Where do We Go From Here

Bride of Buzz · August 16

I live in the east & my sister in the southwest. Our mother, 79, lives alone in the midwest. In May, she was diagnosed with Alzheimer's. The plan was to move her to my sister's place this fall; everyone agreed it was the best place for her to go. In June, my mother started changing for the worst. First, she unpacked everything we had packed to prep for the move, then she demanded everyone return the items she gave them and then the harassment started.

She is fixated on the idea that we, especially my BiL and nephews are stealing from her when she's sleeping. No one has been to her house in months. She spends most of her days sending profane, ugly and harassing texts and messages. Subsequently, most of her have blocked her because we are at our wit's end. When I threatened to shut her cell phone off for bullying, she switched to social media. Recently, my sister reported her for making threatening posts.

She usually will not talk to us and has threatened us with bodily harm if we come onto her property. There's a weapon in her house so we have, for now, agreed, to stand-down because no one is willing to take the chance of someone getting hurt. Since she keeps warning us that she's going to call the police to file charges, my sister has notified them that she has Alzheimer's.

We cannot sustain this position indefinitely. If she will not talk to or see anyone, how can we get her evaluated to see if she's incompetent. My sister has a POA, but we don't know if our mother has changed it (we hope she hasn't, but there's no way to know). My sister is also on her bank accounts. We have relatives in the town where she lives, but she's burned those bridges & they want nothing to do with her. She's always been hard to get along with, but this disease has amplified all of her negative personality traits 100%.

Is a social worker appropriate? Is there something we need to ask her doctor for? Being so far away with no local help is making a hard situation, harder.

Thank you

SusanB-dil · August 16

Hi - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

You just might have to get social services (adult protective services - the agency name varies by state) involved, and with a weapon in-house, the police may have to go with them as well. Or - you could tell her local police department what is happening and ask for a welfare check. (and I don't know if they could be authorized to bring her to the hospital at that point) Wondering if it may be a good idea that if a relative, or the sister with POA, could be there upon police arrival, and have her brought to geri-psych for evaluation. Get some meds to stabilize the aggression and outbursts.

Unfortunately, paranoia is common in a lot of PWDs.

It is good you are on the same page as sis. My brother and I are in agreement, but a lot of siblings are not. Your mom is blessed to have her family's concern and watching out for her. (even though we know she doesn't see it that way) ((hugs))

kblau · August 16

Oh jeez. I’m hoping someone more experienced will comment. I read your post and a few things came to mind. First, I believe there is an adult social services you can and should call. So yes, a social worker. Idk how familiar you are with the stages and symptoms of alz. But there are so many resources available here on behavioral issues and how to respond to them to not provide further agitation. Unfortunately, this is the disease. My mother too has harassed me with calls and with anger. But she’s safe in an assisted living (soon to be memory care) facility. I think that should be your goal for your mom. To get her into a facility and not your sisters house. But I understand legally you need to take steps to do that.

M1 · August 16

Welcome to the forum. Sounds like a very difficult situation but you're right, something has to give. It may need to involve Adult Protective Services, but they may question why you allowed her to keep access to a weapon.

honestly it sounds like she needs to be hospitalized and medicated, then moved to memory care from the hospital. The fact that she is threatening you all is plenty of justification. But it will take a prolonged visit from one or both of you, p!us emergency services, to make that happen. Whether you can physically relocate her to your sister's town she is more settled remains to be seen. Id start with finding out what hospitals near her have geriatric psych units.

Quilting brings calm · August 16

If no one has POA, or the POA doesn’t want to act, you may have to go the guardianship route. Which involves the court.

I would at least try the Geri-psych route when without a POA. You call the police when she is threatening ( even over the phone) and you tell them she is a danger to herself or others. Do tell them she has dementia so they are prepared for her behavior ahead of time. I had to report my sister ( no dementia, but other mental issues) long distance as a danger to herself. She told me over the phone she was hitting herself on the leg with a knife. The police convinced her to go to the hospital for a 3 day psych hold.

eaglemom · August 17

First off I'm sorry that this is happening to all of you. Yes the distance is an issue, but even if you were there the very same thing would be happening.

Clearly your mother is needing help and further diagnosis. Do you know if you or your sister are listed on her records at the PCP / neurologist? If yes, call them and have a long detailed conversation with the nurse. Share exactly what is happening as ask for help from them. You can also get on patient portals and leave messages.

What about your mom's finances? I'm glad your sister is on her accounts. Make certain she is checking the balance. Are the bills are being paid, etc? My huge concern is the weapon. Let's hope she's forgotten where it is, or how to use it, if someone comes on her property. Somehow that needs to be removed - and I realize you both don't live there and I'm certain are equally concerned about it.

It really seems as though Adult Protective Services might be a good call to make on Monday morning. Share your concerns and fears and see what they have to say. Do not engage with your mom's emails, etc. That serves no purpose other that upsetting you. If she's switched to social media, block her.

Take a deep breath, its difficult to see a parent acting this way. It's difficult when they aren't behaving like they used to, its hard. We all get it. We are here to help you through the journey no one wants to be on.

eagle

Bride of Buzz · August 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219561#Comment_219561

Thank you for the insight. We are not close and I had not seen her in probably 11 years prior to my spring visit. My sister sees her a few times a year. Our latest visits were a few weeks apart; she seemed relatively stable (albeit slightly forgetful) so neither of us were expecting such a rapid deterioration in her condition once my sister left. Since my sister is authorized to talk to her doctor, she is going to call them Monday, then Adult Protective Services.

Bride of Buzz · August 17

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/219557#Comment_219557

thank you so much

mabelgirl · August 18

APS has after hours on call numbers if need be. With a gun in the house you must be not only concerned for your mom but innocent people that may come to her house.
Your mother sounds a lot like my mom in her attitude and probably also has anosognosia which makes it oh so difficult. My mom lived with me just a year and she daily woke up yelling I was stealing her money. She made up all kinds of stories when she couldn’t find something of how I used contraptions and the like to take her stuff. She even told me more than once I should have died instead of the baby that was still born. She’s never been the beaver clever type mom either and without the filter in her brain working she can be especially mean. It’s hard to not take those words to heart but keep reminding yourself the brain is broken but the lips aren’t! Do what you must to protect your own self and I would not recommend move her into your homes. As the caretaker the meanest gets directed right at them. It happened to me and before that ever other sibling she lived with. We’ve moved her to assisted living just this past week. It’s what we’ve determined to be best for the family not just her. Please consider the importance of each other in your journey.
Prayers for strength and peace of mind for your family.

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