Loss of Spouse, and moving to AL advice needed

Welcome to the forum, and I am sorry for your losses. This is a very hard situation.

I think most here would tell you that you don't discuss the move with him ahead of time. He won't know what you're talking about, and it will only distress him. I understand not wanting to lie to your dad, but honestly, the best answer here is the one that brings the most comfort. My partner cannot remember that her parents and sister have died, so we talk about them as if they are still alive.

Get the staff to help you; they've done this before. As you're pulling up to the facility, you say you're going for lunch, or that you've found this nice place for him to stay while the house is painted/cleaned, whatever. That's it, you let the staff take it from there, and you slip out. Then you follow their advice about when you come to visit.

IIt gives me some pause if you are far away from him. With nearly three years in memory care behind me, i can't tell you the number of urgent trips/ meeting them at the ER, etc. You may need to consider moving him closer to you if you are the POA.

edited to add: don't be surprised if he needs more than a hospitality model assisted living. By the time most families consider it, memory care is what is needed. This is very common.

"I do not want to lie and he still has remarkable moments of clarity." Yes, they can - I've watched a PWD have a meeting with a lawyer - catch typos in the documents, use perfect manners , make jokes and at the end ask why a never met long dead relative wasn't getting "something at least " in the will. So we plan for their worst moments because even if they are crisp for a bit— they probably won't remember it and their judgement isn't dependable.

How advanced are some of the patients at the home you are considering? If it doesn't seem they keep clients past a certain point then keep actively looking for a place where he can stay until the end.

It can be hard when one person has the money strings and the other the care responsibilities - if you haven't already I' d work out a system with your relative so you can access your mother's funds for the extras you'll need to supply . Like a cash card tied to her funds - and you send the receipts. Sometimes people pick their DPOA just thinking of executor duties and not the management of their care while still alive.

Lesson hard learned - if he gets sent to the ER and it is a quick - "ok nothing broken- can go back home" will the home bring him back if you aren't available - or would he be on his own if you can't make it ? If so work out how he would be transported and how his insurance works to avoid a big bill and/or insurance appeal - which would fall to the DPOA to manage.

I'm sorry about the loss of your Mother.

It sounds like you are on the right track and may have found a great place! I think the move itself is a strategy, carefully planned, and you may need to call in a small army to make it as quick as possible while someone takes him out for an outing. Since he knows the place, they may even be able to do the part where he is occupied for a full day while your troops pack what you’ve already decided is going into his new apartment. I wouldn’t get into this with him until it is done. He might agree or he might not, and the stress of might not won’t be good for him or you. Convince him after that it was the right move. In the meantime, if you can increase his visits and the activities he attends, thy might make the change smoother.