Holiday celebrations

JudyVE · November 5

Hello Friends,

My DH is moderate - late stage ALZ. He is not oriented to date/place/time, he is basically non-verbal. He is very unsteady on his feet. He requires help in the bathroom. He recognizes family when he sees faces, but I’m not sure if he knows our names. I am struggling with depression and dread the upcoming holidays. Our tradition for many years was to have “second thanksgiving” with my DH’s kids, which allowed them to spend the holiday with their mother, and later with their respective in-laws. Usually we would gather over thanksgiving weekend. We would do a similar gathering for Christmas. Now the grandkids are all adults they have jobs and other obligations, so the “second” holiday celebration is hard to plan.

My stepson and his wife have invited us to Thanksgiving dinner at thier house which is buffet-style (I mention this b/c my DH needs help getting his meal, cutting his food, etc). There will be a large group of extended family including my DH’s ex wife. We have gone to gatherings at my stepson’s house in the past, including last Thanksgiving.

I am just not up for it this year. The group is too large, and while my DH enjoys seeing people, but it doesn’t seem to me that people try to engage him, visit with him. He ends up in a corner, with me, helping him with his food. It has only gotten worse since last year. I feel that people are sympathetic, but don’t really go out of their way to visit.

I want to tell my stepkids that we will stay home this year, and encourage them to visit in small groups. I’m not up to hosting a large group and my home is too small in any case. Does anyone have advice? thanks.

Buggytoo · November 5

It sounds like you have every reason to make the change you are imagining. I hope your family is gracious enough to embrace your proposal! This may just be one of those holidays where gratitude is best experienced by doing what you think is best.

BPS · November 5

I have done the same thing. We used to have the kids and grandkids over for the holidays but a couple of years ago I told them that the large groups were to much for their mother. They have all started making other arrangement and they usualy stop by some time during the day for a shot visit. It has worked out well for us. She is now in memory care so this year I will go get her and bring her to the house for dinner and it will just be her, our special needs daughter, and me. It won't be to much for her or me to deal with.

jfkoc · November 5

Thanksgiving? I could care less. Christmas? Church then some family time. New Years? Netflix.

Jeanne C. · November 5

I think you absolutely have the right idea. I’m sorry it’s making you sad. It’s hard. Last year my husband did enjoy the large thanksgiving gathering but by Christmas he couldn’t handle it. We stayed around 20 minutes and had to leave. Thankfully we weren’t hosting. Do what’s right for the two of you. I hope your family will support you.

midge333 · November 5

I think your plan is perfect!

Cindy9519 · November 5

I agree with others that the size of the gathering is likely too challenging for both of you. A quiet time at home would be easier for you and your DH.

Emily 123 · November 5

Sounds great! I think it's nice to keep up the holidays while the meaning of the day is retained by the person, but once they start to drift and they can't really be 'present' it's easier to scale things back & do what meets your needs best.

My mom sat on the sofa playing solitaire on her iPad for hours, within line of sight of the kitchen & table as I cooked last T'giving, and when I had everything ready to go and asked her to come sit she looked at the table and said ''Fancy! What's the occasion?''

So yes, do the holiday that works for you & you want to have.

jsps139_ · November 5

Treat yourself to a peaceful holiday season at home. I also turned down an invitation to a huge Thanksgiving gathering this year. My DH cannot follow a conversation, so after a few hellos, he sits by himself with no interaction with anyone. It is so sad to watch. I refuse to put him through that anymore. I try to imagine what he is thinking or feeling in those situations … it has to be awful … hearing a bunch of voices and making no sense of any of it.
We’ll get a takeout turkey dinner and put on some lovely Christmas music (turned down low) and enjoy a dinner at home. I’m looking forward to it.

Jgirl57 · November 6

I think it would be wise to let your stepson know that his father is just not able to manage these types of gatherings . I am doing the same thing with Christmas . It is just too much to get us both ready and increase in agitation due to chaotic holiday merriment. We will have a small visit with the adult kids and teenage grandkids on a separate day for a short visit . The disease progresses and things have no choice but to change.

Carl46 · November 6

The dark days of late November and December are depressing enough without subjecting yourself to a crowd situation with your LO in his condition. I certainly would support your decision to have very small celebrations at your home.

Biggles · November 6

My DH is sadly exactly the same no longer understands date/place/time/money almost non verbal, very unsteady on his feet yet says don’t leave me at day care facilities with cackling women and colouring books. Christmas and social events are a nightmare he cannot eat on his own so we only go to very understanding places and special dinners. I have found family and remaining friends have very little understanding or empathy even though they might mean well, they talk too fast, move too quickly, and haven’t really got time to care. You and only you are his protector. You are only human and need peace as well. We came home from an exhausting shopping morning today and I found myself crying in the garage but on we go. We used to do Christmas, children and grand children staying, playing, food, wine, swimming pool games but no more, I became so exhausted and now just want to care for my DH for as long as I can and those around just have to understand. Be strong, think with love of your needs and protect your DH. We are all on the same page tell your story here it really does help.

brs · November 7

This is a timely topic for my DH & I. Last night we planned to meet friends at a local charity dinner, he was okay upon arrival but as we began to enter the event he said he couldn't do it and asked me to take him home. I drove him home and safely escorted him into the house and returned to the event. The friends were baffled by his quick decline. I explained this is "our life now" and reminded them this was the reason for us to travel by separate vehicles. This situation also provided insight, one of the friends' mother passed away a few years ago from ALZ but unless you LIVE as a caregiver 24/7 there isn't a comprehensive way to understand. We spouses/partners are our LOs advocate, I'll be modifying our holiday gatherings from last night's event.

jsps139_ · November 7

brs … I am so sorry your night out didn’t go as planned. That is a heartbreak. Alz and crowds just don’t go together. Imagine the anxiety he felt to cause him to leave. Very hard for both of you.

JDancer · November 8

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227823#Comment_227823

You mention travelling by separate vehicles. Is you LO still driving?

JudyVE · November 19

Update on my situation: I have discussed with both my step kids and they are totally understanding. This past weekend, stepson & one of the grandkids came to visit and watch Sunday football. Step daughter & her spouse will see us over Turkey day weekend. The grandkids are young adults and are able to visit without parents. I’m planning to make a small dinner for myself, my DH & my adult daughter. My son & grandson will stop in too at some point. Spreading the visits out just makes more sense. Next stop: Christmas! Stay sane everyone!

Jgirl57 · November 20

congrats JudyVE! Good to hear they were all able to accommodate your requests .I hope you feel the relief!! Happy Holidays !!!

bwanasil · November 20

https://alzconnected.org/discussion/comment/227690#Comment_227690

My DH cannot follow a conversation, so after a few hellos, he sits by himself with no interaction with anyone. It is so sad to watch. I refuse to put him through that anymore.

Can’t agree with you more . I cannot handle my DW laughing just because everyone else is . So bloody sad.

bwanasil · November 20

Holiday celebrations

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