Arguments about travel that is unrealistic

Jean loves wildlife · September 27

This is such a wonderful forum full of caring people. I am struggling with a difficult topic with my DH and need suggestions. DH is diagnosed with vascular dementia but doc doesn't give other particulars. DH has a long list of comorbidities including heart failure, COPD, very high risk of falls including about 15 serious falls in the last year breaking his neck, breaking his back, leading to extensive spinal surgery. He uses CPAP, oxygen concentrator, and has very limited mobility. He has only walked to the end of our driveway about once in the last year. I am 76, in reasonably fair health, but have rheumatoid arthritis which causes quite a bit of fatigue. I am struggling right now just with day to day life. Meantime DH, with anosognosia, is not aware he has any deficits and wants to travel the world - Australia, Norway, Europe etc. As far as I am concerned that is totally out of the question. We will be lucky to even get so see our kids a few hundred miles away. He is upset that I am not planning trips "while we're both healthy and can walk." But of course he's not healthy and barely walks. Redirection is not working to get his mind off this obsession with travel and I don't want it to escalate into full scale ugly arguments. Any ideas?

GothicGremlin · September 27

It's a tough one.

I went through a similar thing with my sister. She had always wanted to go to Italy/Sicily - and we managed to get her there while she was still stage 4, continent, could walk, etc. In hindsight, we squeaked in just under the wire with her travel abilities.

But - she wanted to go back, as often as possible. Obviously, that was not going to happen. When she'd ask when we could go back to Sicily, I'd say "oh wow, that would be fun, wouldn't it? We can't go right now (it's a holiday-it's raining-it's winter - whatever excuse I could come up with), but maybe we can go in the spring." She would be okay with that, and she'd even forget about traveling for awhile. The topic would come up again, and again I'd kick the can down the road. What I always did though was to say words to the effect of "of course we can go again - just not right now." That way she really only heard the word "yes" to wanting to go back. I couched everything in positive language, even though her days of traveling were over.

I don't know if that will work for you, but I had success with that strategy.

M1 · September 27

I would try that too, yes we’ll go as soon as I can (plan it, get away, etc.)…this comes up with us in terms of my partner wanting to leave MC and come home. I always tell her yes absolutely, that’s the plan…while thinking to myself that it will likely be her ashes that I will bear home.

sandwichone123 · September 27

I tell my spouse, "yeah, we need to plan something…" But I don't bring cruise brochures. I thought about doing so, but I'm concerned it would help him fixate more.

jfkoc · September 27

I was able to stave off all pipe dreams by blaming my poor health. I was, in fact, perfectly, healthy.

SDianeL · September 28

I said my DH could come home when the doctor said so. He accepted that but asked over and over. The problem is that they forget they asked you already and forget the answer you gave. Just keep saying yes, you’re planning it next summer. Then change the season if he’s still asking then.

Iris L. · September 28

Let me be a contrarian. PWDs have little enjoyment left in life because they have lost so much. What's wrong with him fantasizing and dreaming about a trip? If it makes him happy, why not? He doesn't have to know that it's not going to happen. He has anosognosia and he is living in another world mentally. I don't see anything wrong in asking him where he would like to go, what would he like to do there? Perhaps get some food from that area or place some music from that area. We all like to dream. This is like when a PWD wants to "go home". One can ask, what was home like? What did you do there? Who else was there? PWD might like to reminisce, since they may retain long term memories longer. Keep in mind that the long term memories may be confabulated. If there is arguing, you are operating in your reality, not in the PWD's reality. You are arguing because you believe if you say yes, then he will say, go get the tickets! Then you will be stuck. You don't have to be concrete. You can be vague, as noted above. The main thing is, don't argue, it's not good for either of you. At the same time, is there a nearby park he can visit? PWDs need to be engaged in failure-free activities. This will help pass the time.

Iris

Jean loves wildlife · September 28

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224119#Comment_224119

@Iris L. these are very wise words. I've been kicking the can down the road for a few years now (we can't go this summer, because you're having surgery . . . or we can't do it this year because I just had surgery, and various other excuses. Have been doing some of the other things people have mentioned too and I never respond with "no" even though that is in my head. One of his crazier ideas is wanting to go back on an African safari where we would stay in a luxury tent in the bush. No electricity for 8 hrs/day because power is from generators - and he needs power for medical devices . . . I am glad we had a chance to go several years ago. I wish I had the optimism, strength and creativity to let him fantasize without stressing myself out. He gets angry sometimes and demands to know why I haven't made any travel plans, but then he forgets. I will work harder on your ideas and try to let his momentary anger in those moments roll off my back.

mrahope · September 30

I, too, had this issue with my DH, who was born and raised in an Asian country. We had traveled there many times, and he had also gone alone. My saving grace was that he was the one who typically planned the trips, so I would tell him to get busy with the planning, He would try, but ultimately fail. And then forget, so it wasn't quite so terrible. By the time I had to move him to MC, he had packed almost everything he owned in suitcases, thinking he would go any time. Very sad…

Anna2022 · September 30

This happens with my DH too. I've kicked the can down the road several ways, early on by suggesting he plan the trip, which he cannot do and I soon decided it was cruel to suggest he try to plan it again. Now I proceed softly - when he asks to go to "Rome before I die" (which he used to do every day), I now say, "maybe for your birthday in the spring." He likes that a lot. The last time he asked was a few weeks ago. I'm happy (and sad) he has forgotten it all.

BTW, we stopped traveling internationally last year. It was just too much. The last domestic trip we took was this summer, driving a several hours from our house out of state to the hospital ICU to visit a close and much loved relative in the last days of life. It was necessary and painful, with constant questions (his agitation enhanced because he was processing the emotions of losing a loved one, I think), such as "why are we going to X? Where are we going? Do you know the route? I don't know where we are, do you? I've lived here all my life, I know the way!" Remarkably, he really liked to be in the car and said so, even for the long drive, but once there, DH just wanted to go home, right now, repeating that several times a day, every day. When we headed to our permanent home ( a much shorter drive), he kept asking "why aren't we staying? We should be staying, I'm fine with staying." He was agitated and miserable the entire time and was happy to go home. Then, a few hours after arriving home he asked, "when are we going back? We need to be there!" Needless to say, our days of traveling are over - my sanity and his demand it.

Arguments about travel that is unrealistic

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