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I just miss my mom

yearofthedragon
yearofthedragon Member Posts: 34
10 Comments 5 Care Reactions
Member
edited October 25 in Caring for a Parent

I am going to be 36 tomorrow, and my mom has been in memory care for about 6 days. I am a little devastated because I miss her. It is also devastating because she didn't sleep at all the first 4 or 5 days in memory care and when I went to visit her she looked HORRIBLE. Her face looked drastically different and it looked like she had had a stroke or something. Ofcourse the people working at the facility dont notice that because they dont know what she looked like before. I am sad that my mom has dementia and has been acting weird the past year and constantly getting worse. I took really good care of her and maybe TOO good care because without my help she looks horrible. I have had no job sincce 2020 because I started caregiving my dad, and then he died and my moms dementia got really really bad so I started caregiving her full time. Had no time or space for friends, work, anything. Now she is at the facility and I feel super lonely. Atleast when she was here I could hug her and feed her healthy food. The food at the memory care facility is pretty bad, and all microwaved. Microwaves kill nutrition. This is just an emotional venting post. I havent been able to sleep the past two nights so I got prescribed Hydroxyzine. I am scared to take it but I have it by my bed incase I really cant sleep tonight too. I am crying because I miss my mom and i has been traumatizing seeing her change and become a person who has dementia over the years. She is in so much pain. I just love her so much and miss her. I dont necessarily WANT her to be at memory care but we just HAD to. I need to start my own life. I used to think I would be married with kids and a career by now but I am at ground zero with not even one friend. I believe this will change soon. right now it feels scary and I am especially scared that I havent been able to sleep. My mom developed dementia after being unable to sleep for years. I feel like I am having a bad trip

Comments

  • AmandaF
    AmandaF Member Posts: 19
    10 Comments 5 Likes
    Member

    Be gentle with yourself. You have been through a lot. Your mom will adapt to MC but it might take a few weeks or even months. My mom looked terrible at first too but now she looks ok. There were many nights after she moved that I couldn’t sleep either. Our bodies hold onto the stress and it takes a while to dissipate.


    Call the helpline Victoriaredux mentioned and find a support group if you can. Managing a loved one’s dementia is isolating but there are actually a lot of people doing it, you just have to find a couple of them. It really helps to talk to someone who understands. You won’t always feel this way - it’ll get better. Sending warm birthday wishes for a good night's sleep. :)

  • kblau
    kblau Member Posts: 58
    10 Comments 5 Insightfuls Reactions 5 Likes 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    I’m a little older than you, 41. Lost my dad to 9/11 related cancer 10 years ago. I feel you. I just put mom in MC in August after not being able to hack it in AL after 3 months.

    What do you think about the staff? Do you get a good feeling from them? Bc the staff is really what matters.

    The first time I saw my mom 7 days after putting her in MC I wanted to take her home that day. I was shocked. She looked unkept, she was sad, and having panic attacks, etc. I thought I was going to literally break down. I didn’t think I’d survive this long. What I’ve learned is - speak up. Voice your concerns. Ask for guidance. Be the squeaky wheel who gets the oil!

    also don’t judge off one week. It’s a process. She is transitioning. And so are you. Letting ‘go’ of my mom was the hardest thing but she’s safe.

    the past couple of weeks I saw tremendous progress in my mom. She’s happier. Her cognition has even improved significantly. It’s wild what being in the right setting can do.

    As for sleep, find a YouTube video of ‘yoga nidra’ aka yogic sleep. Put some ear phones in and listen. It’s a guided meditation that relaxes the body. I found yoga nidra when my dad was passing from cancer and I was 31 and anxiety thru the roof. It was the only thing that helped me. And if that doesn’t work. Also YouTube search ‘binaural beats.’

  • yearofthedragon
    yearofthedragon Member Posts: 34
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    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226572#Comment_226572

    thank you so much for your comment. Really good to know about the hotline. I am definitely saving that number in my phone.

  • yearofthedragon
    yearofthedragon Member Posts: 34
    10 Comments 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    Thank you so much

  • yearofthedragon
    yearofthedragon Member Posts: 34
    10 Comments 5 Care Reactions
    Member

    Thank you so much

  • yearofthedragon
    yearofthedragon Member Posts: 34
    10 Comments 5 Care Reactions
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226604#Comment_226604

    did you take anything for your sleeplessness? I got prescribed hydroxyzine but it isnt working. I have slept in 4 days (only about 2 hours on two of those nights)

  • AmandaF
    AmandaF Member Posts: 19
    10 Comments 5 Likes
    Member
    https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/226677#Comment_226677

    No. I did a lot of 4-7-8 breathing at night (in count 4, hold count 7, out count 8).

Commonly Used Abbreviations


DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
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