Packing up to go home
I just put my DH in memory care yesterday. This morning the nurse said he had everything packed up to go home. She said he didn’t sleep all night and wouldn’t even take his clothes off last night. Now he’s crying today saying he doesn’t understand why he had to be there. I’ve been told not to go visit for at least a week. Have any of you experienced this with your loved ones and did they get past it?
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What you are describing is very very common. I dont think I have ever heard of a LO who did NOT acclimate. Follow the facility’s advice for now. When you do see him, have an explanation ready for him as to why he is there. Tell him whatever you expect he will believe….doctor is requiring it til ‘he is better’ and/or that there is work required at his home that prevents him going home…leak, furnace, air cond, fire, whatever +that you are working on getting it fixed.
My mother packed up every day for a couple months…ignore it. Dont unpack it for him, he will just do it again
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my partner still occasionally packs up after two and a half years. It’s better than it used to be. Follow the staffs advice.
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While you're staying away for a while, it might be less stressful not to call and ask. There's not much we can do to help in any case.
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@tryingtodurvive
This is unusual at all.
Dad was too lazy by nature to pack, but he did struggle to adjust for a couple of weeks. He cycled through angry threats and pathetic promises to behave; I'm not sure which was worse. He did settle before the month was out which was sooner than I would have anticipated.
HB
ETA: My friend's mom did the packing thing too. She started when she was living in her own home and continued when they moved in together. Mom, then 93, wanted to move back in with her own parents.0 -
Good point
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Also, don't worry if he doesn't change clothes. My partner stays in the same clothes all the time, we try to get her in clean things once or twice a week. So everything she wears is soft, like sweatpants etc. that are fine to sleep in or be out and about (not much of that any more).
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My heart goes out to you…
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My DH also tried to exit the facility (by pushing a chair up to an outside wall) but was observed and wouldn't have had the strength to climb out anyway. We were also told to avoid visits for a while and that worked for us. Have not heard of any further problems of this nature in the 3+ months he's been there. In fact, within weeks he would have long lists of things he wanted us to bring to MC for him. YMMV.
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My DH first night in memory care, he determined the doors were stuck and they were all locked in - he decided they needed to pull the fire alarms because the fire fighters could get them out. He had no idea of where he wanted to go, just that they needed to get out. After that, he had occasional bursts of trying to leave, but it was nothing like it had been at home, where he was constantly trying doors. There are enough places for him to walk and roam at the MC facility, including outdoor areas, that he seems much calmer. Much as I miss him and fear the expense, he is much more peaceful and the agitation and fear seems so much less than he was experiencing in our home. I think the placement has ended up being easier for him than for me!
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My DH lives at home with me, but, again this morning , as every day for the past week, he has packed the car with random items to take home. He gets up in the middle of the night and starts packing. He told me this morning he would "Hit the road" soon. I have the car keys, and asked him where he would go. He said Rhode Island! ( we live in RI) Where in RI? Cumberland! (we live in Cumberland) This morning, he is more agitated than usual, although we did go through some wild agitation in the evenings, that has calmed down. Just a side note, his sundowner episodes calmed down after following a suggestion I read here. Close all the blinds and turn on lights in every room before the sun sets. It worked! Now it seems to have moved to predawn! Any suggestions are welcome.
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My LO transitioned from respite care for two weeks into LTC/MC just one week ago. I didn't visit for first two weeks since I was gone. But since I returned, I have been visiting 5 out of 6 days. To bring my LO snacks, watch tv with him and keep him company. He has participated in a few activities without me being there and I will bring him to activities when I am visiting.
Yes its so difficult for my LO and myself. He has asked when we are getting outta here, I just said not yet. I will have to think of a reason why he can't go home yet. he hasn't become angry but I am waiting for it to happen.
The comment from someone that they have not known someone to NOT acclimate was very comforting.
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I've been telling my dh we'll go home when "they" clear him.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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