The Move to ALF - missing anything?

mabelgirl · August 5

So we have decided on an ALF for my mom. She can’t afford it all on her own even with Medicaid so my siblings and I must make up the difference. I have laid out the finances and sent in an email to all of them. All but one has responded in agreement. The last one hasn’t taken my calls or texted back. I am proceeding regardless as we had all previously agreed it was best for her and all of us. I’m seeking feedback/advice on the move plan as I keep second guessing myself not only on plan but going through with the move.
My mom has been saying she can’t stand living with me and wants a place on her own, which of course can’t be, so ALf is next best thing. I am disappointed that I can not provide a safe place for her to live her remaining life out contently and don’t know if she will ever find contentment. It’s been a rough year with her and her doctor and I believe she’s entering late stage of dementia. Currently she stays in her room and complains to everyone how boring it is but then refuses to go anywhere. She is physically very healthy. She has seen the ALF and said she liked it. She’ll be in a companion unit with, thank goodness, a wall between the 2 bedrooms. She’ll have a shared small kitchenette and living room , large shared bathroom. She’ll have to go to dining hall to eat meals or go to the bistro anytime for snacks.

Am I expecting too much of her? She was assessed as needing lower level of care so I think I probably don’t see her full capabilities. Will staff really know if she’s eating or not? I am hoping with all I got that she’ll engage in the many activities.
Since the visit of the ALF , she has once brought up that she doesn’t want to be in a “old folks home”, still believing she can live alone. For this reason I am going to take the path others have suggested and tell her we are having water issues in my neighborhood and we’ll be without water thus she’ll need to stay at my sisters for a couple nights. My other sister and I will then set up and decorate her ALF room. Then we will tell her , her new place is ready and take her to the ALF. I am thinking we take her close to lunch time so once she gets a little settled we can hand off to the resident welcomer to take her to eat lunch. Should we stay longer than an hour with her ? She really has no concept of time these days.
As for finances, does anyone have shared sibling responsibilities for cost? If so how did you handle it? Legally my sister who has DPOA both medical and financial will be on the hook for payment. I’ve set it up so the ALF pulls payment from mom’s bank account, thus I am requesting my siblings just transfer money directly to her bank. As for the one of us who won’t respond with consent, I am going to play it by ear as mom does have enough saved for at least 3 months. Suggestions to handle? It’s not a great sum of money and if push came to shove I probably will fork it over for him.
My mom has anosognosia as most do. She is very nasty at times and accusatory when she can’t find her stuff. She’s on medication as she really gets agitated but it does not quell the paranoia when something can’t be found. She can’t accept she misplaced or forgot it. I am concerned she won’t be able to stay in a companion room if she’s nasty to her room mate. Has this happened to others and what did you do?

I know logically this is the best for her and me but my heart still hurts that she’ll be in a strange place with none of us under the same roof. Thanks in advance for your sage advice.

concerned_sister · August 5

First let me compliment you. I have a life rule, "Never allow someone else to cause me to fail." That came in to being when loaning money that I needed back, and the debt wasn't paid. But that rule comes in handy in other situations. I was automatically stressed for you when reading of the unresponsive sibling. But I was much relieved that you have gamed that out, and have a contingency planned so that mom's facility will get paid even if that person flakes out.

I'll let others with more experience chime in on the rest - I just wanted to share my "good job" on your planning.

M1 · August 5

Keep us posted how it goes. I think it's always worth word of caution about how soon she might need a higher level of care. If she really ends up needing memory care, are your siblings and you prepared for the higher costs? Best not to be taken by surprise.

Anonymousjpl123 · August 6

Mabelgirl I would say that you are doing right by your mom getting her care. As for the final sibling, I would assume they will not be able to participate in mom’s care.

As for her adjustment to ALF, you may be surprised. She may be able to manage quite well with the socializing and more activities. It may make her feel more independent than being at home.

with All of that said, m1 is right - there is the likelihood she will at some point need a higher level of care. You hope she won’t, and she may not, but it is worth planning for. There are ways to do that - start exploring skilled nursing places that accept Medicaid, etc.

Also, in terms of the roommate, it may actually help. My mom is about to be in the same situation in memory care. It’s nerve wracking! But you can only control what you can.

Trust and believe you are doing the right thing for your mom. She needs more than she can get at home right now. I wish you and your sister the very best on moving day.

mabelgirl · August 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/218121#Comment_218121

when she gets to MC level , I will have to move her to institutional care as I do believe for some of my siblings it will cause too much of a financial stress for them. The other option is to use what we’re all chipping in for in home care. I pray it’ll take some time to get to that point. The ALF reassess at 1 month and then every 3 months afterwards unless an obvious major shift. I understand there is no definitive timeline of progression. Thanks for feedback.

The Move to ALF - missing anything?

Comments

Commonly Used Abbreviations

Community Guidelines

Categories