This is really hard!

WendysKid · November 3

Today is not a good day. I feel like I'm doing all that I have been instructed to do for my mom but it's really hard to not take it personally. I seem to be the target of everything that is wrong with her including the effects of my deceased father's indiscretions. She's 74, highly educated, financially independent but extremely stubborn and she won't take her meds. Everyday for the past two weeks I have been verbally attacked and this morning I regretfully screamed at her because she wouldn't stop talking nor leave my room. We had a doctor's appointment last week that got canceled. She threatens to let the house go in foreclosure with would leave me and my kids homeless....she's on the mortgage but I'm on the deed. I don't have power of attorney, I don't have guardianship, I can't afford an attorney. No one talks about how hard this is for everyone involved. My misconception was that her memory would get worse and was preparing for her to forget me....but this is a whole thing I'm struggling 💔 😪

H1235 · November 3

Welcome! I think most people look at dementia at a memory thing. Unfortunately that’s just not the case. I have said before here, I would rather she not know who I am than to know me and hate me for “what I’m doing to her”. Unfortunately the person keeping them safe tend to be the one that takes the blame for taking everything away. There is another thread titled “How to Get Legal Affairs in Order When You're Broke”. You should be able to find it with a search. Maybe that will help. You really are going to need a DPOA or guardianship at some point. You will find great advice here and people who understand what you are going through. Good luck.

mabelgirl · November 4

I’m so sorry you are dealing with that. I too had my mom’s frustration taken out on me her caretaker and sole person in house. She even went so far as to tell I should have died instead stillborn. It’s so very hard to shield ourselves totally from those hurtful words. I had hoped she’d be just a rambling old lady. I can’t say I found a fool proof way to deal with it, but frequent breaks and telling her she was out of line helped me most. Constant reminding myself it was the disease and learning how the brain changes also helped. Thankfully we were able to move her to AL and she seems a bit more content and I’m no longer on edge. I pray you get some legal help because you are definitely going to need it. Prayers for relief.

SusanB-dil · November 4

Hi WendysKid - yeah, 'this' bites! MIL is downright nasty now, and she no longer knows who I am. 'this' affects the person, but 'outsiders' have no idea just how much the caregiver goes through. It is hard not to take it personal!

agree - check out that thread about needing help when broke. There are also resources right here - check out the help resources on the links to the right of the page. There is a 24/7 helpline as well. 1-800-272-3900.

So sorry you are dealing with all of that. ((hugs))

Paulokc · November 5

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227521#Comment_227521

What Legal help will she need?

SusanB-dil · November 6

@Paulokc - she will need DPOA or guardianship, also for the house

Merla · November 8

oh yes, there is a huge common misconception that dementia is primarily memory loss when in reality it's loss of cognition which impacts nearly everything. Forgetting words or names or people or events is the least of what bothers me about dementia.

I sometimes get soooo stressed out that I'm literally dizzy because dementia can lead to horrible life consequences for the afflicted person and everyone involved.

I wish I had advice but I'm also in the thick of it.

Anonymousjpl123 · November 8

It is beyond stressful. Especially the legal and financial aspects. If you are just too exhausted to get started I would call the Alzheimer’s hotline. They can help you make a follow up list and just put everything out there that needs to be done. It is really hard, but there IS support out there. The hotline was a lifesaver the 3 times I called.

MaryEllenDaughter · November 9

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/71099/this-is-really-hard

I am so sorry. My situation with my Father is so different. I cannot imagine your stress level. I can tell you that the Alzheimer's association hot line has been so helpful to me and my brothers. Particularly since I unexpectedly became a caregiver. Some days it can be isolating so please take advantage of what the Alzheimer’s association can provide. They have access to a lot of resources, including legal resources.

Nowhere · November 9

So sorry you’re going through this. It is difficult enough for a spouse to deal with, but I think must feel impossible for a child. Does your mom have an advance directive, and medical and financial durable POA that names your deceased father or someone else? Or, she simply doesn’t have these documents?

If none and your mother has cash assets, make an appointment with an elder law attorney with or without her. Often the first visit is a free consultation and he or she will compassionately advise what is needed and how to proceed. If your mother has little to no assets, call your state’s Area for Aging and explain the situation. Make an appointment for them to see if she qualifies for state aid. If she does, they may apply for her on her behalf.

I would contact her medical doctor as well and let him know all of your concerns and that she isn’t taking her meds.

Wishing you both peace on mind!

This is really hard!

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