And that went well (not)
I often tout the use of fiblets and redirects here. However I failed miserably at that myself earlier today.
Backstory: I saw Mom last Monday( brought groceries). Talked to her on Thursday. My son saw her Friday. She told him she hadn’t seen me in ages. I saw her on Saturday ( brought groceries). She told me ( in front of staff) not to forget where she lives. She called me last night to complain she didn’t feel well. She implied I should do something about that. Her documented choice is for comfort care only. I told her she didn’t need to go to the ER and she said she didn’t want to. I suggested she lay down and rest. That wasn’t what she wanted either. So what did she want? Most likely for me to drive out there after dark just to baby her.
Now to today: I went there to bring her more groceries ( she gave me another list on Saturday). Before I even got in the building, the activity director saw me and stopped me. She’s had all she could take of mom complaining to her that I wasn’t there enough, didn’t do enough and wasn’t cheerful enough when I saw her. She acts depressed all day long.
I had a chat with mom. It’s been a long time coming and it needed to be done. But I forgot that logic just doesn’t work. I told mom that I was not able to come more than once or twice a week. That she was safe where she was and to try to redirect her thoughts when she got depressed about my supposed lack of visits. Now I of course has to say this multiple times because she 1) said she didn’t hear me, and 2) didn’t process what I was trying to tell her. When I finally got my point across - well then she played the victim card.
My spouse is having shoulder surgery on Wednesday. I told her I wouldn’t be out the rest of the week due to that.
People think an AL/MC placement will make things better. It does somewhat, but there are still issues.
Comments
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I can relate. We (DH) find ourselves trying to reason sometimes. nope. doesn't work. Cat!
One of us tries to reason, the other brings up 'Cat'. or 'have you seen the cat'. because you can't reason with a cat. So we use that as the base for 'look what you are trying to do'… oh. yeah. ~ sigh ~
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Why go through all of that? Just say, "uh huh" and go on to the next topic. I do this with my neighbor, who doesn't have dementia but who is forgetful and repeats herself.
Iris
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Iris
I normally do. That’s why I’m so annoyed with myself for trying to use logic. I just wasn’t in the right mood to deal with her today - even before the activity director talked to me. I guess I was trying to get her to stop complaining before the staff starts suggesting I move her. She isn’t bad enough to go to an MC.2 -
Even in AL it is still a lot of work. It is hard to be on top of it with every visit. To remember to bring everything that is needed (she won’t tell me she needs depends until she has one left). I ask her about distilled water for her cpap and hope she knows what she is talking about when she says she has plenty (she would get angry I went in her room to check myself). I try to shove at least a couple of empty t-paper rolls in my pocket to toss (she hoards). I need to check with staff to see if she needs more laundry detergent and fabric softener. I need to drop her medication at the desk(her insurance will not work with their pharmacy). She also gets upset if she sees me talking to staff(talking about her behind her back). Then there is the usual anger about wanting to go to her house I have to try to dodge. But I can’t let that get me flustered and upset because if I forget something I’m making another trip to visit and I’m 45 minutes away. I get it!
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empty toilet paper rolls…some one here used to paint them together with their husband,,,,hmmmmmm
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I set up a subscription on Amazon for Depends to be delivered monthly to mom at the AL. They come in Amazon brown boxes and the staff helps her unpack them. That hasn’t totally stopped the last minute calls for a bag. When that happens though, I up the subscription for the next month by another bag. As of this month, it’s up to 5 bags of 28 each. It’s actually cheaper than buying them at the store.
I feel your pain on the extra trips. I’m 35 minutes away from Mom. Add a doctor visit into the mix and you are booked for most of the daytime hours.
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QBC, I do wonder if maybe she is in fact ready for MC. Hard to tell from this perspective of course, but I do wonder
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@M1. She can’t afford it. She’d run through her money in about 18 months, as opposed to 3 years in AL. I think though that I will ask for another hospice evaluation soon. I think her physical health is declining even though they said no in early August.
Also - other than being anxious and depressed, she’s still in our reality. No delusions or hallucinations. No aggression. No eloping. Mostly managing her ADLs. She changes her own depends. She dresses herself. She showers herself/ other than having someone help her into/out of the shower due to being a fall risk. Given all that, I really don’t see how she’d qualify for an MC. Of course I might not be fully understanding what qualifies someone with that description for an MC.
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…"the activity director saw me and stopped me. She’s had all she could take of mom complaining to her …."
Well there's someone who needs to freshen up her resume . Can you imagine "Julie" on that TV show griping " People complain every cruise they've gained weight because of the buffets & that the ship rocks too much. EVERY darned cruise - stay home on solid ground and eat salads!"
What did she expect working in a Senior home…
if you haven't already ,next lab maybe the Doctor can test for B12 levels. It's an inexpensive OTC assist if Dr ok's . For some folks I've seen it work.
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I didn’t know about that particular symptom of B12 issues. I will check that out.I get your point about the staff member. It’s a small facility, 50 apartments. 12 of which have been empty for a while. ( they are spending a bunch of money to update and renovate the place, so no danger of closing). Mom’s been there for 5 years. Step-dad died there in Feb. I guess the staff and I have all grown close, so they feel free to commiserate with me. The staff member wasn’t criticizing me, she was consoling me because she knows I’m there a lot. But yes, it didn’t make me in a good mood for when I went on into the building.
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The answer to all complaints should be’I’m so sorry mom, I will try to do better’. You can try to explain til you are blue in the face…you are wasting your breath.
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I would say, "I only do what I can do, Mom. Sorry it's not enough." Rinse and repeat. If you have a script it might help. And that staff member isn't helping.
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This is a great response. It is validating to the PWD.
Iris
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Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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