STAGE 8 - There is no other side of grief...
My soulmate husband Lonny passed August 12. I feel lost most of the time but am trying to find myself without him. Found this on a Facebook post today. So true.
I had my own notion of grief. I thought it was the sad time, that followed the death of someone you love. And you had to push through it to get to the other side. But I’m learning, there is no other side...There is no pushing through, but rather, there is absorption. Adjustment. Acceptance. And grief is not something you complete, but rather, you endure. Grief is not a task to finish, and move on, but an element of yourself – an alteration of your being. A new way of seeing. A new dimension of self...~ Gwen Flowers ~
AND….
"The pain of grief is just as much part of life as the joy of love: it is perhaps the price we pay for love, the cost of commitment." Dr Colin Murray Parkes.
Praying for those in Stage 8. 🙏
Comments
-
Thanks for posting this Diane. My LO took his last breath on October 20; two weeks tomorrow. Like you, I am lost and miss him so much. 💔
8 -
Thank you for sharing.
4 -
Thank you for sharing; this whole journey is awful, strange, debilitating, almost destroying. I am in the middle of this journey with my DH and I think there is no end just a continuation of living in a different format, trying to see the beauty in nature, of children being born and all those things but the pain and sadness is something we must bear. I couldn’t do it with out being connected to this big understanding family where I can vent, cry and laugh occasionally. It is my ‘bible’ I open my mail every day and read of others and my love pours out to them and strangely to my DH.
8 -
This was a timely post for me. I just finished a book about grief after the death of a spouse that a well-meaning friend gave to me. Although my DH is not dead yet, the time is coming soon, and like many of us, I have been grieving the incremental loss of my DH for years.
The premise of the book was that grief is something that you push through to get to the other side. The author, a psychologist who was suddenly widowed herself and since remarried, gave time periods to perform certain tasks, right down to when to remove your wedding ring. She even said to have a ceremony to mark the end of grieving, as though grief ever truly completely ends.
She stated that you should be finished grieving within a year of the death. I was truly appalled. As the quote above says, "Grief is not a task to finish, and move on, but an element of yourself – an alteration of your being. A new way of seeing. A new dimension of self..."~ Gwen Flowers ~
8 -
That is lovely. My DH passed on October 20, and I have been stunned by the intensity of my feelings of sadness and loneliness. I had lost him bit by bit for two years. But the final loss is hard.
9 -
I don't get over grief for the people I truly loved. It gets easier with time, but it never goes away. My older son died in 1994 and I still grieve him, but I find I think more of the good times and less of the horror as time goes by.
The psychologist mentioned by FMB has a point in that it is good to get on with your life. However, we do it with scars, some that show and some that don't.
10 -
Thanks for this thread, Diane and all. I’m about 2 1/2 months into stage 8. The pain is so intense at times. I’m keeping myself going, even doing traveling to be with friends and family, but today I was overwhelmed with memories of the last weeks in hospice— beating myself up for all the things I could have done differently and every time I could have been more patient, though I was with DH of 51 years 24/7, I replayed it all today and suddenly was sunk into a pit of sadness that was so painful. I couldn’t have saved him, and I’m not sure I could have done anything better except to tell him more of how much his love meant to me. The stress of the daily challenges made me focus more on catheters and sleepless nights than just sitting quietly with him. The fact that I can’t ever again tell him now how much I love him is piercing my heart. Not sure what my point is here except that I hope you all treat yourselves well and with kindness— it’s a war we’ve been through and I know we all have done the best we could do.
5 -
Don't be too hard on yourself for things you did or did not do. You do the best you can minute by minute. We're all human and nobody is perfect. I'm sure he would say that to you if he could. We caregivers want them to stay but pray their suffering will end. My grief comes in waves then it passes for a bit. My Mom used to say that life is like the ocean and you have to ride the waves until smooth sailing comes along. That applies to grief too. She also said that when you lose someone you love, do something to honor their memory. My Mom was a widow at 42 years old. I asked her how she went on without my Dad. She said "you just keep putting one foot in front of the other" so that's what I'm trying to do. I made a list of things I could do to honor my Lonny. I'm working on the list which gives me a sense of purpose that I lost when he passed. At first I couldn't even look at our pictures. I'm gradually looking at them and remembering the wonderful love & life we shared. Hugs.
