Behavior: Dangerous, harmless and something in between

dancsfo · August 26

When I see a PWD attempt something dangerous, I put a stop to it, even if it results in some agitation or disagreement. For example, despite my best efforts, a PWD can attempt to jam a fork into a live electric toaster to pull bread out. So I can't "live in their world" in this case and sometimes I can't spend every single second with PWD to avoid these problems. If I see it, I just put a stop to it.

At the other end there's just stuff that's harmless such as dumping and sorting the recycling bin for no apparent reason. In that case, I let it go. It's irritating if it happens just after I set out some hot soup, and by the time PWD realizes, the soup's all cold. It avoids agitation and confrontation.

It's the in-between items that's difficult to deal with, What if I see a PWD try to do something that's bound to fail, will cause confusion or frustration, such as looking for something that's not obviously there or I hid it intentionally. If I let it go on, PWD can get upset for failing, say "I wish I was dead" and get upset if I try to intervene.

I try to distract or redirect before the problem snowballs, but it may not work. But I can't stop everything that's odd, and there's a recommendation to let a PWD "live in their world". I think distraction is all I can do. Anyone have suggestions on what works?

terei · August 26

You can only do your best. It sounds like you are handling things very well. If something doesnt work, it’s not your fault. Comments such as ‘I wish I was dead’ I used to answer with ‘I am here for you’

dancsfo · August 26

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/220674#Comment_220674

Thanks for supporting what I'm trying to do. I agree with the reassuring "I am here for you" answer. I will try that.

HollyBerry · August 27

Thanks for "I'm here for you." I need to remember that one.

For those in-between times when you'd really like to avoid a problem, try "have you got this, or can I give you a suggestion?" When you offer two choices, people tend to take the second one, whatever it is — so put the "can I give you a suggestion?" part last. Frame your suggestion in the form of a question or an anecdote - "last time I tried to fill the birdfeeder, I used the red mug and I only spilled a tiny bit." Sometimes I get "I'll figure it out" as a response and then I try to shut up and wait. When they finally ask for help, blame external factors or the body, not the brain - "sure, I can help you open that bag, they really make these things hard to get into." "It's not fair that you've got so much arthritis in your hands. You'd think they'd have a cure for that by now!"

I also ask myself, "need to help, or nice to help? what will happen if I do nothing?" The birdseed spills in the garage; we already have mice, I can sweep it up later, that's simpler than getting annoyed and I don't have to listen to "it's always MY fault, you always blame me for everything" (well, yeah, I was in my office working and you decided to feed the birds again).

Humor can work as a distraction if it's handled right. Re birdfeeder - "the time before, I tried to fill it with the green scoop and I ended up with birdseed EVERYWHERE!!! It was a FEAST DAY for the CHIPMUNKS!! I swear they sent out invitations to their out of town relatives!" Try to get them to laugh with you (or laugh at you, if needed) - just don't put either of you in a position to laugh AT them.

dancsfo · August 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/220788#Comment_220788

Thanks for your suggestions. I wasn't aware that the second of two choices gets picked more often. For caregivers, we'll take whatever that works!

Behavior: Dangerous, harmless and something in between

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