Anger - not new but becoming absolutely untenable...

Fair warning: This is just a ramble and not particularly well written but I am desperate.

My husband is hovering somewhere between the late early and early middle stage of Alzheimer's I'm guessing. I've seen everything from 3 to 7 stages or more of this agonizing disease and, frankly, I'm not sure the stage matters as there are so many different ways this illness manifests itself among so many people. He is able to care for himself and still does things like his own laundry and loading the dishwasher. Believe it or not he still drives but less so as I insist on driving most of the time. With our most recent visit with his neurologist it was recommended that he take a test to determine if he could remain driving which he refuses. He can't handle money as numbers are beyond his comprehension. That, in and of itself, is a tragedy for him as he always prided himself on how he dealt with the finances. But I manage everything else for him and for our household. I'm essentially doing everything and I mean everything other than the dishes and his laundry.

As try to explain about all the little things that are slipping away that you all already know about from your own experiences, it is really his anger I am having such a hard time with. His anger borders on emotional abuse. Actually it is emotional abuse but for his diagnosis. We have a 31 year history of a tumultuous marriage but never like this. Also, I've come to realize (through my own therapy during the last 10 years) that he is a very controlling man. So, I suppose it can't be a surprise that his anger has grown as he loses control of so much. But it is nasty and frightening. I don't think he would ever hurt me but he has tried to take my phone away or my computer away. I've actually called the police on him twice — not because of fear of physical abuse — but more because I needed someone with more (in his eyes) authority than I to tell him he had to leave me alone, could't follow me from room to room, had to give me space if I asked for it. This, after several nights sleeping in the bathroom with the door locked. I've gone out to get away several times now just for my own preservation.

And I feel stuck. I am 70 years old and I don't want to waste my precious time. I just finished with a serious bout of uterine cancer myself and I'm lucky to feel so good now. Insofar as being a caregiver, I do everything that has been recommended among the many organizations and publications and notifications about caregiver self care. And, my husband is on meds for his behavior that is monitored carefully by a psychiatrist. He even sees a counselor every other week though the therapist has no experience with dementia patients and appears more like "rent a friend." He lacks any socialization which is really unfortunate as he always loved being among people but I cannot get him to try and meet any "new" people. I've tried our having dinner with acquaintances of mine I know through the charitable organizations I am involved with. That was a failure. I don't try anymore. I tried to encourage him to get involved with senior activities but in his mind that is not him yet. He is 73 and thinks everyone else is far older than he. Tried getting him involved with an MCI group that we could participate in = no interest. What makes this even more difficult is he has no hobbies or interests - never developed any. The only thing he did for most of his life was work.

Also, my husband has had a series of losses in the past years that I am not insensitive to: fired from his job and he is the kind of person who was truly defined by a career; running which had to stop as he fell twice a few months ago and a year a half ago resulting in traumatic tooth loss requiring implants; and finally, the Alzheimer's diagnosis after 3 prior neurologists over the past few years telling him nothing was wrong though he knew otherwise.

I want to be more compassionate now with him but it is so hard to do with him just being so really awful with a screaming rage continually about everything both real and imagined (he insists I said things I never did). I shouldn't argue back with him but sometimes I do. Rational responses don't matter. He just gets angrier and he really just gets mean and loud and scary and unrelenting. He doesn't stop. He has intentionally woken me up to go on a rant.

What I am saying is I simply cannot handle this anymore. And there is no relief. I know there is someone on the forum who wrote a missive about how the cavalry is not coming to save anyone. So, what do I do, except - write this out of sheer despair and deep loneliness?