Feeling down

H1235 · September 4

Mom went to AL 4 months ago. I’m DPOA and have taken most of the blame. When we moved her we did not bring much to decorate her room. Two decorations broke in the move and my brother said he would fix them and bring them to her( he didn’t). My brother insisted she would just ask for what she wants to decorate. Big surprise that has not happened. The only thing she has said she wants is her kitchen table. It’s kind of big but we decided we would bring it to her. I told my brother to tell me when he is ready and I would help. Three weeks later and he still has not found the time. She constantly complains that she wants to be taken to her house so she can go through things (can’t happen). Her counselor mentioned that more personal items in her apartment might be good. I told my brother we need to make that happen now! She does not want me in her house and rooting through her things and has told me so many times. So if I bring her anything from her house she would be very angry. Im at her house regularly getting ready for and estate sale. I have had a pile of little things at her house to go to her but my brother has been to busy to bring them to her. I went to her house yesterday and spent hours finding things she might like to have. A jewelry box her dad made, fall decorations, nick nacks and a small box of pictures. My brother stopped by to pick things up and brought the empty collage picture frame with him he has been going to do since she moved in. I found pictures and got it all set. I meet him at moms. She was so happy with the things he had brought she was in tears. Had I brought things it would have not gone well. While I was there she snapped at me over everything. As we left my brother stopped in to say hi to the director. Mom and I were just a bit behind him. Mom saw him come out of the office and just smiled. She saw me in the director’s office one time and barely spoke with me for a week ( said I was talking about her behind her back). I go to extreme lengths to not be caught talking to staff. I do so much for her and she despises me, my brother avoids doing everything and yet he can do no wrong. I’m very happy she was excited about the things I picked out for her. I don’t need the credit, I just want to take care of her, but she won’t let me. It breaks my heart. Sorry I just thought sharing might help. I’m just wallowing in a bit of self pity and feeling sad.

SusanB-dil · September 4

uughh! Yes, that is a dilemma. Is there someone else you could get to help bring her those things?

My mom is nicer to me now that she thinks I'm her sister. Fortunately, my brother and I get along, and we are on the same page with her care. I see a lot where this is not the case. Brother has DPOA, and that is fine with me. Good that you have DPOA, as it seems your brother doesn't really want to be bothered much.

MIL and I got along beautifully - before 'this'. Now, she cannot figure out who this person is with her son, and can be downright nasty. DH is an only, so it is just us. So yes, I can relate to that sadness of trying to watch out for mom, and she doesn't see it that way.

Your mom is blessed to have you watching out for her, both physically and her emotional well-being.

M1 · September 4

I'm sorry for this. Gender discrimination is real and very unfortunate, but probably little you can do about it except name it and write it off to her generation. Rhinoceros skin is needed to make it through this process.

H1235 · September 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221823#Comment_221823

I was the person responsible for seasonal deco at mil AL. She was always so happy and appreciative when I brought things in. She never asked where they came from, never cared that I brought out of season things home. She thanked me and gave me a hug even when it got t the point were I don’t think she knew who I was. I just thought it would be like that with my own mom. Everyone with dementia is different!

H1235 · September 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221834#Comment_221834

I’m trying really hard with the thicker skin, but I’m a softy and I’m struggling. Thanks

Quilting brings calm · September 5

it’s not only gender discrimination- it’s the resentment that you are the DPOA and are therefore in control of her life. There is nothing you can do about that because you have to do what you have to do to keep her safe.

H1235 · September 5

It’s probably a bit of a lot of things. Gender discrimination is definitely a part of it. She told my brother that he could have everything in the garage that was dads. Their will says a simple 50/50 split. It’s frustrating to ask my brother if I can have something that was my dads. Not that I’m real worried about it, it’s more the principle. Then there is the DPOA thing. I am also a person that doesn’t sit around waiting for things to happen. If it had been up to my brother I she would have never been diagnosed and would probably still be living in her house. She see that as me being pushy. I have a strong need to take care of the people I love, she does not want to be taken care of. I don’t see my brother having that need. Family dynamic are complicated.

psg712 · September 6

Family dynamics...complicated is an understatement. But good for you for doing the necessary things to keep her safe.

SusanB-dil · September 7

@H1235 "Everyone with dementia is different!"

Yes - the saying is: "If you've met one person with dementia, you've met one person with dementia." That is so true. A lot of the trajectory of 'this' disease can be approximately the same, but the whole experiences and personalities are definitely not!!

Lucy C · September 7

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/221959#Comment_221959

It does sound like she's resenting you for the changes that have been forced into her life. Unfortunately, in many instances, Alzheimers is the great magnifier of small things, and it can lead the person to construct entirely false narratives about why things have happened and who is at fault. It does often lead to resentment and suspicion with little basis or none. (For all the memory breakdowns, it does seem like they are still particularly good at remembering that they're "mad" at somebody.) It's particularly unfortunate that in this case, you are the one receiving this unfair treatment, and your brother is not supportive.

It's possible that once you've done your best to make sure she has the things she wants, you will be better off to stop visiting. Go in, have necessary conversations with the staff if needs be, but don't avoid "being caught" talking to them, and don't try to see her. You can't remove her anger unless her memory decline accomplishes this in the future for you, and meanwhile you are causing yourself intense stress and grief trying to fight the disease which can't be fought on this level. Ask the staff to interview her and pass on her requests: take the things she wants to the facility, and have them give the items to her, and give yourself the respite and the self-care of not interacting with her.

I realize this seems counterintuitive when you want to give love and care, but banging your head on a brick wall won't help, and at this time, her resentment really is a brick wall.

Hugs and best wishes!

Anonymousjpl123 · September 8

@H1235 I am so sorry you are dealing with such complicated dynamics! I feel like especially in the earlier stages things were so hard and painful with my mom. For those who have an uncomplicated relationship with their loved one dementia is hard; for those with complicated relationships it can be brutal! I say do what you can to make sure your mom is cared for. Hopefully your brother can show some appreciation. But I wouldnt count on it. Do what feels right to you because you care for your mom, but know that she may not be able to appreciate it. She may, but the satisfaction may just be that you know you are doing the right thing. Don’t forget to hold on to your life as well. I am sorry you had to experience both MIL and mother with dementia, but glad you saw that it can be different, and her reaction doesnt reflect on you.

eaglemom · September 9

Saying you need to be thick skinned and getting there are two different things. Personally, I never got there. I just did a lot of mumbling under my breath! Not too mature, but it worked.

Since your brother did see the wonderful reaction your mom had, now maybe you can highly encourage him into visiting. It probably won't happen, but you can try.

eagle

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