MC Facilities questions

@charley0419

I am the kid in this scenario, and I side with yours 100%.

Unless you are some sort of immortal from the Marvel Universe, you need a Plan B. Everybody does. I have a solid Plan B for my mom's care now. Things happen. You could be hit by a bus or have a debilitating fall. You could be one of the 1/3 of all caregivers who dies before their LO. Your wife could break a hip or have a stroke that propels her into late stage 6 by the end of the week. You need a solid plan B.

You typically include this sentiment "… short term and confused otherwise you wouldn’t know" in your posts. Given that your children have a strong sense of urgency around this issue, I suspect perhaps you have very loving eyes or don't realize the amount of scaffolding you do for your wife daily. If something happens to you, you will be asking them to scramble to put care into place for their mom while dealing with their own grief or setting up care for you.

When my mom was dithering on crafting a plan, I went behind her back and created one of my own. I had a SNF that was willing to take dad on-the-fly if mom died or became incapacitated where he would stay until I was able to transfer him to one of my top 3 MCFs. When it was time to place my dad; he was agitated and expressing murder-suicide ideation. Additionally, she was neglecting her own health needs— a choice that has impacted me greatly as the neglect means she can no longer drive. I had to have a CTJ with her threatening that if she wanted a say in where dad ended up, she couldn't leave it for me.

HB

Tell your children that there are things that can be done ahead…some that can not.

Please have your Health Directive, Durable Power of Attorney, Trusts etc all in place.

Plan B placement too but keep in mind that these facilities change quality with the wind.

For many facilities you can be put on the waiting list and stay there indefinitely, just letting them know when you want the actual room. My general philosophy is that when someone is wondering about care, it's time to start taking the tour. Find out what's out there. As QBC says health problems happen, and it's best not to add the emergency of her care to any health emergency you may have. Would she be safe home alone for a couple of weeks until you get back from the hospital? If that's not a comfortable scenario, it's a good time to find a replacement.

I agree with the above. How long are the waiting lists in your area. My mil was on one for a year before she could get in. Your kids are worried and they probably have busy lives. If something happens to you they will have a lot on their hands to deal with. Dementia is pretty ugly! You may not be able to keep her at home as long as you hoped. You might be prepared for loss of memory, helping her get dressed etc., but are you prepared for physical aggression anger and delusions? It’s just hard to know what to expect with dementia. I assume you have seen an elder law attorney to make sure one of you children can take over a DPOA if needed. Remember they just want what is best for their mom and dad because they love you.

Your kids are wise to plan ahead. Things can turn on a dime with dementia. Their condition can change suddenly (illness like covid, flu, UTI can suddenly accelerate dementia symptoms.) My father also thought mom was just pleasantly confused and nowhere near needing care, and then suddenly the incontinence phase of Alzheimers arrived and he hit a brick wall. He went from "we are years out from needing a facility" to "I can't go on, we have to move her now" and it was quite shocking. The physical demands of an incontinent adult were wearing him down fast, and I suspect we would have lost him first if he had tried to continue her care at home. Because of his resistance to planning for care and me being the sole back up if something happened to him and I had small children and a career at the time, I had done it on my own. I had toured memory care facilities and gotten her on wait lists at a few so this helped when we hit our crisis point. Yes you can get on some lists long before she is ready for care. Facilities won't bat an eye at that. They will call you when a room opens up and you just say no we aren't ready yet and they will go down their list and call you again next time. Figuring out your top choices for facilities, touring them and having that plan B that is turn-key ready is truly a good use of time, and some day you or your children will be incredibly grateful for it. It's actually a very loving thing to do for your wife and children. It's not always fun to think about worst case scenarios, but having a plan so that she will have the care she needs in an emergency is a loving thing to do for her. Even when they are early in the disease, they would still be incredibly vulnerable if suddenly their spouse/caregiver were gone and you have to consider that in the planning.

I agree with your kids , you need a plan. It sounds like my situation is similar to yours. My wife is in pretty good shape other than short term memory and loss of problem solving abilities. I am her caregiver. My biggest concern is her care if something happens to me.