Not my spouse, but I'm used to you guys.
My big brother, who has a diagnosis of MCI - amnestic type - got it into his brain that he needs to drive cross-country to visit his stepdaughter in Florida. This will be the end of October. She is due to have her second baby on October 10. No amount of reasoning will convince him that this isn't a good idea, naturally. So, I'm now planning to drive six hours to his house and then drive with him on the trip. I'm tired just thinking about it. I live in Albuquerque, he lives in Colorado Springs.
The neuropsychologist who diagnosed him in August told him to limit his driving and to never drive at night. He, of course, disagrees with this assessment.
Should I contact the motor vehicle department in his state? He lives alone and has total anosognosia.
Comments
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Would he be able to make plans for such a trip? Mapping the route, getting the car prepared for a long trip, packing, closing up the house? Does the daughter even want grandpa there 2-3 weeks after giving birth? I would keep telling him there are hurricanes in Florida.
Iris
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He can map the route. He's done it before. She loves him, but doesn't want to see him at that time. She's too overwhelmed with everything that's happening. We have told him this, but have had no impact. He has serious anosognosia and he is no longer capable of putting other's needs before his own.
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Plus, Amanda is having difficulty with her elderly biological father. He got remarried to a younger woman a couple of years ago. Apparently, the new wife had him stop taking his meds (he has Parkinson's), and she's trying to get him to re-write his will, naturally. So, poor Amanda has it coming from more than one direction.
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You would be better off going to his home + somehow disabling his vehicle instead of entertaining driving him to someone’s house who does not want him there. I honestly would attempt to have his care towed to a location + claim ignorance.
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I live a six hour drive from him. I frankly don't care if he gets mad at me. I want him to either move into a senior living facility in his city, or he can move here. If he moves to Albuquerque, I can chauffeur him around. But getting him here would be very difficult unless a court declares him to be incapacitated and names me as his guardian.
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Hi Elaine,
I don't have any suggestions; the others have posted some good ideas. But I sure hate that you have to deal with this again after years of caring for your husband. 😞
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My heart goes out to you and your brother. The STRESS of all this is exhausting. If the doctor told him to limit his driving, this would be a very dangerous trip for him to make. I would be worried about your safety, his safety, and the safety of others on the road. I hope you can come up with a solution to prevent this trip from happening. What a dilemma! Would his stepdaughter be willing to call him and tell him that a visit would not be possible at this time?
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She has talked to him extensively about this. He doesn't care. This is what she told me today:
Yeah..he even said “I know it’s not the best time for you, but it’s the best time for me.”
This seeming callousness is typical of dementia patients. They lose the ability to care about other's feelings because it taxes their brains too much.
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Ugh. He has no insight and no business going. At least it's a few weeks away, maybe time to come up with something to keep it from happening.
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I'm going to start out by calling Adult Protective Services first. He's a danger to himself, at least. I might call MVD in his state to report a possibly unsafe driver. I'll have to go down there and take charge. If he can't drive, he won't be able to live alone too well.
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It does sound like his days of living alone are over. Do you talk to the stepdaughter? She probably needs to refuse to be POA ( think i saw that on another thread?).
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I'm in regular contact with her. She's a real sweetheart. She has already told me that she will sign over POA to me. My brother told his friend that he did get the POAs done and then the friend contacted me to let me know.
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So sorry you are going through this. I would get the POA signed over to you ASAP. The Neoropsychologist did him a disservice if they told him to limit driving. Either you can drive or not. My DH’s Neuropsyche said that once it’s in his medical record, if he has an accident, even if not his fault, he could be sued and lose everything. That’s how I got my DH to give up driving altogether. I would not go on the trip. Do whatever you have to do to avoid it.
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If I have to do all the driving, I'm willing to do that. But that's a good point about it being in his record now. That gives me some ammunition to use.
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I think his step daughter needs to telephone and tell him that she’s sorry, but she’s given his visit more thought, and is flattered that he wants to visit her and the new baby, but, no, the timing given everyone’s situation will simply not work for her. She is going to have her hands full and simply won’t be ready. Period.
I love your subject line and think you’re a wonderful sister to your brother. He’s lucky to have your support! I hope you get that DPOA soon.
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She has told him flat out not to come, but he's not listening. He isn't rational anymore. I'm going to go up to see him before he leaves and do what I can to intervene. His doctor told him to limit his driving, but it's doubtful that he even remembers that. This week, I'm going to call APS and DMV to see what can be done.
