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DH doesn’t think we are married

Paulaw1954
Paulaw1954 Member Posts: 4
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in Caring For a Spouse or Partner

my DH with vascular dementia and Alzheimer’s doesn’t recognize our home as his, doesn’t think we are married and has moved into a different bedroom. He tells me he’s not comfortable here and needs to move. Is it time for MC?

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  • SDianeL
    SDianeL Member Posts: 967
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    So sorry. It’s hard to hear them say things like that. But delusions are common. As you know correcting him or arguing with him won’t work and may cause more anxiety. Have you tried agreeing with him and fibbing? Does he seem agitated or aggressive? Does he say where he wants to move? Many times they want to go home but no longer know where home is. It’s more that their world is falling apart and they want somewhere safe. I would talk to his doctor.

  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    welcome to the forum. What you’re experiencing is pretty common, sadly. Hard to know if it’s time for MC, but it might be since you’re asking the question. It’s recently become very clear to me that one of the real assets of MC is the controlled environment, and yes, that may be something he’d benefit from.

  • Joe C.
    Joe C. Member Posts: 964
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    Paula, Welcome but sorry you needed to seek out our community. My wife did not recognize me as her husband or our house as her home for about 18 before I placed her in MC. It is a huge loos when your LO stops recognizing you so I’m sorry you’re going through it. I feel that when I did place DW her not recognizing our home was a benefit because she has never once asked about home since I placed her.

  • Laurie1282
    Laurie1282 Member Posts: 56
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224295#Comment_224295

    Sleeping little or very lightly when my hubby was up roaming in the night was hard for me too. I found a simple door alarm (loud doorbell sound) to put on the doors to the outside. The alarm rings wherever I plug the receiver in, so I have one in our bedroom and the family room. It gives me peace of mind to sleep and know I will hear the alarm if he tries to go outside. They are not very expensive. It might work for you to get more sleep…

  • easy23
    easy23 Member Posts: 212
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    It's up to you when you place your DH in memory care. The ER doctors told me it was time a year ago, but I was not ready. The PCP told me 8 months ago that I should think about placement if things were getting too difficult for me, but I was not ready. The geripsych told me 2 months ago that it's time and I was ready, I placed my DH 3 1/2 weeks ago and I feel so much better knowing he is safe and I can sleep soundly.

    Before I placed him, I went back to the elder care lawyer and got legal advice about my finances. Memory care is expensive - I am paying $11,000/month.

  • Biggles
    Biggles Member Posts: 86
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    OMG $11,000 a month, that's way beyond my finances. I just hope I can keep up the care giving.

  • TooEarly
    TooEarly Member Posts: 21
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    I'm just somewhat echoing what others said, @Paulaw1954

    My DW was young-onset. Last few months began calling it "your house" (me), instead of "our house" or just "the house." Hasn't yet done something like insisting on sleeping in a different room.

    Still recognizes me most of the time … but there are some recent examples which raise my antenna.

    Last night, for the 1st time, she didn't go right back to sleep after waking around 3 a.m. for the bathroom. Was in a cranky fog and I don't think she recognized me. Kept saying, "Leave me alone" and "stop telling me what to do." Stood and stared out the bathroom window for the longest time. I gave her plenty of room. Eventually, she went to bed. I gave it another 20 minutes before I got in and she was fine.

    As for when to go to MC? In our area, there are wait lists pretty much everywhere, so I applied to 3 places. Even though I'm not sure I'd say yes if one called me tomorrow, my fear is — with my DW's case accelerating faster than average, the neurologist says — in just a few weeks, things could deteriorate to the point where MC has to happen. So I went ahead and applied.

  • sandwichone123
    sandwichone123 Member Posts: 764
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    I think you're wise to apply, and just stay on the waiting lists until the time comes. As you point out, it may be much sooner than expected.

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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