Death of sibling

Maggie M · October 20

Friday night my DH'S younger brother passed away. He is one of 7 and this is the first to die. I am having a hard time figuring out how to tell him and what to do about wake?/funeral? Any suggestions? I did call Alz Ass and talked to a lovely gal who gave me some suggestions. Just wanted to see if anyone has gone through this and what you did.

Anna2022 · October 20

My sister recently died and she and my DH were close. He was present at her side the day before her death and was completely appropriate, taking in the situations and responding with love and kindness. The next day, he had forgotten her death. Each time he asks about her now, I have told him that she died. He has taken in the information, then said, "why don't I know this?" or "why wasn't I told," or "where was I?" He takes in the "new" information and then moves on to say, " I will miss her very much." He then forgets about it until the next time. There will come a time when I say she is fine, but for now this seems to work for him. But, I remember the saying I learned here, "when you've seen one person with dementia, you've seen one person with dementia." What works for my DH now may not be appropriate for your loved one. Best of luck in this heartbreaking journey.

JDancer · October 20

I think it depends on what stage your DH is in. At stage 6, I wouldn't tell my spouse about any deaths.

fesk · October 20

Yes. I agree. It very much depends where your husband is at. In earlier stages, it was appropriate to tell my mother and she attended funerals. There came a point, where I no longer told her if someone died. If she asks about a person who is no longer here, I tell her they are doing good.

harshedbuzz · October 20

@Maggie M

I am sorry for your family's loss.

I feel like there is no one-size-fits-all answer to this common question. A big part will depend on your DH's stage of dementia. In the earlier stages, I feel like a PWD is entitled to be told once. In stage 6, maybe not.

How close they are matters too. If BIL wasn't a regular part of your DH's day-to-day, the answer is less clear than if they saw each other a lot.

Attending services is another consideration. Your BIL's spouse/children should be considered. If your DH were to be "inappropriate" during the funeral, would they be upset or take it in their stride as a manifesation of his condition.

My ex-BIL's mom was stage 6-ish when her DH died. Because of her dementia, her youngest son had her cared for in a cottage on his property while another sibling took care of the dad in their marital home as he suffered with worsening CHF. She attended the viewing and funeral because her kids wanted her there. She kept forgetting why she was there and acted as if she was at a party. Everyone was understanding but her one daughter kept taking her up to the open casket to remind her why they were there.

Dad attended 2 visitation/viewings with dementia. The first was around stage 4-5. The deceased was a young man whose rival younger brother had become sole heir to his brother's accidental death policy and his parents'/nonno's considerable estates eventually. Dad commented rather loudly the said brother looked like he won the lottery. Dad wasn't wrong, TBH. But he was guilty of saying the quiet thing out loud.

He was worse in early stage 6 when he was rather too jovial at the viewing of dad's brother's lifelong best friend. I had advised against this, but mom insisted he really wanted to go. Dad had known this man since he was in elementary school and he golfed with him a few times a year pre-dementia. Eight years later the widow still stares daggers at mom if she runs into her at the community pool or local supermarket.

HB

GothicGremlin · October 21

I'm with the others. If your DH is right around stage 6 or more, I wouldn't bring it up.

At middle stage 6 (and later), my sister would ask me why our parents haven't been by to see her - our parents who both passed away a number of years ago - and I'd tell her they were stuck in traffic and would be by soon. Then I'd redirect her to something else.

When she was late stage 5-early stage 6, she'd ask me what happened to them, and what happened to various other relatives. At that earlier stage she knew they had passed away, but she couldn't remember from what. When I'd tell her, she'd say words to the effect of "I didn't know!" Even that conversation was upsetting to her.

So I kind of saw it coming that she'd forget they had passed away at all. At that point I clued in the rest of the family to not to tell her of the death of any relative.

SDianeL · October 21

my sister has Dementia Stage 5-6. She recently asked her husband what happened to her Dad. He died in 1969. She hasn’t remembered him for a long time. I would not tell him or have him attend a funeral. He won’t remember anyway and it may cause anxiety. So sorry for your family’s loss.

BPS · October 21

My wifes mother just died three days ago. she was in her 90's. My wife is about stage 6. I told her I had two bits of news. One was that her mother died and she started to cry, then I said the other news which in this cases was our daughter in law is going to have another baby. That changed the subject and she started talking about that. This way I told her the truth and was able to move on and not have her upset. The funeral will be in a couple of weeks, but I don't think I will take her. I am questioning this decision since it is her mother, but it will be about a three hour drive to get there and another three hours back, and I think that the trip would be hard on her, and I don't think it would help her in any way. Her siblings may not understand but I have to do what I think is best for her.

Carl46 · October 21

I told my mother when my brother died, because she was early in VD and would have noticed his absence. She couldn't attend the funeral, for medical reasons, but I took her to see his grave months later, when she was more able to go out. A few years later, her VD was more severe and I didn't tell her when her sister died, nor when her best friend since high school died.

fmb · October 21

My mother is in late Stage 6. We didn't tell her when her younger sister died recently, nor did I tell her when my former husband died in July. She is already very distressed with paranoia, hallucinations and anxiety. We tell her only the good news in our lives.

JDancer · October 21

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226196#Comment_226196

I think your decision to not attend this funeral is wise. I hope your family understands.

Death of sibling

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