Any advice on potty issues?

Smilinpj · August 26

I am caregiver to both my parents right now, my mom with AD and Dad with D. Dealing with Dad yelling at mom because he can't remember that she can't remember. She is to the point where she tries to pretend she understands what you say, but literally understands next to nothing of what you say. And Dad forgets things and on a rare, recent day thought he was late delivering newspapers, which is a job he did when he was a boy. My biggest (latest) hurdle is mom starting to have fecal incontinence. 3 times in the last two weeks we have had the most disgusting bathroom disasters. The biggest problem is that she goes potty on her own. But when a problem arises she doesn't realize it's a problem. She is covered in it, as is the bathroom. I try and check in on her, but I am not right there every time she goes. And even if I was, where do you begin when someone is trying to pull down a pull-up full of crap? It goes everywhere - I can't get gloves on fast enough to catch or stop her. I seriously need some suggestions from people who have had to deal with this. If she was in bed, it would make sense, changing her like a toddler. But this, ugh. To get totally disgusting with you, during the night last night she must have had an explosion. It was all over the toilet, floor, cupboards, and dried on. But I could see her finger marks through it all. It was next to impossible to get her back into the bathroom to scrub her hands and nails after cleaning up in there. I have yet to get her back in there to clean her backside and legs as I was waiting for the floor to dry and she just fell asleep in her chair. I worry she's going to get sick and I end up in tears trying to clean it all. I tell myself to 'man up' and you can deal with this, but sometimes I feel like I'm just falling apart. (((sigh)))

Exhausted2022 · August 26

You don't need to 'man up'. This is too much for any of us. Too much. I too feel like I am just falling apart. Actually, I am falling apart. And that is not ok. At some point I have to say 'enough is enough'. I have reached that point. Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you find answers that work for you.

harshedbuzz · August 26

Sadly, it sounds like your mom has reached a stage where she needs supervision in the bathroom every single time she goes 24/7. Right there, "In the Room Where it Happens", as they say. Since it doesn't sound like your dad is capable of managing this task, it will probably fall to you or aides you hire to supervise her to get some respite for yourself.

If she's undressing to get out of a soiled undergarment, using one piece clothing that prevents removal without assistance might contain that aspect of the mess or limit the size of the debris field.

This sort of situation is why incontinence care is often the straw the breaks the caregiver's back.

HB

sandwichone123 · August 27

What you need is shifts and days off. Unfortunately, most families don't have enough people with enough time to do that—you need 3 shifts a day, 7 days a week, so 21 shifts a week—twice that if you need two people to do the job. Each person can work five shifts a week. Four to eight people willing to take on a full-time unpaid job are rare in a family, and that's why people need to be placed at a certain point.

Lucy C · August 27

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/220654#Comment_220654

HB has a good suggestion—here's a link to at least one product. Scroll down to #4, which is designed for women, and see if you think it may work for your mom. I have heard of patients getting frustrated and tearing at the clothes initially, but it sounds like they usually settle in sooner than later, and it does, as mentioned, "limit the debris field" (love that phrase).

https://alzheimerslab.com/best-onesies-for-dementia-patients/

Smilinpj · August 27

Thank you all so much for answering.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do right now. My parents are financially ok, but keeping them together has been our priority (and my dad's insistence). They have never been apart with the exception of a hunting trip when I was young - 68 years!

I had to quit my job to start this job, I guess I just didn't realize how all encompassing it would be - I can only leave when my husband comes home, and then it's just quick shopping trips. I mean, I sleep with one eye open until I'm so tired I probably just sleep through things! LOL I hear her up and going to the bathroom up to 6 times a night sometimes. I'm sure I sleep through some. I am going to have to purchase one of those bed alarms eventually.

I saw the onsie….my mom was always so prim and proper, and she is adamant about her clothes. Putting that on her would be like wrangling a sheep. I think the angry in her could come out of that. I think a good portion of my emotions comes knowing how much the woman she was would absolutely despise living like this.

And then of course, I laugh ((eventually)) looking back at me, gloved and desperate to clean the bathroom while she leans on the sink loudly singing, "La la la!" as I am behind her in tears. Just thinking about HOW to find someone else to cover, how much time to cover. Trusting that someone could be awake all night to be there for her potty trips. I guess I don't feel like I'm quite there, but I also have a feeling I will be back to read the ideas you guys put forth as I get nearer to pulling the proverbial trigger - to help save myself.

Thank you Thank you Thank you.

harshedbuzz · August 28

@Smilinpj

One of the hardest parts of dementia was watching my formerly fastidious dad turn into a cryptid. I recall dad as a guy who showered 2-3 times a day with changes of clothes from work to golf to dinners out. It got to the point where he'd wear the same food encrusted shirt for a week and once shaved off half his beard before losing interest.

IMO, the Buck and Buck outfits designed to look more like a match Alfred Dunner ensemble might be more palatable

Back-Zip Jumpsuits - Jumpsuits - Women's Clothing Adaptive Clothing for Seniors, Disabled & Elderly Care (buckandbuck.com)

HB

M1 · August 28

Here's another thought, check her medicines for anything that could be causing frequent stools. This includes Aricept and Namenda, as well as ACE inhibitors for blood pressure (not common, but not rare either).

Smilinpj · August 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/220885#Comment_220885

Thank you! Those would be much more palatable to my mom, however her biggest issue is that she is always, with the exception of 95 degrees and sitting outside, cold. She will not and has not showered in forever. A nurse got her to once when she was first living in my home, but then she was cold and wet and now refuses, adamantly. LOL The only one that I think might work eventually is the overalls (although she will still absolutely hate them but might be beyond expressing that when I change her) because it allows the shirt to stay on alleviating the cold breeze of AC or air. So much to do and think about. I'm now thinking of putting a camera in the bathroom (minus sound!), that way if I know she's fine and just peeing, we're ok, but if it's something else I could be there faster.

Smilinpj · August 28

Thank you for this suggestion. I know meds can be a big problem - and they have in the past, but now they have taken her off of almost everything (heart related). The only thing she's on now besides some vitamins is Memantine, acetaminophen and baby aspirin. The nurses always are surprised both she and dad aren't on many meds.

Any advice on potty issues?

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