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New here and just feeling defeated and depressed and alone

Alone&Depressed
Alone&Depressed Member Posts: 5
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in Caring for a Parent
Hi I'm new here...I just feel so hopeless and depressed...My Mom was diagnosed 2 yrs ago with Alz...I've been taking turns with my sister going up home to take care of her..when I leave I feel so depressed and like I am abandoning her and can't wait to go back in another 3 months....no one understands...of course my sister does but my husband gets mad when I go and I just feel alone and depressed I don't know what to do...I hate this disease!

Comments

  • psg712
    psg712 Member Posts: 384
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    Jaded, you are definitely not alone. If you are reading this forum, you can see many people who are caring for loved ones with dementia.

    How far do you live from your mom? At some point it may be helpful to have her move close to (or move in with) either you or your sister. This is a marathon, and you will need to think about how long you and your sister can keep up the alternating visits. The fact that your husband is objecting to them points to the strain that caregiving can put on your other relationships.

    Look for some support for yourself. Check with the Alzheimers association hotline to see if they can connect you with support groups in your area. Seek out a counselor to help you with the depression you are feeling, and perhaps to work with both you and your husband as you weigh options for the future. If you have a faith community, seek support from people you trust there. This forum is also a great place for information and support.

    Just some ideas - do what works best for you. It's hard, and you deserve the support you need to care for your mom.

  • Alone&Depressed
    Alone&Depressed Member Posts: 5
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    edited August 15

    Thank you so much for your kind response. I live a few states away from Mom…we had to move her into assisted living last year when her bf passed suddenly. I can't move up unless I leave my husband and believe me it's a move I might have to take. I feel he's so selfish and it's all about him. He gets angry so fast and his temper scares me. My sister lives about 4 hrs from Mom but she works and I don't right now. So the bulk of the care is on me. I don't mind going up, in fact I need the break from here. I just got back 2 weeks ago and already can't wait to hit the road in Oct. My sister understands and is supportive but she lives far from me and we see each other crossing traveling to Mom's..she has a house we can stay at while taking care of Mom…I go in all day every day and take half a day on the weekend to see my Dad for a break. It's just heartbreaking to see her have trouble to try and complete a sentence…she still knows us and I'm the oldest so everyone feels she improves when I am up home…it's so much stress on me…but I love her so much and this disease is slowly taking her away from us…this last trip was extra hard I felt my heart stop when I took her to sit in the rocking chairs in front of the place she's at and she forgot how to sit down for a minute…I wanted to cry (and did in my car later) ….it's just so many things. I just get overwhelmed and thought maybe I could find someone to talk to on here who would totally understand. I don't feel so alone after reading others postings on here and ty again for reaching out to me ❤️

  • mabelgirl
    mabelgirl Member Posts: 229
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    Just wanted to also voice you are not alone in this journey of loss. It’s a slow painful path but can also provide jolts of happier times. My mom just moved to an ALF after living with me. I know she’s in good hands but I still feel like I stranded her in a strangers home. I remind myself that’s she’s being looked after with care.
    Please take care of yourself as it sounds as if you are escaping your own life to take care of your mom. It’s a challenge for certain but we have to work to balance the demands. You are just as important as your mom and reality is, the time is coming when your mom will be at rest and gone from this earth. What would your mom want for you and your life?
    Prayers for strength and peace.

  • Missy1966
    Missy1966 Member Posts: 1
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    edited August 15
  • Lucy C
    Lucy C Member Posts: 54
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    I'm a little more concerned by what you aren't saying than what you are saying. The drain of caring for any dementia patient is significant. That you'd rather do that than be at home speaks volumes about what your regular home situation is like. Your husband is behaving in ways that are classifiable as emotional abuse. I suggest speaking to a domestic violence counselor in the very near future, in order to discuss steps that you may need to protect yourself. Your husband may have a medical reason for his behavior, or another reason. He may need medical evaluation or counseling, but may not be willing to accept it. Regardless, if his rages are frightening you, the stress alone is negatively impacting your health, and the situation could easily escalate to physical abuse which endangers your safety. While you are caring for your mother, take a little time to ensure your own welfare. This is not easy, but it is vital.

    Best wishes, and God bless you.

  • Alone&Depressed
    Alone&Depressed Member Posts: 5
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219418#Comment_219418

    Thank you mabelgirl for your concern. I feel for you I know moving my Mom into the place was so hard and we had to rush the deal as her bf's family wanted her out asap…in a week after his death actually after she lived w/him for over 22 yrs…I was so hurt and devastated that his family did her that way amont other things I learned they tried to pull behind her back and knowing she has Alz..was a s*it show to say the very least. And the feeling you had of abandoning her…I felt the same and still do…every time i leave her I feel bad…esp knowing the time is precious and passing fast and she is only declining further each and every day. I aso remind myself she is being cared for when I am not there..but it's still hard and sometimes I question the care after being there for months at a time..I see who really cares and is in it for the right reason and the ones who are just in it for the money…I've seen too much…makes it way more stressful knowing some are not to be trusted in that facility.

    I feel for you and I send strength and peace back to you and ty so much for your kind words..it helps to know I am not alone and the personal home situation..I know I have to deal with that too…I def need the prayers. I also send prayers to you…sometimes I question that too…life is definitely a crazy messed up journey!!❤️

  • Alone&Depressed
    Alone&Depressed Member Posts: 5
    5 Care Reactions First Comment
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    Thank you Lucy for your concern as well. I have been in this situation for awhile now and thinking things will get better..he will mellow out…but it's not changed and i know I have to make a move. I don't need this stress on top of the stress about Mom. I have a friend who is willing to help me when the time is right. I don't think I am in danger, it's just an explosive personality and temper. More bark than bite, if that makes sense.

    But again, thank you! Sending hugs and appreciation your way❤️

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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