DH diagnosed with Dementia

My DH often apologizes for being a burden. I tell him all of the time that we are in this together until death do us part.

My husband says the same thing. Pretty much daily he apologizes to me for marrying a younger woman. I’m 68 and he’s 80. I tell him every time not to apologize, that he would do the same for me and I have no regrets. I always reassure him he will always be here with me, even though I know that may not be so. My husband recognizes the fact his brain isn’t working right, but at the same time the word dementia is never spoken in this house, even if he asks me if he’s like his mom was. I do everything I can to relieve his stresses and that in itself can be stressful for me. I’m glad you found this forum. There are amazing people who offer a good ear and wonderful advice and support.

As others have said, it’s important for the PWD to feel loved and that’s the best you can do. Your responses sound spot on. It’s a tough journey but you’ve found a great place to connect with others of us who know what you’re going through.

M1, your post made me teary eyed and smile all at once. 😥🙂

Klindholm25,

It isn't easy, for sure. At first, after overcoming the dreaded and fearful anticipation of placement not going well, I was very at peace with the decision because I was fearful for my safety. After placement, I've got my freedom back and can sleep at night in peace! It was rather exhilarating. After 2 months or so, DH became apathetic, didn't want to partake in the activities, and just stayed in bed eyes wide open all day, didn't go to the dining hall unless prompted. What's worse, he turned violent. I was frozen with fear that he'd be evicted. Needless to say, placement wasn't the end all to my problems. He was placed in a private room instead of shared because he no longer was deemed safe with a roommate, which sent monthly costs sky high. But the worst was harming others. Fortunately, the MCF Director worked relentlessly to convince DH's neurologist to add/adjust meds. It took about 2 months for the combo cocktail to work, and a miracle happened: DH seems almost normal, back to his kind, sweet self. I I've been wracked with guilt ever since, wondering if I should bring him home. My family and online support group all responded with a resounding NOOOOOoooo, for they have seen or gone through my horrifying periods with DH. I also reread my journal entries to remind myself why I had to place him. The MCF provides free counseling once a month to family members and in these sessions, she suggested that I look at the facility as an extension of me, that the staff and facility are DH's complete caregiving team of professionals, that I am providing the best care possible for DH, and it's because I placed him there that he's able to get the right medications. She explained that the guilt I'm feeling is due to not properly processing grief for the loss of DH and my happy life, that I'm somehow punishing myself. Right now, I am struggling with not knowing how to process grief. But the guilt has lightened a bit. Hope what the therapist suggested to me will help you, too.

My husband is very aware he has Alzheimer’s, although he can’t always remember the word for it. He just says he’s ‘broken’, and asks me daily what’s wrong with him. (He also has probable Lewy Body, but doesn’t remember that conversation at the Neurologist office, and I have no intention of reminding him.) He too talks about being too much of a burden on me, is very afraid I will leave, and he will become homeless. All I can say to him is how much he is truly loved and wanted. There really are no set answers to this; you know your DH best and how he will respond to what you tell him. But as others have said above, you are in the right place, and you are not alone in this. I am relatively new here as well; I have learned to take counsel from those who are further along this path; they truly know of what they speak and are always sharing their experiences (good and bad). Hang in there!

Oh my! You are in the same situation as I…I finally found someone who shares what I am going through!! I feel less "isolated" now. What you wrote about being a widow with a spouse who is still alive definitely describes our situation. I am learning to live as a widow, to take care of things, but the emotional part needs to be resolved which is the hardest part.

> @LindaLouise said:
> Your feelings mirror mine so closely. I placed my 68 yo DH in May due to increasing agitation and aggression. The MC at first called almost daily due to difficult behavior, aggression toward other residents, and sent him to the ER due to being highly agitated. After a couple of months, increased anti anxiety meds and Seroquel, he calmed down, became cheerful and pleasant nearly all the time. I now wonder if I should bring him back home, but everyone says that he is only better because the MC is helping, he doesn't see me as his jailer and his nighttime wakefulness - still an issue - isn't resulting in neither of us sleeping. But - I still feel the guilt and also the loneliness. Even though it was so hard, I wasn't living alone and doing life as a single person, after 48 years together. For those of us who "lose" a spouse to MC and dementia - there is no outpouring of support, a fixed point in time where we lose our LO, or a way to process our grief. It is so odd, to be grieving the loss of my spouse and our marriage and relationship - but because he is still alive, no one reacts like they do when someone becomes a widow due to a spouse passing away. I don't feel like there is a blueprint for how we are supposed to process this grief - it is certainly different for us than people who lose their LO through almost any other disease or accident. However, all of us here get this and can help each other - this is really hard, and sad, but I hope and pray that we will all figure out how to move through the stages of grief. Those who are ahead of us on this path, please share how you found a way to process the grief. It seems like no one in the "non-dementia" world gets what we are going through…

Hi Bev and welcome. I'm glad the police got him home safely. I hope that's the last time he drives- taking away the car keys is very hard, but if he doesn't recognize you then he has no business behind the wheel.

If you look to the right under quick links and groups, there is one for new members with a lot of useful information including a good staging tool.