4 -
==She stated that you should be finished grieving within a year of the death==
What the…! I was numb for the entire first year after our 31 year old son died. It’s been the last several months that I’ve really started to process and let myself feel the grief. Another mother I know said the same as me. The second year is harder than the first.
That doesn’t mean that I haven’t had good times - of laughing with friends, enjoying a trip, losing myself in a tv series or book, etc. Grief isn’t ‘over’, it’s part of who you become.7 -
Thanks— that helps to hear. This site has been so important to me to survive this whole journey— I don’t know where I’d be without all of you here.
5 -
This site helped me through the years of caregiving my husband. He died 7 weeks ago and I've missed the conversations. I'm so glad I found this thread today. Connecting with a local support group is taking longer than I expected. I realize this is an older thread so if there's another conversation somewhere please let me know.
Any suggestions for books on grief? That was very helpful when my dad died but I can't remember any titles.
1 -
Hospice gave me a list of books after my wife died. I haven't read any of these.
"From One Widow to Another: Conversations on the New You" by Miriam Neff
"Widow to Widow: Thoughtful, Practical Ideas for Rebuilding Your Life" by Genevieve Davis Ginsburg
"A Grief Observed" by C. S. Lewis
"Widow" by Lynn Caine
"Mending" by Dorothy Hsu
"Don't Take My Grief Away" by Doug Manning
"Endings and Beginnings" by Sandra Hayward
"Up From Grief; Patterns of Recovery" by Bernadine Kreis
"My Walk Through Grief" by Janette Klopfenstein
"Triumph Over Tragedy" by Iona Henry McLaughlin
"In the Midst of Winter; Selections from the Literature of Mourning" by Mary Jane Moffat
"Recovery from Bereavement" by Colin Murray Parkes and Robert S. Weiss
"Grieving: How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies" by Therese Rando
"Living Through Mourning" by Harriet Sarnoff Schiff
"My Reflections on Grieving" by Marion E. Stephany
"Beginnings: A Book for Widows" by Betty Wylie
1 -
Jim Carrey once said: Grief is not just an emotion—it’s an unraveling, a space where something once lived but is now gone. It carves through you, leaving a hollow ache where love once resided.
In the beginning, it feels unbearable, like a wound that will never close. But over time, the raw edges begin to mend. The pain softens, but the imprint remains—a quiet reminder of what once was. The truth is, you never truly "move on." You move with it. The love you had does not disappear; it transforms. It lingers in the echoes of laughter, in the warmth of old memories, in the silent moments where you still reach for what is no longer there. And that’s okay.
Grief is not a burden to be hidden. It is not a weakness to be ashamed of. It is the deepest proof that love existed, that something beautiful once touched your life. So let yourself feel it. Let yourself mourn. Let yourself remember.
There is no timeline, no “right” way to grieve. Some days will be heavy, and some will feel lighter. Some moments will bring unexpected waves of sadness, while others will fill you with gratitude for the love you were lucky enough to experience.
Honor your grief, for it is sacred. It is a testament to the depth of your heart. And in time, through the pain, you will find healing—not because you have forgotten, but because you have learned how to carry both love and loss together
3 -
Thanks so much! This is very helpful.
0 -
so sorry for your loss. I am the original poster. I still come here to try to help others. It’s been a year since my husband passed. I’m still struggling. The grief comes in waves. I try to stay busy. I made a list of ways I can honor him. On the anniversary of his death I made a donation to the Alzheimer’s Association in his memory. I’m now able to remember the good times we had for 36 years before his diagnosis without sobbing. I know he would want me to live and not be sad. I want to live in a way that would make him proud of me. Give yourself time to grieve. Grief is the price we pay for love. Hugs. 💜
2 -
“The Dance” by Garth Brooks
Lookin' back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known that you'd ever say goodbye?And now, I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could've missed the pain
But I'd had to miss the danceAnd holding you, I held everything
For a moment, wasn't I the king?
