Help! I am second-guessing my decisions

Denise1847 · October 5

My DH got COVID last month. For all of his 33-day hospitalization, they forced in to stay in bed (for falls precaution) and would restrain him much of the time. They barely walked him because he required 2 people (staffing issues or laziness?). PT might have come around 4 times in the 33 days. He was transferred to a rehab facility today to strengthen him.

When I arrived, he was sitting outside his room in a hospital gown after he had tried to leave the facility. He is so out of it, and I cannot imagine how difficult it must be for him.

Hopefully, he will only be there a week or so to get strong enough to move him to memory care. Yuck, another major change and more confusion.

I just hate that I am not able to bring him home. I know I don't have the physical, mental or emotional strength to deal with his care, yet I just cannot shake the thought that I am being disloyal and uncaring. How do you ever get past these feelings that you need to be sacrificial and that I am not doing the right thing. I feel like I am abandoning him or throwing him away.

jsps139_ · October 5

So many here have gone through what you are going through, and so many of us are wondering how long it will be before we are there. My heart hurts for all of us caregivers and for all of the people we care for. It is so hard. I pray daily for everyone in this wonderful community!

SDianeL · October 5

Remember you are doing this for his care and safety. In your heart you know you can no longer give him the care he needs. Your mental and physical well being is important. No need to feel guilty. You have given him care as long as physically possible. Many caregivers die before their LO because of the stress. Praying for your strength. Hugs.

White Crane · October 5

My DH used to ask me if I was going to, "put him in a home." I always tried to answer him honestly. I told him I loved him and would take care of him as long as I was physically able to. And I did. The time came after a hospitalization last January when he needed more care than I could give him and I could no longer keep him safe at home. Did I feel guilty? No, not really. I had done all I could do. What I did feel was an overwhelming sadness along with grief. My intention had always been to keep him home for the duration but sometimes our intentions have to change for our loved ones sake and for our own. It's sad but it was the best thing to do for both of us.

Jazzma · October 5

When I felt I just couldn't leave my DH in memory care after a bad hospitalization, the staff there explained to me that it is like taking your child to the first day of kindergarten. They are frightened of change, they want to stay with you, and it is so hard to leave them there. But you know what is best for them in the long run, and you have to be the adult and do it because they are not able to make that decision. It helped me go forward. I still have many days of questioning whether I could have done more, or whether I could bring him back home. For now I know that he is safe, which is the most important thing. Wishing you the very best.

Dio · October 5

I can so very much relate to second-guessing my decisions right now. I felt no guilt when DH was placed because I knew the reasons and that my decision was sound. However, now that he's thriving with the right meds and seemingly with an 180 degree turnaround, I'm now wracked with guilt for not willing to bring him home. I'm traumatized by the "monster" that took over my DH and the fear from his violence when he hurt me. I simply won't feel safe no matter what. People who haven't seen that "monster" think he doesn't belong in memory care, inciting me to "level up his quality of life" such as moving him to assisted living where he may be with people possibly more in his age group. Well, he's only 63, so I get it. But what AL would accept an LBD resident with a history of violence? And if he walks out the door of the AL on his own accord, which in theory they can't legally stop him or force him back in, and finds his way home ringing the doorbell, then what?? Now two of his best friends have jumped onto the bandwagon, egging me on to move him. I'm feeling a mental collapse coming on…

LindaLouise · October 5

So helpful to know I'm not alone with my feelings of guilt, mixed up with relief and intense grief and sadness. My DH is only 68 and seems so young compared to the other residents at his MC - but I know that he is calmer due to the MC environment, a careful mix of medications and more than just me being his caregiver. I also know that I am not waking up every hour or two all night long, and that my blood pressure has dropped since he was placed. Placing your spouse in MC is not easy - it's the hardest thing I've ever done - but I have to hold tight to what I know is right for him and not let the emotions, and other people's opinions tempt me to do what is not in his best interest. That is true love - to do what is best for our LOs even when our own emotions and those of others try to tell us we are wrong! But, boy is it hard! Blessings to all of you - so grateful to know you are all out there and we are going through this together…

Dio · October 6

LindaLouise, thank you for your post! It helps to know it's not just me. There is some sanity within this insanity.

Denise1847 · October 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224714#Comment_224714

Oh Dio, It is terrible that others are encouraging you to make that decision. I would tell them that when they can commit to taking care of him 24/7 then you will consider it. My thoughts are that he may be doing well now, but it is only a matter of time that the Alz monster takes him further down the path and then what? I am so sorry. No one has a right to say a thing about your decisions - they have no idea how horrible it is.

Carl46 · October 9

Denise, it is not disloyal or uncaring to get help when you need it. In some situations, it would be neglect to fail to get needed help. You know his condition and your abilities, and you know best what help you and he need.

housefinch · October 9

@Dio when those people write you a check for $24,000/month for 24/7 in home care, they can weigh in on the decision

Dio · October 9

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/225053#Comment_225053

Thank you! You made me chuckle…so true.

Help! I am second-guessing my decisions

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