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Have the baby's dad call and tell him, man-to-man, he's not coming to visit the baby!
Iris
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That's her husband. I don't know if they've tried that, but it won't work. You can't expect a rational response from a man who is no longer rational.
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Would he respond to you having a need for his help asap? Perhaps he's driven to feel useful or looked up to.
The Area Agency on Aging might have some suggestions around the driving and other safety issues. This is the one where he lives. BTW, once dad was diagnosed, his insurance policy was invalid.1 -
Again, I live six hours away. I'm not comfortable having him drive that far. My ultimate goal is to either have him move into a senior adult facility where he lives or have him move to Albuquerque where I am. He doesn't yet realize that the life he thought he had is now over. Like my late hubby, all of the necessary changes are going to be against his will and he will fight every step of the way.
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I have sent an email to the DMV there explaining the problem and attached a photo of that part of the report which mentions his driving limitations. I even explained the term anosognosia. If they suspend or revoke his license, I would go up there and get him.
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You know, he may have lost executive function to actually get himself to Florida, but it's very risky to even take the chance. My partner used to talk all the time about moving back to Texas and surprised the hell out of me when she actually managed to accurately place a long distance call to a childhood chum there and told her she was coming. It never went further than the phone call, but even that caused a flurry of alarmed calls and texts because she also told them i had left her when i was sitting in the next room.
Elaine it sounds like you either have to enable this unwanted trip by taking him, which doesn't seem right, or go there, disable his car, and take him with you to Albuquerque. It does sound like it could get ugly, and that you need the poa in hand. Contacting APS also sounds like a good idea under the circumstances. I think you should be prepared that he might need emergency hospitalization even, so you might want to research the facilities available in his area.
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He told his friend that he got the POAs done, but he hasn't contacted me about it or given me a copy. I'm wondering about this neuropsychologist. She mentions ADLs several times in the report, but not IADLs. IADLs are lost well before ADLs in most cases.
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So, I posed that question to my niece. She said that they could try, but it's unlikely to have any impact. She said he doesn't remember any of their previous conversations on the matter. All that he remembers is what his diseased brain has decided. Today is Monday. I'm going to call adult protective services in the area. I might call the local Alzheimer's Association and ask if they can give me some names of good elder care attorneys.
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it sounds to me that you will end up with POA and total responsibility for your brother. I would suggest move him to your town into a facility in one event, otherwise you will be adding on the distance factor into supervising his care. Best wishes in an unfortunate situation.
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I would be his legal guardian, which is much more than a POA. I am my son's legal guardian, so I know how this works. I think I'll give him the option of staying in a facility where he lives, with no car, or he can come here where I can chauffer him around.
He will be very angry, but I can deal with that. I come from the same blood line. I'm just as stubborn as he is.
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I got an email back from DMV. They are sending my brother a letter and a form for his doctor to complete. He has 180 days to get it back to them. The doctor will say whether or not he can drive and what restrictions on his driving there might be. They can't keep my report anonymous, but I don't care. I can take it. I am so sick of hearing caregivers (mostly women) who are afraid to stop their husbands from driving. Their cowardice is putting other lives at stake. If he gets violent or threatens violence, you lock yourself in a room in the house, or go to a neighbor's house, and call 911. You explain that he has dementia. They will haul him off to a locked geripsych unit until his behavior is under control.
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Oh Elaine, what a stressful situation and nightmare. My DH could be described very much like your brother but his travel idea is to travel across multiple states in a motor home. Very scary. So many good suggestions on this thread. I like the idea of calling APS and DMV. I didn't know that after diagnosis his insurance would be invalid. I will check into that for my state (Utah). DH still has an active license and neurologist hasn't objected. But I am thinkingin DH shouldn't be driving, and considering asking the doc to re-evaluage and make a formal recommendation about him not driving.
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Another thought, if you can't prevent his leaving on the trip and he just takes off on his own, is to immediately call the highway patrol in his state, and report that he has just left on a trip to Florida, against doctor's orders, he has dementia, he's not safe, and give them the intended major highways along the route you think he will take. I have thought that I might have to do this with my own DH.
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Does your hubby have access to the keys? In my case, I took the keys away from my husband and locked them in a lockbox. Then I hid the box in the garage.
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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