If I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey, who's to say, you know I might have changed it allAnd now, I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end, the way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could've missed the pain
But I'd had to miss the danceIt’s my life, it's better left to chance
I could've missed the pain
But I'd had to miss the dance. 💜2 -
My first husband died of leukemia in 1999. There is no end. The first year was almost unbearable for me. I tried to eradicate it, hate it away, cry it away, pray and beg to anyone who would listen…but you must go through it all, live with it and finally accept and learn how to manage this explosive emotion and come to terms with it. It’s so so hard. This dementia journey I think might be harder. I find my feelings and emotions get all mixed up because of the past grief that’s still present and now this different grief all over again. I never want to stop grieving my first husband. It changed me for the better and taught me valuable life lessons. I speak to him occasionally and reminisce privately cause I could never forget him. Did I move on ? Yes…. But we all know how it’s going to end. No regrets No remorse , it is what it is…. I will move through this too and come out a better person. Every person I’ve lost is a part of me, a part of my heart that will live on forever. Each one had a profound effect on my life. To wish away my grief would be like wishing away my soul. Stand tall and firm with your grief, give it the respect and time it deserves. You will feel it eventually. It took me a very long time. You will feel a lightness, still a hollow hole in your heart but gradually your memories will fill that hole up. And finally, your grief, tho still there in the shadows, will be replaced with profound gratitude.
5 -
Beautiful!
0 -
Thank you all for sharing your heart here. I lost the love of my life 3 weeks ago and the grief is still so raw. We married at 19 and 21 and were together for 57 year ago. I don't know life without him, though the last few years of his dementia bore little resemblance to who he was. He was truly the love of my life and I find myself navigating between heart searing sorrow that i can no longer hold his hand or cup his face in my hands, to recognizing how blessed our 4 kids and i were to have had this humble and loving man as ours at all. At this time going through photos is too painful as it reminds me of what his dementia robbed us of; my hope is that one day, those photos will be comforting testament to the deep love we shared throughout our years together making precious memories with our kids and grandkids. Trying to learn how to do life without him.
4 -
Death. I've taken comfort that it means nothing more bad can happen to my loved one — all the "what ifs" are over. They made it through.
Worry is over.
And there is time ..painful without them.. to remember the good, forgive what is done , try to carry the positives forward.
Are you going to be in my dreams tonight…..love you love you
3 -
Thank you for sharing this. Your posts are always so caring, insightful and helpful. I think it helps for those of us who have already finished the walk with our loved one to post here and in the section for those suffering the loss. This section has a much higher participation and sharing what comes later and what we learned along the way to those walking the path now is incredibly helpful. Thanks for sharing.
3
Commonly Used Abbreviations
DH = Dear Husband
DW= Dear Wife, Darling Wife
LO = Loved One
ES = Early Stage
EO = Early Onset
FTD = Frontotemporal Dementia
VD = Vascular Dementia
MC = Memory Care
AL = Assisted Living
POA = Power of Attorney
Read more
Categories
- All Categories
- 582 Living With Alzheimer's or Dementia
- 310 I Am Living With Alzheimer's or Other Dementia
- 272 I Am Living With Younger Onset Alzheimer's
- 16.7K Supporting Someone Living with Dementia
- 5.6K I Am a Caregiver (General Topics)
- 8.1K Caring For a Spouse or Partner
- 2.7K Caring for a Parent
- 223 Caring Long Distance
- 145 Supporting Those Who Have Lost Someone
- 17 Discusiones en Español
- 5 Vivir con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 4 Vivo con Alzheimer u Otra Demencia
- 1 Vivo con Alzheimer de Inicio Más Joven
- 12 Prestación de Cuidado
- 3 Soy Cuidador (Temas Generales)
- 8 Cuidar de un Padre
- 23 ALZConnected Resources
- View Discussions For People Living with Dementia
- View Discussions for Caregivers
- Discusiones en Español
- Browse All Discussions
- Dementia Resources
- 8 Account Assistance
- 15 Help