Caregiving has isolated me. Age 35 and burnt out

yearofthedragon · August 31

I am burnt out caregiving my mom with dementia. It wouldnt be so bad if I had community where I live— We recently moved to las vegas area to be near my sister so she could help out with mom too (I used to live in California). However me and my mom know no one here and its been very strange having no community or friends for so many years. I have been putting off my career to help my mom and I'm noticing that no one else does that. Can anyone relate to me or have helpful advice?

M1 · August 31

Is putting her in memory care feasible financially? I can't imagine your mother would want you to sacrifice your young adult years to taking care of her. What does your sister say about all this, and have you talked to a lawyer? Who holds power of attorney?

There will be a way out, but it may involve some pain and change for all of you.

sunnydove · August 31

Being a caregiver is the loneliest assignment. I moved away from the life I had created, my home and friends, to come back to care for my parents. My father passed away years later. I was able to continue working for awhile but had to give that up over 3 years ago as Mom's care became 24/7. After I stopped working, slowly but surely all my coworkers stopped checking in. And now that Mom is in early stage 7 and hardly talks at all, there are days when I don't hear anyone talk to me. No one calls my name or says, "I love you" or even "hello." I literally have not been hugged in months. I never thought when I stepped in to help that I'd still be here 9 years later.

It's an incredibly isolating and depressing existence. I'm sorry you're dealing with the same thing. Sending you virtual hugs and understanding.

mabelgirl · September 1

It pains me to read post like this, to be so young and sacrificing your life for one that is gone in spirit but here physically. Actually anyone of any age. My mom has dementia. The physical body that is there does not possess the spirit of the woman I know. There are still moments where we know the whole person but more and more it’s less present. You should read some posts of grief on this site and it may help you come to grips that our LO are very slowly dying. Then ask yourself what does she need to make her time remaining as comfortable as possible? Realizing it could be many more years. Are you the only answer to that? Does your life have value? I am a firm believer that whatever avenue we take to care for our LO it must be what is in the best interest of the family, not just one member. It could mean a home with good care or aides at the house to let you work and socialize or day center for mom and part time aides. Exhaust all the resources available to your family with the goal of having mom taken care of and you to have a life. Prayers for wisdom.

not easy · September 1

I feel your pain. My 90 year old mom has vascular dementia. I never know day to day who she will be. I feel I'm doing what is best for her, but I really don't know anymore. I have some support from my spouse, and from our aide, (total 18 hrs pw) but the aide is here on days when I must be in the office. Limited help from siblings, they live southwest, we're in mideast. Trying to figure a way to maintain some self-care and not feel distressed all of the time.

sandwichone123 · September 1

I would never suggest that a young person give up their career to care for an aging parent, especially one with dementia. Even as an older spouse I was not willing to be a full-time caregiver, emerging out of the other side with no current experience and no industry contacts. Put on your own oxygen mask first. Nothing that you do for your parent will help in the long run, but it will damage your prospects and even your social security if you miss enough years of work.

livefree2 · September 1

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221355#Comment_221355

“ I am a firm believer that whatever avenue we take to care for our LO it must be what is in the best interest of the family, not just one member.” Great advice mabelgirl. So many people neglect their own lives/needs when caring for a LO with dementia.

Lucy C · September 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70487/caregiving-has-isolated-me-age-35-and-burnt-out

It's not unheard of to put a career on hold while caregiving for a parent or meeting other special family needs. That said, your burnout is the bigger concern. It sounds to me like you could use some respite care. Does your mom have any insurance or assets to pay for day care at least a few days a week, or hire a caregiver for some shifts? You need time to engage with the community around you, even if it means hiring a sitter while you go and take a local art class, or join an activity group with an appealing focus.

AnikaC · September 2

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/70487/caregiving-has-isolated-me-age-35-and-burnt-out

I am 30 feeling the same way. I was planning on starting my family and that is now no longer feasible. All my finances go to my mom’s care, my siblings are not present and me partner decided to leave as he could not manage my stress. This is a lonely job, my only help is that work provide free counseling and that has been keeping me sane.

My advice, I don’t know if you can try any online work focused around your skills so you can make some income and then get some paid help to give you back some time for yourself.

yearofthedragon · September 4

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221339#Comment_221339

Thank you everyone for your caring comments. And M1— Yes, my mom is actually on the waiting list of a memory care facility and we are waiting for them to have an opening, hopefully soon. My sister and I made sure we have POA. Memory care is expensive and my mom luckily saved enough money in her life that will pay for a few years of memory care (ofcourse my mom doesn't know she will be moving to memory care, hopefully God or the universe will be on our side and make the transition easy as possible…)— scary that after a certain amount of years we will have to sell our house to keep paying for memory care though. I have been jobless and penniless on my own because I caregave both of my parents for so long…. I really have to hope the universe is on my side and I can figure some way to make money for myself while not sacrificing my happiness once my mom is in memory care. I am an artist and would ideally like to be paid for my artistic gifts, but it's a random and unknowable road and I have a harder time than the average person working a job where I feel like I am betraying myself and draining myself. Anyways, Thank you all again for your helpful words and care.

yearofthedragon · September 4

Thank you for this tip and I'm really sorry you're on the same boat as me but at least we are not the only ones experiencing this right now. I am really glad that your workplace offers free therapy.. That is huge. Therapy is so necessary during a time like this.

oomlotte · September 6

I just wanted to say that you are not alone. I am really burned out and terrified by the idea that this could carry on for many more years. The most startling thing is how isolating this is. Even the people who are supposed to help are distant, it feels. Maybe its just the desperation for things to be different or better somehow that makes it feel that way.

Caregiving has isolated me. Age 35 and burnt out

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