Final chapter
My DH passed last night. I had seen him in the afternoon, and hope he heard me tell him how much I loved him. I am glad his suffering is done. It all happened so quickly after his last ER stay a couple weeks ago, that it’s hard for me to process. But he never rebounded from that awful experience and simply stopped eating and communicating.It has been a very long road, at least eight years since he was first diagnosed and more than two years in AL/MC. Although he was not at home, for me these last years were filled with so much anxiety and motion. There were visits my with him (3 hour trip each way) arranging doctors and therapists appointments, medication issues, ER visits when he fell, etc. I lived in a state of constant alert, trying to be his advocate and make sure he received good care and dealing with the many crises. And so much emotion! Feeling angry at the disease, the medical system, the facilities and resentful that my own needs were never met. And, of course, guilt that he wasnt at home, that I didn’t do enough
Now, suddenly, there is nothing for me to do but grieve. Suddenly, quiet and endless time. I am worn out. And I have no idea how to go about constructing a life for myself. The funny thing is that now that the battle with the disease has ended, there is a part of my brain that says, OK, that’s done, now he will walk through the door exactly as he was 10 years ago and we will pick up our normal life. My thoughts are are no longer of the distorted version of DH, a man struggling with confusion and disability but of the sweet and caring man who was my husband for the better part of the 45 years we were together. I guess there was a tiny sliver of irrational hope that I might see that man again but I know now he is gone forever. I’m not sure how to get through this and move on in life.
