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How to handle critical relatives

CoryT
CoryT Member Posts: 10
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in I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)

I have a question that I'm sure has been covered before. How do you deal with relatives who don't help with care yet are full of advice and are somewhat critical if anything happens with your loved one. More specific my mother has a UTI and on her birthday my sister and my aunt asked when am I going to place my mother in a nursing home? My mother does not want to be put in a nursing home. She was on hospice, and we had 24/7 coverage with caregivers. I'm wondering how other caregivers deal with critical relatives who don't help but are full of unwanted advice.

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  • M1
    M1 Member Posts: 6,788
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    Hi Cory and welcome. Yes it comes up- and you grit your teeth and ignore them. As my twangy Texas partner used to say so colorfully:: everyone has two things : ****sholes and opinions.

    I think most people mean well but don't realize the irony of what they're doing nor how cruel their words can be to the hands-on caregivers. But it isn't worth the energy to get mad at them, nor to try to educate all of them. You develop thick skin in this experience ....sounds like you had a good arrangement for your mother.

  • Carl46
    Carl46 Member Posts: 167
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    "Thanks for the advice."

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 10
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226573#Comment_226573

    Thank you for your response. That makes a lot of sense, not to get too worked up about it. They will never change, but how we can react to them can. All the best to you.

  • jen ht
    jen ht Member Posts: 82
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    FB_IMG_1729607053533.jpg

    your reply reminded me of this, so sharing with you.

    Thinking of you.

  • forbarbara
    forbarbara Member Posts: 176
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    Many of us have been neglected, suspected, rejected and otherwise mistreated by our families. I know I have. But I have also discovered new “family” among my PWD’s friends and neighbors, and a few staff at the MC. My new family includes lots of the people who post here. I hope you find family here too.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 10
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226581#Comment_226581

    Thank you so much! I appreciate that, just what I needed. 😊

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 10
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226584#Comment_226584

    Same here. Thanks for the nice thoughts, I hope to find "famiy" here to. Seems like a great site. All the best to you and thanks for encouraging words. 😊

  • Stan2
    Stan2 Member Posts: 85
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    I feel your pain. I believe for the most part they are well meaning individuals who truly don't understand what it takes to be a caregiver. In my case it is our children, who are full of advice but offer little in day to day hands on assistance. I know they care and I know they think they are helping, so mostly I just smile, say thanks for the help and keep on keepin on.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 10
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226595#Comment_226595

    Thanks for responding. That really makes sense to me. I'm gonna try that in the future. "Thanks for the advice, then move on," not sure how my relatives will take it but it's worth a try. The advice is mostly from my aunt who is long winded.

  • Chammer
    Chammer Member Posts: 147
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    @M1 you forgot to add ...."and they both stink" 😁

  • JudyVE
    JudyVE Member Posts: 16
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71015/how-to-handle-critical-relatives

    Maybe your relatives don’t understand how they are coming across to you. I have been asked how long I will keep my husband at home, and I think the question comes more from concern about my well being and isn’t intended as a criticism. If I feel like I’m being criticized I bite my toungue. And then as someone else said, thank them for the suggestion/advice. If you have 24/7 assistance & can keep your mom at home then good for you! I hope I can do the same for my husband. Best of luck to you. Hang in there.

  • housefinch
    housefinch Member Posts: 399
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    I’ve faced this many times for a different reason (I have children with autism and sometimes people in public have even stared/expressed disapproval). It’s very, very hard especially when you’re already stressed to the maximum. I usually take a deep breath and, if someone comments, I say we’re all just doing the best we can. I keep chocolate at home at all times, though!!!!! Sending you a thick skin. It’s tough.

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 10
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226713#Comment_226713

    Thanks so much for the response. I'm going to try the "doing the best we can," as well as having comfort food close by. I'll take the thick skin, it's not easy to develop it overnight. Sending you a peaceful night sleep and best wishes in all that you are doing. 😊

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 10
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226675#Comment_226675

    I think that you may have a point, they might be expressing concern about my well-being and trying to give helpful advice rather than criticism. That's a skill to "bite one's tongue," that I'm gonna have to work on. I like the answer "thank you for the advice," and plan to use it. Wishing you all the best with your husband's care…We had the 24/7 caregivers for a few months, but cut back, it's really expensive.

  • Jeanne C.
    Jeanne C. Member Posts: 828
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    My husband’s sisters are full of advice and opinions. They stress me out, but we’re not friends and their opinions don’t actually matter. My own family walks the walk. They don’t offer advice. They actually help: stopping by to make dinner, staying over so I could get some sleep, being there the day I moved my husband to memory care.

    If you can, disregard unsolicited advice. It’s often well meaning, but unless they wear your shoes, it’s uninformed and irrelevant. You’re doing great for your mom!

  • CoryT
    CoryT Member Posts: 10
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    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226735#Comment_226735

    Thanks so much, I needed to hear that. 😊 My relatives said they would try to give advice only when I ask for it, but they can't help themselves. Thanks for responding and sharing, appreciate it!

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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