Is staying outside of a facility better during early to moderate stages?

I am in an ALZ caregiver group, and there is a mix of folks who are doing what you're thinking about doing, and those who have loved ones in facilities. Between both my parents, I've experienced both. The ones that are doing the caregiving outside of a facility often mention that they have a "part time job" managing the caregivers. If you live in an area where caregivers are easy to come by and you have choices including quality folks, this can be quite manageable. If you aren't, you may find yourself spending a lot of time assisting, checking in, covering if they don't show up, and wondering if they are doing what they are supposed to do. Cost can also be a huge limiter. In my area, I was able to find a really nice facility for 2/3 the cost of in-home care. One additional thing I learned: the more advanced the disease, the harder change can be. When my dad moved from home to AL, he was late early/moderate stage. Within a year, we needed to move him to a new room in the same facility; he was moderate stage at that time. After 4 months in the new room, he has quickly become moderate to severe. The move was incredibly difficult for him, it took months for him to "recover" –– it really rocked his world. I can't imaging making that same move from home to a facility at a more advanced stage of dementia, after seeing the affect of a simple move on my dad. To caveat, everyone is different and you never know! Just sharing my experience. ;)

Everyone's parents and situation are different, mine was very elderly when we were making this decision. We were long distance.

We were concerned about managing the caregivers and what if one didn't show up or quit and who was watching how they interacted with my parent? I was also worried about isolation and how would my parent tolerate having someone there all the time. (She wouldn't). Our experience hiring a driver who could have morphed into a part time caregiver was not successful.

We hoped that after the isolation of being at home and all her friends having either passed away or moved closer to their kids, AL and then MC would provide activities and friends.

One thing I learned was make sure the caregivers are allowed to drive your LO if they come from an agency. Some don't, it is considered outside of scope. So if that is important make sure it is spelled out in advance. And what car will they be driving? Theirs or one you maintain and insure?

Sadly there is probably nothing you are going to be able to say that will convince her. I think you just need to make the decision you think is best for her and make the move. Did you get money figured out so you can do that? My mom is convinced she doesn’t belong in AL. I’ve told her the doctor said she can’t live alone. She wants proof. I give her the paperwork from the evaluation, she said she was just nervous during the evaluation and that’s why she did bad. My brother suggested we get her reevaluated to prove it🙄. It is so difficult. I already second guess myself and wonder if she is in the right AL, do I sell the house, when, what happens when money is gone. Then I have her demanding answers she won’t accept and questioning everything I do. Tells me I’m not treating her right wasting all her money. Sorry I got off on my own little rant there. Bottom line do what you think is best, you probably won’t get her buy in.

I haven't seen your other posts and don't know your mother's abilities. You mention early to moderate stages. My mother moved in with me and had a caregiver when I worked. She lived a very active and social life for many years. I think it was very good for her.

Since COVID caregivers are much harder to find. I think trying to coordinate caregivers in shifts may become a nightmare. If you could find a decent live in you would be better off in my opinion. If you did this, and your mother is still in early/moderate stages, it would be important she had a routine and got out to do various things. You could also hire a geriatric care manager who could manage the caregivers for you.

You seem to like the facility option more. Instead of having your mother move in right away and discussing that with her, is there any way the facility would allow your mother to participate in some activities and meals for a while? Could your mother go a few days a week for a while for lunch and an activity and then back home? I have no idea if they have a day-type program or if that could be done, but it might allow your mother to make some friends and view the facility in a positive light. Once she is used to that, the idea of a move might be easier.

I'd take that [her moving in] as her knowing at some level she needs help but it may be the last time she can make a less emotional more rational choice. She may just be emotionally rebelling at what she can no longer understand . And through it all— she sounds just the same. It's tough.

You may have to think the opposite- more rational- if I remember right- you have smaller children and a job - they need to be protected more , waiting for her to realize and accept another change may never happen .

I was able to convince (which the help of his only child) that taking care of a house and all that's involved, was becoming a chore. With Hot summers and freezing winters living alone was becoming untenable and dangerous. After looking at a number of different facilities, I moved him into an Assisted Living One bedroom apartment near me. His child lives abroad, so you know how that works! He's adjusted well and the stress of his care is now off my shoulders. There was guilt in the beginning on my part that maybe it was too soon. But, now that he has been there for almost 4 months I see that the move was in the "nick of time". He's disoriented at times and confused but that is the nature of the disease. I am now more relaxed and ROLL with it. I'm available to him as well as to the staff and we are all in sync to give him the best life possible. I help him with his phone, take him out for a drive/activitiys, etc.. The rest is being taken care of by the facility. I was initially reluctant to switch him to the in-house Dr. but that turned out to be a blessing as well. They handle all of his needs and I no longer am driving him from one Dr. to the next. They also know how to handle his health concerns better than I did. I thought every ache and pain was a big deal when in reality he just needs someone to listen. It's a long haul for sure. I am able to have a "life" again and have rejoined some activities that I had dropped because of have to care for my LO. Al the best to everyone that is going through this difficult time.