an inspiration to the field and her work benefits thousands every day. A few old timers mentioned that I had been the base for her Statute of Liberty, ironing her clothes at meetings , carrying equipment and watching the children. I felt a kind of closure. She is gone but not forgotten. She was and is well cared for . She would want me to be happy.

I hope these thoughts give others encouragement to keep putting one foot in front of the other day by day .

JJ401 · July 18

This is beautiful! You made me cry!

marier · July 18

Thank You so much for your post. I needed to hear "she would want be to be happy". So true. I know my DH would want me to be happy and live the best life I could. It helps easy the guilt I feel over the potential of placement.

trottingalong · July 18

A beautiful post.

ThisLife · July 18

Thank you for sharing such a beautiful tribute for both of you. It does give me hope that I can make it through to the other side. My DH has been gone 3 months.

Dio · July 18

Crushed, thanks for sharing! It's good to read uplifting, positive posts. You have been such an inspiration here as well.

Beachfan · July 18

Crushed,

Were it not for an undetected internal bleed that ended DH’s life, I am certain I would be where you are today. DH was long gone, but physically here for many years before he passed. Like your DW, there is a monetary award in DH’s name given annually to graduating HS baseball players. This year’s award went to a boy whose father played under DH many years ago. The recipient wrote me a thank you which read in part, “My dad always told me great stories about Coach S. and I wish that I was coached by him at some point in my life.” What a sweet sentiment of remembrance. Stay strong; I think about you often.

Phoenix1966 · July 18

I wish you peace and happiness, kept warm in life with those lovely memories. It’s more than many have, I know, but it is also never enough.

ButterflyWings · July 18

Beautiful. Thank you for sharing this, Crushed. And how wonderful to be reminded, and honored, for your partnership in the tremendous social impact that resulted from two lives well-lived — together. Well done!

Crushed, your influence and impact here have been far-reaching and you are so appreciated. I, for one, owe you a great deal - both for the practical legal insights you so generously shared here, and also just as an exemplary role model as I walk this Spouse/Caregiver road.

I wish you happiness, peace of mind, and newfound joy in any and every way possible. What an important reminder that the cornerstone, the foundation, is an essential part of the tallest tower. The combination is what makes the highest point even possible. Blessings to you both.

Karen711 · July 19

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/69929/a-life-well-lived

💕, thanks for sharing!

Victoriaredux · July 19

Crushed -

It's bittersweet but am glad you seem to have found some peace with the lousy lot we've all received.. You helped many here , so you've been helping folks to heal & accept also. Thank you.

White Crane · July 19

Thank you, Crushed.

AnderK · July 20

Not only a tribute to her, but also to you. I love that you were the base to her statue of liberty...

LadyTexan · July 20

Dear Crushed,

So beautiful. Such a lovely tribute to your wife and to you and to your wonderful daughters. Several lives well lived.

As others have mentioned, you have been a tremendous help to so many others here as you have travelled this difficult path. Including me. You inspired me and you provided guidance. I have survived.

I am sorry for the hand you were dealt when this horrid disease impacted you and your family. I am grateful that you have shared your experience, wisdom and strength. You have made the journey less difficult for others.

With love and tremendous gratitude,

LT

ghphotog · July 20

Thank you for you post! Even though my DW has only been in MC 5-6 months she still knows me but not really who I am or how she knows me but she says she loves me, so there's that. I visit most every day, many times out of guilt and other times because I miss her and have nothing else to do. She still wants to go home every single day but I have to remember her idea of "home" is not "our" house. She had been saying that for years even though she lived at home with me.

I know she would want me to be happy as well but really I'm the happiest when I'm with her but going through the drama of visiting every day is wearing on me to the point that I dread going but I love her and so I go. Would she want me to go on with my life? I think so but in her current state she can't communicate that.
If somebody else came along right now I'm not sure what I would do but I'm trying to accept the fact that may not happen. I don't have children of my own, well two dogs I care for. One goes with me just about everywhere I can take her depending on time of day.

CStrope · August 5

I haven't been on the message board for a while, just too much going on to be able to. But I was glad to see you're still hanging in there @Crushed . I feel the times I do come on it seems like there are so many new members, and those of us that have beenon here a while are dwindling.

staval · August 5

Iam new here and we are just starting our journey. We don’t have a diagnosis yet but I know. All of you scare me and impress me. Iam so worried about how I will cope with all this. Iam so scared.

mrahope · August 5

@staval, It's normal for us to be scared. I think it's an appropriate response to the many challenges we know we may face. Remember the old joke, "How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time."? This has seemed to be a similar experience for me. Please look into getting that diagnosis as best you can, and take care to build in financial and legal safeguards first. Many here recommend the book, "The 36 hour day", and it is really an almost encyclopedic look at dementia (all types ) for caregivers. Welcome to the place no one wants to be. There are some truly kind people here.

Crushed · August 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/218088#Comment_218088

23603-Bob-Marley-Quote-You-never-know-how-strong-you-are-until-being.jpg

marier · August 7

So true!

Crushed · October 15

Update

They have decided DW is eligible for hospice care. Not that her condition has changed. She still looks beautiful, and apart from the lack of any cognitive responses, she is healthy. Her food is yogurt consistency I made her key lime pie in little aluminum cupcake cups and she ate it happily. 50 years ago this month we told our parents we were getting married in 1975. Seems like yesterday.

Beachfan · October 15

My heart hurts for you. 🙏🏻

White Crane · October 15

Crushed, I think of you often. My heart hurts for you also.

Brenda

Donr · October 16

You have been a great caregiver! I wish you well in the last stage of this awful disease.

Dio · October 16

Hugs, just hugs…

A life well lived

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