Unwanted Advice

no-one-gets-it · October 6

Back story, My mom (83) was just diagnosed with dementia along with multiple other health issues. I have been bathing her and taking her to appointments since February (since and hospital and rehab stay). Now I also cook her meals. My dad does the best he can but he is 88. I work a part-time job, a seasonal job and own a business. My siblings are not in a position to help. My in-laws are always telling me that I can't keep going this way and I need to look into putting my parents in a home. I am now going to spend 4 days in Vegas with the in-laws and just the thought makes me nauseous. I do not want to spend 4 days with someone telling me what I should and should not be doing with my parents. How do you handle advice that wasn't asked for?

SiberianIris · October 6

I welcome advice from people who've been there, actually having or had a loved one with dementia. Other folks, who haven't a clue, not so much. Unasked for advice from the uninitiated is very tiresome.

Just like when someone dies, people think they should say something. Even though it can fall flat, it's their way of trying to let you know they care. To this sort of advice, I usually respond with something like "Thank you for your concern. I'll keep that in mind".

no-one-gets-it · October 6

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/224763#Comment_224763

I have tried the "thank you" approach but they are relentless. I actually love my in-laws, we have a great relationship but I find myself avoiding being around them. I know they think they are helping but their comments are just causing me additional stress.

Victoriaredux · October 6

hmm…. looking at it from another angle - do they want control of you or are they sharing wisdom from watching the course of care giving, esp. for a dementia patient, based on seeing their friends and family suffer for years?

You have a spouse, I assume, and "a part-time job, a seasonal job and own a business"- that's a very full plate do your parents live with you now?

A dementia patient can't be left alone at certain point and with your Dad being 88 - he may need a hospital or rehab stay- can you drop everything you have going on and be with your Mom 24/7 and still see him in the hospital?

How about incontinence care , bed transfers etc.

They may not be saying you aren't Wonder person but that even Wonder person needs a ready to go backup plan in place.

Do you have the legal documents to be able to handle their finances and care in the future? If not a visit to an elder law attorney would be a good first step while they can hopefully both be found able to sign documents and avoid guardianship actions in court .

While dementia is a slow disease - a crisis happens fast and when you don't expect it. My "have to change course" sweet spot was always the dreaded 9 pm Friday night call. Your folks can flip from being "ok" dropping off meals to needing 24/7 care in a physically safe place [ no wandering] overnight -I'd take your in-laws concern as saying- get a plan for care & finances in place now. Because the 24/7 care and the financial tab is coming no matter how fantastic you are.

Enjoy your trip!

Quilting brings calm · October 6

is it possible that your in-laws see the stress caregiving is causing both you AND your spouse ? A spouse who is their offspring? Is it possible they can see objectively how much you are doing and you can’t see it? Is it possible they are telling you something they want for their own future such as ‘ when we get this bad, put us in a facility rather than be our caregiver?

no-one-gets-it · October 6

All great perspectives that I hadn't thought of. Yes we have done all of the legal stuff and yes, I can drop what I am doing to care for them (fortunately, all of my jobs can be done from a laptop from anywhere). We are having a family meeting next month to determine the course of action for the long term.

Iris L. · October 6

Who will take care of the parents while you are in Las Vegas for four days?

Iris

fesk · October 7

Maybe tell the in-laws ways they can help you. Give them something to do help take the burden off you. I don't much care for advice from anyone that hasn't lived it or helps.

SDianeL · October 7

I would read the book “The 36 Hour Day” which was recommended by a nurse after my husband’s dementia diagnosis. Also look up the stages of dementia to see what is in the near future for your Mom. Then you can be better prepared to make the decision to move them in with you or move your Mom to memory care and have a plan to counter your in laws unwanted advice.

harshedbuzz · October 7

I suspect this advice is coming from a folks who may be a little selfish but mostly mean well.

It sounds like they're quite fond of you and perhaps, given their affection for you and ability to be more objective, they have a point. They may miss spending time the old you who wasn't exhausted by the duties you've taken on. They may be giving voice to your husband's stake in this situation as they see it.

That said, you need a solid Plan B given your dad's age and abilities.

HB

NizhoniGrrl · October 8

I would talk to them and your spouse directly at the beginning of the trip and say that you would like this to be a stress free vacation and that means no discussion about your parents. You need a break from worrying about them which includes discussing them at all. If they start in, remind them that this is your vacation and no parent talk and walk away. Rinse and repeat. Sounds like they love you and this might work.

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